oh bloopdiary. still here for me to rant to no one and not care how rediculous i sound. thanks for being here after all these years... (about 8 years for me)
today, i had a low day, and i was thinking about how i haven't had a panic attack in a while (i think the last time i had then was when the whole bob/steve shit went down [fuck it feels weird to even type those names]). anyway, low and behold, i had one tonight.
it's silly the little things that bring them on. first my gps wasn't working. then i got lost in the ghetto of buffalo. then i was running out of gas and couldn't find a gas station. finally, i went into a store to ask for directions. that's when it started happening. that's when i started to break. i couldn't get out of that store fast enough, as i started to feel the burning in my eyes that meant tears were coming, and the burning in my chest which usually blows up into a full scale panic attack. which it did. i got in my car and completely lost it.
then i get lost again of course, because driving while panicing is a terrible idea. this then made things worse for me. then i finally found a familiar street and made it to my aunt's house.
my mom comes out and sees that i'm crying and asks what's wrong, which of course makes it worse. i can barely get out two words when i'm crying/panicing.
so then i just looked like a child crying as i go into my aun'ts house and see my family. could barely even say hi before i had to rush to the bathroom as the tears came on stronger, which led to it becoming harder to breath, thus panicing worse than ever. i went back to that bathroom maybe 5 times.
finally, i couldn't handle being surrounded by people anymore, so i go lay down on my aunt's bed with a cool damp towel on the face to drive and make the redness/heat go down. i see my cousin's drivers ed book and start to read it just to occupy my mind. helped a bit but i was still feeling iffy. i managed to pull it together and hang out with my family for a bit. but the anxious feeling in the back of my mind and my heart and soul was still there.
i'm still feeling it now, so i'm trying to get it all out before i have my second panic attack of the day. writing actually seems to be calming me a bit.
but now i need distractionsdistractionsdistractions.
sorry for bumming anyone out if they happen to read this. if you know the feeling, how do you deal with anxiety/panic attacks? |
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