Darling Did You Wait For Me!?!

So after taking a long break from this site of making my entries private, I decided it was time to stop fighting in private and reveal my thoughts and emotions to the general public once again. So much has changed in my life in the last six months. I finally ended my relationship with Charles on February 21,2010. Not many people know that my relationship with him through the 6 1/2 years was very much abusive. I have several physical scars from the relationship but more emotional scars than I'd like to admit.

Through it all I have stayed very close to my first love Dave. He and I dated for 3 1/2 years and started when I was 19 years old. I can easily say out of every one of my life aside from my family I know that I will always have him in my life. We have been through thick and thin together. He has seen me through hard times and I have seen him through them as well. After dating for 3 1/2 years, I thought that he would ask me to marry him but he never did. I assumed he wasn't interested in me that way and figured we would be better off his friends. I never stopped loving him and it seemed that everyone else aside from him could see that. But I forced myself to move on and moved on I did. I dated another friend of mine named Adam who was sweet but far too immature for me. Adam and I ended things shortly after a year of dating.

Shortly after Adam and I broke up, Charles an old high school crush found me on my space. We started talking and soon enough we were dating. It turned out that Charles was and still is very toxic for me. He hurt me in more ways than anything but I always believed that if I loved him enough that he would change into an amazing person. I learned the hard way that no matter how much you want a person to change you can't change them, they have to change themselves and have to want to change. After 6 1/2 years and moving three times out of state and away from my family and friends and having the most beautiful little girl with him and placing her up for adoption to save her from the abuse and emotional roller coaster that Charles and I were on. For the longest time I thought what I had with Charles was love but it wasn't, it was unhealthy addiction to him. Yet I still believed that I can make it work but I never did. Last December it all blew up in my face and Charles hit me for the last time. Throughout the years I accepted whenever hurtful words, pathological lies, and physical abuse came my way. But on December 17 that all changed.

We had been Bainbridge Island, Washington for over five months and things were going really well or so I thought. On December 17th, there was a knock at our door and when I answered it there was a very pregnant woman standing on our front step. She asked for me and I told her that she'd found me. She asked if she could come in and I invited her in to sit down in the living room. Charles at that moment decided to walk in and his face turned white when he saw her. It still didn't add up to me. To make a long story short, Charles had cheated on me while we were engaged with her and now she was pregnant. I was cordial to her and she left on good terms with me. Charles tried to sweet talk me and when that didn't work it got out of hand. We had the worst fight we ever have had. It wasn't just him throwing hurtful words and physical hits. I was livid and while I didn't hit him I did yell at him and use words and things that I shouldn't have. I'm not proud of this but I did destroy his brand new cell phone and laptop that I had just bought him. I then told him that I was done and it was over, as I was walking out the door he said that if I walked out that this would be the last time I would see him alive.

For many people to understand what made me turn around you would need to understand that I have this huge guilt complex about losing someone to suicide. My father committed suicide when I was four years old, and several friends that I have loved have also committed suicide. And it leaves a scar that doesn't go away. And Charles took advantage of that and that's why he threatened suicide on me. I should've left but I didn't. Things got completely out of control and the cops were called. We were both arrested, fortunately all charges were dropped on me and the state of Washington helped me move back home to California where my family and friends are. The plan was that I was supposed to be in California and Charles was to stay in Washington. Over 1000 miles apart. The Charles couldn financially support himself in the apartment that we're renting together. When we were together, it was my salary that supported our lifestyle and when that salary disappeared he couldn't support itself. So he moved back to California a week after I did. I wish I could say that he has left me alone but he hasn't. So even though he is dealing with three years of probation and a misdemeanor charge of domestic abuse he does not leave me alone. He is either in front of my condo almost every night or calling me. Right now I am in the process of fighting for restraining order to be a reinstated but even if I get the restraining order I know that he will continue to break it. That's just how Charles is.

While for 6 1/2 years this has been my battle, Dave went through his own. And my heart breaks to even think of what he went through. He started dating a woman that he had met online. When I met her I had a bad feeling about her and the more I got to know her the more I didn't want her around Dave. I love the man with everything in me but he is oblivious and so trusting to everyone. This woman took advantage of him. She told Charles and me that she abused her two sons and that is why she could not see them. After hearing that Charles took it upon himself to run a background check on her and the things he read to me from the check were sickening. After hearing what I heard about her and tried to warn Dave but unfortunately he didn't listen. Maybe his head had been filled with bullshit from her, I do not know. For his sake, I was nice to her and didn't start any problems with her. In fact before I got pregnant with our daughter Faith, we planned to move in a two bedroom apartment with Dave and this woman. I don't know if I should say fortunately or not it didn't work out with Charles and me and as soon as I found out I was pregnant with Faith and made plans to get away from Charles. He got wind of this in deserted me in a hotel room with no way home. Fortune of my family came through and helped me move to Florida. Dave and I didn't talk for a few months.

When I talk to him again he had moved to Mississippi to live with his birth family that he did not really know because this woman had gotten him kicked out of the only home he has only known and was pregnant. Apparently she had gotten pregnant two months after I did. His daughter and my daughter are the same age. The only difference is he sees his daughter and I do not. But I Truly believe that I made the right choice. After his daughter was born things started falling apart for him and this woman. To make a long story short, she was cheating on him and abusing their daughter. He was arrested for the abuse when he took his daughter into the hospital for treatment. This woman struck some kind of bargain with the court and signed her rights away and moved out of state. Dave was arrested and was facing 12 years in jail. Somehow the judge didn't see the 12 years sentence to be fit and sentenced him to 10 months of house arrest, over year of classes for anger management and domestic abuse and have him sign his rights to his daughter away. His cousin and her husband adopted his daughter so he sees her on a regular basis. To say that he got screwed is putting it lightly. Obviously this has changed him any isn't the same person that I once knew.

It took many months and a lot of misunderstandings and a lot of stepping back but we're finally giving our relationship another shot. It's harder than it's ever been with him. Because of Charles I'm afraid of physical contact and its taken me some time to get over that. I'm not sure how his ordeal has totally changed him but the one thing I know is that it is hard for him to trust, even me a person that's been in His Life for so long. I'm not sure where it will all go but this just the beginning of this journey. I'm praying every night that my faith and his faith in God will somehow bring us through, but only time will tell. So I'm asking the man upstairs to truly be part of this relationship, this journey, this friendship, this life and the choices that we make. I want to finally get this down right so I am praying that God hears my prayers. I have faith that He does because He brought Dave back to me. I can't speak for anyone but myself but what I have now as a relationship is something that I have waited for since I ended things with Dave seven years ago. This story is living proof to me that God not only exists but listens to my prayers. I just hope that He continues to and that His will may be completed in this relationship and that God is honored with every choice we make.