Obsessive Compulsive

09/30/2011

Why do we always punish ourselves? We always do things we shouldn't be doing... smoking just another cigarette when we're trying to quit, eating that second slice of pizza when we're trying to lose weight. We justify it too, saying that its okay- if i do this it I'll make it right by doing whatever. Or I did this because I [enter some clever excuse here].

A few days ago after Boyfriend and I had sex, and then he did the whole, "its complicated" bullshit, I looked through his cell phone again when he was in the shower. I do this from time to time, and I don't really know why. Maybe I'm some crazy stalkerish chick and I don't want to come to terms with it. I guess... I feel like I don't know him anymore and even though we're broken up now, I still wish I knew him. I still want to know him. I want to know what he's thinking, what him and his friends are up to... Who he's talking to and what's going on in his life. And in my opinion, that isn't me being stalkerish or controlling... its just one of those things. You know, you call up a friend and you say "Hey So and So, what did you do today?" And your friend will probably tell you that they talked to sally sue for a little bit, that john doe called to say hello, that they did their homework and they went to the mall. That isn't being controlling, that's just conversation. That's just being enlightened with what your friend is up to, not that you really care or take it personally. That is how I feel, but when I try to have a conversation with Boyfriend, he always says nothing. Literally. Nothing. That's his favorite word. I know better though- he has his cell phone glued to his face or his right hand the majority of the day. I don't want to stalk him or control him. I just want to know him again. And then again, I really don't, because I call him Boyfriend but he's not my Boyfriend. He's just my roommate now more or less. I'd rather erase the past two years if I could. I don't regret them, but some things are easier to just forget.

Anyway, a few days ago after the sex incident he was talking to a girl from Michigan. He says she is from Michigan, and he's mentioned her before though I don't really know her or remember where he said they knew each other from. They're probably exes... he has a ton of them. He was telling her that he's going to need a roommate soon, and that she should move in here with him. In my apartment. I'm planning on moving, but still this is MY apartment. I work so hard to keep it clean, organized and homey. This is my home, but I'm being booted out of it because he refuses to leave. He should stay here really, he's made friends here and I haven't. But anyway again, he told her that there is no way he could not like her- whatever that is supposed to mean- and that he knew she would help him. That bothered me, because for the first year here I saved and scraped and pinched every penny I could muster in order to afford this place, buy groceries, do the laundry, put gas in his car- everything. So if he was implying that I do not help, he's really got something twisted although he tends to do that. He victimizes himself, and his mother is the same way. I planned on checking his cell phone this morning but he decided not to take a shower instead. I guess I just want to know what he's planning. He tells me all the time that he loves me, and he wishes things would work out, but its complicated. I asked him if its complicated because he's planning on moving some chick in when I move out, and he got this gasp! look on his face and asked me why I would think that? I said I don't know, I'm just bipolar, and we left it at that.

He always accuses me of being bipolar. I'm not bipolar, but I do feel very used, and that kind of makes me crazy. I feel like I've given everything I had... my body, all of my money, precious moments with my son that I can't get back, all for what? For nothing. All to start over again only by myself this time- and with a toddler, which is twice as hard. I realize that there are a lot of single parents out there in worse situations than I am in, and they make it and become successful. I do realize that. But I am scared. I am very scared. I can't imagine being responsible for ruining my son.

On a positive note- my mom decided not to get the the monte carlo! I'm pretty psyched about that. I don't know if I mentioned it, but my mother was going to buy me a monte carlo race car, and I was going to give her the 6 grand for it when she got here. Her and my grandmother are coming on the 13th to visit for a while. They are looking at another car though, a better and newer car, that isn't a race car but a regular used vehicle. I'm scared to drive a race car anyway! But yeah, I'm not sure whether I should try to go ahead and enroll my son in daycare and start applying for jobs, or if I should just wait until I have the car. I know both require time to acquire, but with my luck I'll apply somewhere or go to enroll him and I'll get a call back immediately, and then I'll have no means to take up either opportunity because I don't have a way to get to work or get him to daycare.

My mom said that I need to try to contact social services and get some assistance. Yeah right. I have tried, but nobody up here will help me. My case worker, the person who is evaluating my application, won't clear her voicemail box so I can't even leave her a message. Because my parents live in the suburbs they think that everything is so easy and routine. Anyone can do anything. That isn't the way things work in the city evidently. Nobody even really cares. Maybe I ought to just move back home although I really don't want to do that. I can't afford it there. Not a chance.