Dear Babygirl,
I wonder if there will ever be a day when I'll stop making these blogs. I wonder if there will ever be a time when I don't feel that my worst nightmares and fears have come upon me and that I'm oh so very very lost without you. I hope that I can get over this before it kills me in all of its bleakness and shadows in the dark. I hope that I can let you go before I die of a broken heart.
I hope that you're happy and I mean that with all of my heart. Because if I sift through all of my selfishness and lost innocence, and..Stupidity and ignorance..Your happiness was all that ever really mattered to me in the first place. Its why I breathed. Its why I came to you. Its why I lost you. I gave you the one thing that you wanted that was horrible for you and in that one fateful night I lost the only woman that I'll ever be able to say really truly loved me. For me. No other reason.
I pray that you find what you're looking for. I pray that you don't die. I pray that you can forgive me someday for the mess that I've caused. I pray that you'll see that it wasn't only me who did this.
Every night my arms still hold you. Every day my heart still breaks when I wake and am happy for a few seconds, my soul not remembering that you're gone..Every day I wish for your voice once again and I pick up the phone to call you or I half expect you to call and I wait and wait and it never comes. And then it hits me. I'm alone. And that is all my fault.
Oh god I miss you. I love you so much. I pray for my heart to be unbroken before it finally stops beating for the last time. As much as I've longed for that for oh so very long I realize right now in this very moment that I don't want it to end like this. Not my life. Not yours. Not us. And yet what can I do? Absolutely nothing at all.
There's so much more that I want to say, but, I'm not even really supposed to be talking to you so I have to do this here. I have to hide to live. I have to hide to survive. To breathe. To keep breathing. To keep living. To keep getting through each and every single night.
If you remember anything about me, just remember that I loved you. Come what may. Always and forever. And not even your anger and hate can make that stop. And if you ever find yourself alone and without a friend or anyone to turn to. Come hell or high water I will still fucking be there for you.
I love you baby,
-Me |
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