I don't even really know what to write here anymore. I have spent so many years being able to communicate what I feel and am going through and think and see through my writing and now I have lost it all. I am noone. I am nothing. I am dead inside. Just going through the motions of living each and every day in and out and not even doing that very well anymore.
I'm 4 months pregnant with no way out of it anymore. I've lost the love of my life a little over a year ago, and, she left me with no goodbye and no look back. I've lost my way, lost my faith, lost my ability to love in a correct manner. Lost everything..And for what? I'm stuck in a place that I hate with no way out of it..I'm stuck in this place. Lost..Forever.
This fear is taking over me..Taking control of me. I've let all that I have always hated win. Let it take over my mind body soul, and, life. Completley. Absoloutley.
Is this the end of me? I've waited so long for freedom..Waited so long for freedom from this pain only to realize that it never actually goes anywhere..Just numbs you or..Makes you feel like shit all of the time, depression at its best ladies and gentleman. Me.
There's all these beautiful people out there who are actually really big bitches to me after awhile..I want to pull them down from their ivory tower of delusions and magical perfection mirrored by grotesque inner beauty..Secrets in the dark..That's all that they are and ever will be. Lies. LIES.
I feel like I'm at the sunset of my life..And, I'm only 23 years old. I feel like the sun is going down on me and will never rise again. You can sit there and say that it will..But you dont know..You dont know me..You know nothing of what I have been through so I don't want to hear that bullshit. You dont know what darkness holds me now.
I'm stuck on and in the past..The present is gone from me forever. My future is nothing. Even the present is dead to me. There is nothing left inside of me. There is nothing left at all. And don't try to tell me that I'm wrong. YOU DONT KNOW ANYTHING.
I even suck at fading away. I can't die, I can't live THERE IS NO OTHER CHOICES.
I don't even know why I'm talking right now. I'm just a waste of space and time. Born wrong. Left alone by anyone who ever said that they loved me. I've lost. Failed. BORN WRONG. Treating the ones who love me like shit for no reason at all. What in the fuck is wrong with me??
My eyes are closing slowly to this world day by day the blood of my heart drains and drains..You'd think that after so many years of heartache it would stop bleeding but now it's just a steady dripping no longer gushing because I can't feel anymore. I don't feel anything. Except immense longing for my past. And for what is gone from me forever.
I can't go on without her..And yet that is exactly what I'm doing. My heart broken for the last time..My life sucked dry each and every day by the fading vapors of my life..Broken beyond repair for the last time.
One year ago my life ended. I can't do this anymore, I have nothing..Noone. GET AWAY FROM ME BEFORE I HURT YOU TOO. This is too much. I can't bear anymore.
I love you so much. I pushed the pain of her loss from me for too long and now the dam is breaking heavily upon what remains of my heart. There's nothing there..Only me alone in the dark. Forever.
I wonder if she ever thinks about me..
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