There are no English words deep or dark enough to describe the utter sliding downwards of hope, like a stripper down a pole who just broke her stilleto heel, like milk spilt in slow motion on the floor by a terrified kid who was shaking in the first place from something you dont want to know, like honey down a stick not realizing the bees are now angry and coming for you, its all the same. Its slow motion bullshit and there is a longing for the PLAY button to be pushed since its been on SLOW FAST FORWARD, all of it. Yet there is a fear because when it breaks, it breaks for good. Theres no putting the milk back, the honey back, the heel fixed.
I have crawled through broken glass every single day and night and every nightmare in between waiting, hoping that my son was okay, that he didnt forget me, that he still loved me, that he was going to be there when the horrible bad people lifted the OBNOXIOUSLY ILLEGALLY OBTAINED PFA. I waited like a princess going to be coronated QUEEN, scared to death, in the most beautiful garments in the world, yet it didnt matter, cuz in the thousands of faces in the crowd, there was only one who she looked for and saw everywhere she turned.
Oh this crystalline world like in the movie 'Frozen'' in my minds eye, That was me. I sacrificed EVERYTHING to get back with him, only to find out he hates me, Which caused me to do the very thing that started all this in the first place. And I drank. I cant do this. ALL I WANTED WAS TO COME HOME but to have such in your face terrible hostility verbally towareds me day after day after day, with no way out, up and down and everywhere its just so hard to keep the light on, to keep hope alive its a twinkling light that is slowly getting dimmer with each pulse of light, praying both that someome will save me, and that they will let me go because they would be better off if this illness consumes me.
All Id have to do is stop taking this medicine and it would be a one way trip. BUT NO I HAVE FOUGHT MY WHOLE LIFE TO STAY ALIVE. WHY SHOULD I GIVE UP NOW? THE PERPS WANT ME BLINDED AND DEAD AND I WONT BE THAT PERSON.
But her voice keeps whispering softly to me, and its just harder to resist because the one thing I have thats good in my life keeps treating me like shit and hating me. I can almost see her face beyond the veil. And somehow their hurtful words here fade. I wont give up. But God something has to change NOW. EVERYTHING I WENT TH RU WILL NOT BE FOR NOTHING.
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