My Life..

02/13/2009

I'm hearing voices
Of people thought long gone
Once again I fear
I'm losing control
In the end
Everything's inside
Every disease I hide
Bleeding and in pain
Cold and tiredly giving in
Come and burn with me
Slit open my world of pain
Sometimes at winters hour I feel quite dead
Just like in the end

This life is slowly killing me
Stealing me of every breath
In the end I couldn't care
All I know
Is that I hurt
Tearing me from my waking hours
Is the sweet misery
Of a dark day
No matter how long this will last
I know for sure that one day
I will leave with a sad smile on my face


I cannot do this, anymore. I do not know what to do. My pain is becoming so severe but see it's so weird. It's not the same pain as I have felt before. Even being back here where I am staying is causing me peace. But, yet.. I know that this cannot last forever.

I just want to ignore what is going on around me. I have to, because if I don't I fear for myself, and, what will happen to me.

I cannot stand living in fear anymore. But, yet that is what I am consumed by.

All of these years, longing, hoping, wanting, needing with every fiber of my being to be loved, and, wanted, and, needed, and, kept. Only ends in tradegedy that is taking my soul and my once loving heart and putting it in a dark place. But, this time my dark place will not let me go.

I will never be free, ever again.

And, it leads me to ask myself two questions.

1. What is going to happen to me when everyone that loves me finally gives up on me for the very last time?

2. What will happen when I give up on me for the last time?

I cannot stand this everlasting pain. This neverending life that I have. It drives me to madness, and, I begin to think thoughts that are detestible even for me. I am so scared that I cannot ever get out of this.

I know that I cannot.

It's too late. And, I am the cause.

I cause everyone to leave me.

I cause everyone to desert me.

I love too much.

To fast.

Too long.

To hard.

And, I guess that maybe that scares them away.

Scared her away.

I don't know what to do. I cannot live like this. I cannot live withought her.

And, yet I am forced to every single second of every single day.

I cannot breathe anymore inside. What happends when that becomes too much?

Slowly suffocating inside my crystaline world of darkness and angony?

It hurts so much.

I've been through hell.

An infinite number of times.

And, they keep telling me that I am so much stronger than I realize.

But they don't know..

They will never know..

That I've died a thousand times a day because of this.

Her.

Him.

My parents.

Me.

My stupidity.

My complete lack of common sense.

My complete inability to connect an action to it's consequences.

What happens when I make the mistake one more time, and, I cannot ever come back from it?

I am there right now.

I'm sick.

I am so sick.

I'm scared.

I am so scared.


Someone please tell me what to do before I cannot come back from who I am?

From who she has made me?

From what I have allowed to happen to me because of love.

Love what a hateful word.

Fuck it all, damnit.