Negative --> Positive

11/29/2012

I'll start out with negativity and end with something more positive. (Hopefully.)

Mark and I haven't talked in 4 weeks. It still hurts but I'm trying to move on. I don't think about him as much, but he's still on my mind a lot. Something will happen that'll remind me of him and I'll want to tell him, and then I remember that we aren't talking. I sent him a simple "Happy Thanksgiving!" on Thanksgiving, seeing if he'd even respond to that and he didn't. Either he's blocked me or he's just really good at ignoring me. It still hurts to think that he doesn't even think of me as a friend, and that something so petty came between us to make him stop talking to me. I know there's more to the story, but I'll never know.

I pray every night and I know it's a big no-no, but I questioned God about this. I said that this happened before and he let Mark back into my life for whatever reason, and then he took him about of my life again. I don't know what God's reasoning for this is and I'm having a hard time accepting it. I tossed and turned many nights figuring out what went wrong, and then waking up and realizing I had a dream about Mark, just to make me miss him more.

Lately I've been feeling off balance again. Usually it doesn't get like this until I'm about to start my period. I just hate it because I don't feel normal and I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been off my BC for over a year now and I'm sick of still feeling this way. I still pray for God to help get me better. I'm ready to move on with my life and go somewhere, but how can I do that and feel comfortable moving far away without health insurance in the beginning in case something happens? I'm so torn and I hate it.

A few weeks ago Lindsey mentioned that she's had a few interviews in San Jose. Well over a year ago we discussed that if she ever moved out there I was going with her. But now she has a boyfriend and said he'd most likely be going with her. Then it occurred to me that I'm kind of waiting for someone to take me with them, and I just need to do it myself. I've always wanted to live in Las Vegas, but since it's so far away it's hard to check out apartments and jobs. I have enough in savings to just pack up and move and figure it all out when I get there. The job aspect anyways. So that means I'd have to fly out there and check out apartments. But do I go by myself or ask Mom or Dad to go? How do I break the news to them?

I know I should wait until after Christmas, which will be here before we know it. I guess I feel like I need to do this ASAP because I have two weeks of vacation to use by the end of January. I feel like I don't want to waste them by doing nothing, because if I find something then in February when my vacations start back up, I can use them to move. The only negative to that situation is that it's the middle of winter, and I'd be traveling all the way across the US.

I'd also like to go see Jen and the kids, but a plane ticket is around $500. I just feel like that's really damn expensive compared to all the other times I've flown. Yes I have the money, but I just don't know what to do. I feel that if I go visit them then I won't do anything about Vegas, and I think that's a little more important right now.

In the past I've talked about going to North Carolina, but that's not where I REALLY want to go. The first time I went to Vegas I felt like it was a place I'd live, and I never felt that about NC. I think the only reason I did consider NC was because Jen was there and also Christine and Sandy. But now Jen is in TX, and I don't want to live with Christine and Sandy, I want my own place.

Other than all this.....

Christmas isn't too far away! I've been shopping, mostly online, and spoiling the kids. I've already ordered things from Old Navy, Kohl's, Amazon, Walmart, Mattell, Gymboree and that might be it. Thanks to swagbucks I've spent about $150 instead of $300. Some of the things were for me, so I haven't really spent that much on them.

Mom, Melissa and I are going shopping next weekend. I don't have much left to get, but I know I'll find a bunch of stuff that I don't need! I'm going to get another (free!) Old Navy giftcard from swagbucks and get more clothes for Lucas with that. Plus I'm going to use two (free!) Gamestop giftcards to get him a game. I'm hoping to have (free!) Target giftcards to use, as long as they arrive in time. People think it's crazy, but I'll take anything that's free! (Look below.)

Other than that not much has been going on. December will be here in a few days and probably by the next time I write either Christmas will be almost here, or it'll be over!