who am I?

04/23/2011

so I've been reading this book on spirituality..some of it is pretty hard going but it's actually rather interesting! There's a bit in it about discovering your spirit and all that and the main part is actually finding out who you are..now when i was in college i had to do a little piece on 'who am i?' and i think i got a pretty decent grade on the work...but i think Ill just write down some ideas here...this may not make a lot of sense..

So..I am Carys. I'm a daughter, granddaughter, sister, cousin, neice, loyal friend and until recently, someone's girlfriend I was in a long term relationship when i did the college piece on myself and i think I have changed since we broke up two months ago. Well actually I know I've changed. He forced me to become someone I wasn't ...saying i couldn't go out just because he would moan if I went out, and I hated myself for it. Now I don't have to answer to anyone and I can do what the hell I like! So..what makes me happy? Honestly right now, I'm not sure..friends and family...but I think I'm suffering a touch of the green eyed monster because all my friends are happily paired off and I'm the only single one left..which makes me feel a bit dejected..what else..music..though I'm not as passionate as I used to be, and this makes me sad too. I really need to re-learn how to play the piano I'm not sure what else to be honest..as for things which make me sad...lonliness, war...so now Ive worked out what makes me tick, I think, now what? the book is asking me how do I handle stress? Honestly? I work better under stress..take today, it's Easter weekend, weather was beautiful and work was CRAZY busy this morning. I got in at 6 and just packed and packed as fast as I could and truth be told I worked solidly for the whole shift, didn't stop because I had to get it all done! I tend to get a bit lax when the pressure isn't on so much. Because I knew it was pretty much all down to me, I knuckled down and got on with it. As for criticism...I appreciate constructive criticism, I'm usually the first to criticise myself on anything anyway (undoubtedly a result of low self confidence)..but don't appreciate deconstructive comments, and usually take them to heart..not good..that's another thing..i usually put myself down first because then if someone else tries to, they'll feel bad theyre putting down someone who's already done it to themselves..if that makes any sense????

question in the book: 'If God promised you an unconditional 'yes' right now, what would you ask for? (feel free to take some time to contemplate this question, because you never know who might be listening!) hmmm. I'm not sure if this means what would i wish for in the grand scheme of my life, or just something I want at this moment in time? I guess in the grand scheme of life I would wish for just general happiness and health..but if it was something I just wanted right now...in all honesty..it would be a supportive boyfriend who didn't try to discourage me from doing stuff I wanted to do to improve myself..I know that sounds a bit mental, and I am my own person without a partner, but I think it could make me complete

(this has totally gone off track, be surprised if any bugger is still reading, lmao!)
I thought a few months ago that i had finally come to terms with and accepted the fact I'm bisexual, but yet again I'm just not sure any more; I know that I can't let other people's opinions cloud who I really am..that's another thing with the god thing..if it really says in the bible that homosexuality is wrong...but then god loves everyone no matter what their 'sins' ...what does that mean? that he thinks its a sin but he'll forgive you anyway? or that it's not a sin? very confused!

I think Ill go read some more of this book because my brain's gone numb trying to think