Do you ever wish and hope for something to happen, and when it finally does and turns out to be something you weren't expecting, if leaves you heartbroken?
This happened to me at 4am.
Last night I meant to open Firefox, and clicked AIM instead. I left it open thinking nothing of it. At some point in the night I heard Mark get online and not even a minute later I got a txt. The weirdest thing about that? Ever since I got a new phone I never hear txts in the middle of the night anymore, yet I heard that one. (When I got on the computer this morning I did have a message on AIM from him, right before he txt me.)
At first, while I was half asleep, I thought the txt was an AIM message. It was actually a txt from Mark. He asked me how I was and I told him to call me. He actually refused. He wanted to know if I was mad or horny. He said he needed his slave.
REALLY!?!?!!?!?
He did finally call me, and the conversation lasted not even 1 minute. I could barely hear him, but it didn't even sound like him. I felt like I was talking to a stranger. I asked him why he hasn't talked to me in 7 months and he said he didn't know. I asked him if he thought I deserved an explanation and he said no. He actually had the nerve to hang up on me.
He got 32 txts from me after that and I never got one response. I bawled my eyes out. I have no idea if he saw any of them. He could've blocked me or turned his phone off. I don't know. I hope he did read them all and knows how much he's hurt me. For once I know what the phrase "silence is deafening" means. There is nothing worse.
I asked God why he did this. Why he FINALLY had Mark come back into my life, only to treat me like this. I asked if this was my sign to let him go, that this is the person he really is. But I want answers. I feel like I need closure and I'm never going to get it. It was bad enough that I still thought about him every single day, and then this happened and it's made it worse.
The last time this happened (which I should've made be the only time), things ended up being ok with us for 1.5 years, or so I thought. It just haunts me that he finally talked to me and there had to be a reason. He still had my number and there had to be a reason. He really did call me and there had to be a reason. (Yes, I still had his number too, but I'm not the one who cut him out of my life completely for absolutely no reason.)
This is killing me and I don't know what to do. Wait... I KNOW what I should do, I just don't want to do it. There is something about him that is making me not let go. I tell friends that they should never take shit from a guy and or let a guy treat them like shit, and that Nick did it to me and I got rid of him. Yet I can't take my own advice when it comes to Mark.
And after last night, after the way he treated me, I still want him to talk to me. I still want to see that I have a txt from Mark. I still want my phone to ring and see that it's Mark. I still have hope and it's sickening.
I have no one to talk to about this. No one even has a clue. So all my feelings are being bottled up except for writing about them here. I have never felt so alone.
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