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02/18/2009

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And What Was Love Is Just A Spell Thats Broken..xx




Last Updated: 2/16/2009

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Gender: Female
Status: Single
Age: 22
Sign: Cancer

City: Plymouth
State: Michigan
Country: US
Signup Date: 6/2/2005

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www.audiorecordingschool.com November 22, 2006 - Wednesday
trish is gone
Current mood: depressed
my name is jason. i was a close personal friend of 'Kat' -Trish- this was what happened. please read anyone that cared about her.

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7:35 AM 11/22/06 jason j (cm7777777@hotmail.com)


To: southernbelle2002@hotmail.com (southernbelle2002@hotmail.com)


Subject: It's over


first my mother screwed me over and now this happy thanksfuckingday. I just don't give a damn about anything anymore

Rosie just called 20 minutes ago. she got a call a couple of hours ago from the police. they had found the missing person they were looking for, trish. in a park by a lake. the cops approached her and she started to run but she ran into one of them she started fighting with them and started to go into convulsions. she was extremely strong and was throwing the cops around as they tried to restrain her two more showed up. 5 of them couldn't control her. the convulsions increased as she fought them. finally she stopped and fell holding her chest. the only word she said that they could understand was Lauren.

rosie called theresa whocame and got her and they went where the police told them to. they saw her body, rosie id'd it but they wouldn't let them touch her. they just got home.poor rosie she doesn't need this she has enoughon her plate to deal with. she thought they were getting on really well

this is way too much for me to handle and i'm going silent maybe for good. i don't feel like talking to anyone on the phone or internet so don't bother
i need to sign on her bebo and say this as she had given me her code in case she succeeded in her dream of ending her pain. one of only a couple requests she ever made of me. never took her serious enough cuz i alwys thought i could stop her if given the chance. her heart wass the one thing i couldn't save. reality sucks

now my life is empty my heart drained tears washing the ashes on the keyboard fromher everywhere i turn i'm reminded of a real friend if not my best friend who is no more. the second time this has happened to me. next time let it be me that's taken. i can't deal with this anymore

no more i'm done. my faith in God prevents me from ending my pain so i have to suffer endlessly as i always have. this time worse than ever as my body starts to fail. let it come. i can fight no longer. i have no reason to. take care have an ice whatever. no wonder i hate holidays.


I just posted an e-mail to a mutual friend of ours cuz i don't feel like repeating myself. no energy. no desire. Emily/Falon/Trish was a great friend and a remarkable person. I had the priveledge of living with her for 3 months. the best time of my life. She was the most loving and loveable persons you ever could meet. To her enemies, you don't know what you missed. To her friends, she loved you all more than you know. This isn't the first best friend I've lost. but it will be the last. I cannot deal with this cruelness of life. It's toll is relentless. Why can't it all just stop.

9:48 AM 8 Comments(Add Comment) |2 Kudos Edit Remove


November 10, 2006 - Friday
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
Current mood: apathetic
So, after everything that Lauren has put me through emotionally, today was the cherry on the top.

I came back from Michigan correctly this time. My head was on straight.

Then today, she basically told me that she knew that I was pretending to like her recently, and, that she needs me more than anyone in the world, and, that she cares about me as more than a friend, but, she said that she fucked that up.

That threw my head off track. I'm fucked up, right now.

I ran out of here, intent on killing myself, but, then called Bob, who came and picked me up.

We got back, I told him what happened, he came up here, and, told Lauren basically to leave within the next few days, and, she took a bottle of Benadryl, and, a knife, and, wrote us a note telling us that she was going to kill herself, then ran out of the house.

I found the note right away, and, took the car keys, and, went looking for her.

I couldn't find her, so, I came back, and, picked up Bob, and, we drove around looking.

Still couldn't find her.

I called the cops.

They came, and, to make a very long story short, she walked in the door, with the male cop, whilst me, Bob, the female Police officer, and, Nola (The woman who lives with her family downstairs) stood upstairs, talking.

They took her away to the hospital in an ambulance, to be evaluated.

She hates hospitals.

She hates cops.

She's surrounded by all of them now.

I am so drained.

My heart condition is only worsened by this.

They left about half an hour ago.

I wish to die.

xXx,

11:27 PM 19 Comments(Add Comment) |6 Kudos Edit Remove


October 24, 2006 - Tuesday
Heartbroken or dangerous? Which have I become?
Current mood: crushed
There's this thing inside of me, this morbid longing to simply say yes to death, but to look it square in the eye whilst doing so. Not in defeat, exactly, but, rather with the knowledge that you've done what you can to resist, and, still be open to the distinct realization that all is lost.

Despite the valiant efforts of those around you to become your saviour, the realization that as I said...All is lost.

Fall in love with the sin, pay the devil. Fall in love with the Devil, there's hell to pay.

Either way, you lose and stand there undressed, naked, completley exposed that which you've sold your soul to keep hidden, forever.

What is it about this journey that keeps people travelling it? If you take an honest introspective look at it, it becomes vividly clear in all of its rotten bleakness. Some people are content not asking why, and expecting an answer in return. I, on the other hand am not. Is this mortal coil worth the pain, the tears, the extreme agony for a few seconds of pleasure and joy that you create for yourself, or, recieve along the way?

And, they really believe that praying to their God will do anything but give them a false hope of what will never be? CURSE this God and wake up to realize that there is noone who is going to rescue you. Noone to save us now. All is lost. Yet, here I remain, still a slave to that which can never be, again.

What is normality? Honestly, it's people walking about acting like they haven't a care in the world, denying what they hope noone can see but everyone does.

There is no darkness blacker that living in denial of reality.

You may never be able to comprehend what I am speaking of, but maybe someday you will, and, maybe someday I will no longer care. God help you and me both when that day comes.

Covering your eyes with a blanket of denial to the truth may provide a comforting blanket for now, but just wait. Someday, someone will rip that completley off of you and you'll finally be the one who is left in the cold.

Elbereth bless you and help you. Believe me, you're going to need it.

In me, you will find many secrets. Many dreams. Many thoughts. Many lies. Many answers to your questions. And, most of all many mysteries.

For that is what I am, and, shall remain to those who cannot see past their own blindness. Enjoy your ignorance while it lasts, because trust me, it will come to an abrupt end. See where you are now, but who will be there to save you when all is dark and you finally realize exactly what you really are?

What you know in your head, and what you've been told about me, will take you only so far. But, what your heart tells you is for all eternity, the truth, forevermore.

The future is like this black dark hole, lined with the sharpest razorblades. So go on, and jump into the unknown.

I dare you. x
11:17 AM 6 Comments(Add Comment) |3 Kudos Edit Remove


October 23, 2006 - Monday
I just wrote this
Current mood: creative
FAKE (n. / adj.) -anything made to appear otherwise than it actually is; counterfeit; to pretend something in which is otherwise.



girls.




girls.
are mean, and heartless,

and cold. and jealous. what?

that's right, i said it. jealous.


did i stutter?





girls.

let me tell you something

that you should never forget.


i will always be prettier

than your personality


i will always be prettier

than your crooked smile





fake.


"all the way from her dyed hair

to her abercrombie jeans."

so what i dye my hair. and i wear

hollister. "fake". that's me.


that's sarcasm





her name is kim. or nicole.

or something. i don't care.

i don't know her. but she's

"heard all about me" so she

knows she doesn't like me.

i'm sorry, what was your name?

thanks for taking the time

to talk about me. thanks for making

me the center of your world.


that's genuine.









glare.


keep staring, i love it.

"look at her she's so ugly."

then why am i surrounded

by your boyfriends?

"look at her, she's so dumb."

well, i'm smart enough to know

that i don't need your approval.

"look at her, she's so conceited."

no, i'm just happy with myself.

"look at her, she'll never be like us"


i know.






talk.


keep talking.

you know me so well.

don't you? you think so.

tell me girls, why do i

constantly forget you exist?

tell me girls, why do you

care what i do? tell me

girls, why do you obsessively

ask about me?

i suggest you get a life

and stop looking into mine





fake.


you're right.

i do pretend.

to know your name.

to accept your apology.

i do pretend.

when i acknowledge you

in public,when i

include you in conversations.

when i speak to you with a

smile. fake. you've got me

figured out. but i've got you

on far worse grounds.





fake.


your clothes are just like mine.

your music is just like mine.

your friends are just like mine.

your makeup, your hair, your words.

looks as though i've got some

competition for that label.





next time you talk.


talk loud.

next time you hurt.


make it bleed.

next time to you see me.


i'll see right through.


that's a promise





you don't want fake friends?

i don't want fake enemies.

stab me in the back a little

harder, i keep forgetting to


feel the sting.





conclusion:


a sharp tounge slits it's own throat.

so with any luck, you'll keep talking.

12:36 PM 8 Comments(Add Comment) |5 Kudos Edit Remove


October 23, 2006 - Monday
The Only Comfort Of The Dead Is To Cry For What Once Was.
Current mood: crushed
Love-what a bitter twisted thing, designed only to sow hatred, discord, and, isolation-breeded by terror. Something that mankind was made to suffer in. A black hole, filled with the sharpest razors, just waiting for the next willing victim. The walls stained with the blood of countless others.

That is all what you who know me, would probably expect to hear me say.

But, this time, you'd be completley wrong, ye.

My desires are but a sin to me, and my love so willingly given like the rain on a starving desert-Misunderstood, yet ever present.

That's all that I had, see. Love. The one thing that never fails. Yet, at such a young age, I learned that there is always a price to pay, a piper to recon with, a God to bow before. Then, where does that leave the love?

The only comfort of the dead is to cry for what once was.

The feel of longing, so desperate, so innocent, so blindly unaware of the cruelty that lies ahead. Eiether way it will eventually be taken, and, shredded into a million pieces.

Oh, god how I loved her. So lost I was in that love that I didn't heed the beating of my own heart. I only wanted love. Love such as I had to give. Freely...Forever...

Oh, what makes them act as they do? Filling up their lives, wasting time on things of no consequence whatsoever. It does not serve to either remove, or heal their pain, only a fleeting distraction. A waste of time, essentially. Precious time.

I may have fallen from what I once loved, yet He as well will remain in my heart, this Jesus who has forsaken me. In these last moments what I have to say are from the bottom of my heart, however black. Though you may not understand them, these the words of a broken heart. I had but one thing which you could, nobody could-they couldn't take away from me. Love. This love. I can't make it stop and it knows no bounds.

Forgive me, please. For in myself I can spare none for me. No love can save me now. This burning mess, ashes from the core of my shell.

A secret left untold. A curse left undone. A thrill left unexpieranced. A flower left unopened. A song left unsung. A pain so deep that I cannot resurface ever again. You've lost me now. Oh, god I cannot make it stop. Please shorten the pain of those that I love and give them solace in this time.

MY sin, yes but born and acted out from this soul that truely knew the meaning of love. Withought question, withought hesitation, withought conditions. Holding nothing back. They may have crushed my heart, but my spirit will live on in you, in them. In all who truely believe in this precious thing called love.

An unopened flower is but for a time. The seasons will pass, and, with it comes the opening of the petals. However, far away, my heart still bleeds because of her. Of all of those that plucked, and, crushed the life out this flower inside of me. But, it all started with her. My first love.

My sparkle is now gone, but the glow will live on in the hearts of those that I loved.

Remember menot as the sad one, the one withought hope. Rather, only remember me as I will remember all of you. With the magic of

Love.

xXx

8:17 AM 0 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


April 3, 2006 - Monday
TO WHOMEVER HACKED THIS ACCOUNT, AND MY BEBO..YOU FUCKING SUCK..
Current mood: angry
Someone has hacked my MySpace and changed the password, so if anything weird happens, that isn't like me....That's why. They've hacked my Bebo, as well, and I'm fucking sick and tired of you assholes who are wanting to know me to know Emma fucking Watson. LEAVE ME ALONE.



Right...Now..



<3..

11:01 PM 3 Comments(Add Comment) |1 Kudos Edit Remove


March 26, 2006 - Sunday
POSERS....
Current mood: angry
Good god, all of you stop pretending to be me, Emma Watson, and a ton of other people. I don't like my pictures/info being stolen any more than anyone else. Just knock it the fuck off. We're all getting pissed. This is ridiculous..<3..
3:41 PM 5 Comments(Add Comment) |6 Kudos Edit Remove


February 10, 2006 - Friday
And, I Just Wanna Get Your Fucking Voice Out Of My Head...
Current mood: crappy
This is going to be one hell of a first entry, but deal.

Verya:

Amin nwaly ten' he. Amin nwaly ten' an wanwa dome yassen ere' he. Mani unmartempla hyarya amin a lin firimar ereb? Amin lemb he...Namarrie...sii' mellon. Lle mela lomi e' amin corm...Ten'oio...


I've been thinking, and things are just not adding up, with my heart. It's funny. I used to be SO strong, but now I feel like I've run a zillion miles, and I'm barely hanging on, anymore.

Please, someone..Save me..I don't know who you are, but please..Don't leave me alone. Please just come and hold me, for one night. Just one..Please..

Anyways, who knows what's real, right? I mean, there are three sets of life. What you are told around you. What your instinctual thoughts/feelings are. And, last is the thought that you actually formulate from the combination of those two, and the application that follllows..

Mmk, so..I'm stuck in the middle. What I thought I knew, and felt, is not there, anymore in the sense that..I've pushed it so far away that when I want it back, I reach, and grab air.

I thought I'd learned my lesson, by now to TRUST myself. Trust my instincts. Trust my guides. I have never been led wrong, and when I don't listen to my heart, I always end up getting killed..

I just want my life back.

I feel so inconsequential. And, I don't know anymore, how to take what I FEEL, and combine it with the truths around me, and my instincts to make a realistic view of myself..I DON'T know how, anymore..

I don't want people to remember me as counterproductive, and meaningless. I want to be somebody.

And, the thing is that I KNOW that I can be. I have a voice. I love it. I can sing. I COULD go anywhere, and become what I've always wanted to be. Follow my dream..I could have that..Right in my hands..

I don't want to pretend, anymore. I don't want to live in shit, anymore. And, I don't want to live in the past, anymore.

I love you,girl. Always and forever, like I said..But, I have to think about myself, now. I've spent the past two almost years on you.I love you, I'll always love you, until the day I die. I'll wait forever, but with that comes MY life..ME for once.

I love you..


Oh why cant I be what you need?
a new improved version of me
But Im nothing so good, no Im nothing
Just bones, a lonely ghost burning down songs
Of violence of love and of sorrow
I beg for just one more tomorrow
Where you hold me down, fold me in
Deep, deep, deep in the heart of your sins

I break in two over you, oh,
I break in two, and each piece of me dies
And only you can give the breath of life
But you dont see me, you dont

Here Im pinned between darkness and light
Bleached and blinded by these nights
Where Im tossing and tortured till dawn
I view visions of you, then you're gone
The shock bleeds the red from my face
When I hear someone has taken my place
How could love be so thoughtless, so cruel?
When all, all that I did was for you

I break in two over you, oh,
I break in two, and each piece of me dies
And only you can give the breath of life
But you dont see me, you dont (x2)

I break in two over you, oh,
I break in two

Over you, I break in two
I will break in two, for you
Now you see me, now you dont
Now you need me, now you dont




neckbreaking-girlbiting-succubus .

It takes two to fall in love
but only one has to pull the plug
and then you're left alone
just like that








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And What Was Love Is Just A Spell Thats Broken..xx




Last Updated: 2/16/2009

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Gender: Female
Status: Single
Age: 22
Sign: Cancer

City: Plymouth
State: Michigan
Country: US
Signup Date: 6/2/2005

Blog Archive
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Jan Feb Mar Apr May Jun Jul Aug Sep Oct Nov Dec / 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 / 1981 1982 1983 1984 1985 1986 1987 1988 1989 1990 1991 1992 1993 1994 1995 1996 1997 1998 1999 2000 2001 2002 2003 2004 2005 2006 2007 2008 2009 2010 2011 2012 2013 2014 2015 2016 2017 2018 2019 2020 2021 2022 2023 2024 2025 2026 2027 2028 2029 2030 2031 2032 2033 2034 2035 2036 2037 2038 2039 2040 2041 2042 2043 2044 2045 2046 2047 2048 2049 2050 2051 2052 2053 2054 2055 2056 2057 2058 2059 2060 2061 2062 2063 2064 2065 2066 2067 2068 2069 2070 2071 2072 2073 2074 2075 2076 2077 2078 2079 2080 2081 2082 2083 2084 2085 2086 2087 2088 2089 2090 2091 2092 2093 2094 2095 2096 2097 2098 2099


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AchieveItOnline.com November 25, 2007 - Sunday
It Won’t Ever Stop..
Current mood: busy
Category: Romance and Relationships
Why hello..

God, it's been such a traumatizing year. I don't know where to begin, really. I've been through so much. It hurts just to think on it. I can't do this, here. I'm too close to it. Too close to myself. Too close to the girls who have hurt me. Too close and yet so far away from myself and all that I used to be as comparing it to the person that I need to be. Oh, God, will this ever stop?? The pain is not comforting, anymore, neither is the numbness anything but breath stopping. I am so scared, and, alone. Surrounded, yet isolated. Bombarded, but, alone. Make sense??



Here's some of my writing. Enjoy.

Underneath a cloudy sky I hide

From me

From you.

Will this never end? Whimpering softly I climb up to the highest mountain, and, cry.

In the deepest shadows I crawl, waiting for something to bleed dry. This blood-lust must be quelled. This thirst must be quenched.

Dying- I know that I am. I must be for what pain can be so great if not meant to leave me for dead in the Earth. Take this life of mine. Destroy what's left of me. For I have destroyed the good, long ago.

Now, I am left with my world, only this..Drowning in a dark watery grave.

.......................................................................................................................

Through my blinding rage

They don't get it, though they try in their own way.

They can't think of what to say, so they look away, hiding behind what they could never understand. Fake smiles line their faces, showing me only the emptiness reflected in my own.

Take me away from me.

Lead me away from myself.

Tell me a lie to soothe my soul.

Hurt me, girl, so I can suffer more.

For this is all that I know.

Tell me no truth, answer no righteous way.

Free me from the truth. Bind me to the lie.

As my fingers gingerly pick up the razor once more, the wounds that I inflict on myself sob for relief -

I wish for death.

Come and free me from this life, as the razor whispers the sweet comfort of the only truth that I have come to know.

'This is your freedom'.

........................................................................................................................

Standing on this rooftop, I look down, and, see the light of no more day. One leap will bring me the freedom that I so desire. And, this one leap. This one fall..IS my desire.

Laying on the floor, the razor in place on my wrist, my one last thought is a prayer for death. As I press down, the blood flows red, and, free, telling me the truth that is becoming a reality to me, slowly..I'll also be free, soon.

Holding this 44 to my head, I cry..Knowing that in this- my last two minutes on the Earth that noone will come for me. Even if they did. I'd turn them away.

I've always turned them away.





7:11 PM 2 Comments(Add Comment) |2 Kudos Edit Remove


March 26, 2007 - Monday
GACK..
Current mood: sad
Category: Life
You know how when something bad keeps on happening, and, you keep letting it happen? Like, for example, a relationship, okay?? You're in this supposed realationship, and, the person continually fucks you over, but, just like a little puppy dog who gets kicked, you come back and smother it in kisses? That's my famous analogy, but, it describes me to a 'T'. I have no comprehensible idea why I do that, but, I seem to be completley disenfranchised, and, powerless to stop it from happening.


Until now..

I am finally stopping my self inflicted crucifixion, because, I realize once more that I have the power over myself, not her. Not Lauren. Me. I can't stand being hurt, and, making myself enfeebled simply because I want her to love me. She doesn't. She never has. She never will. I've done all that I can, and, have completley exasterbated all of my wherewithal to continue taking such abuse. I love like no other that I have ever met, in the simple fact, that no matter what you do, I'll always love you. Always. But, I allow myself to be belittled and humiliated, over, and, over again, and, it has to come to a cuspated stop, NOW. I will not allow myself to be a doormat, ever again. Do I love her? YES YES. Will I love her until my dying breath? YES. Will I allow her to hurt me anymore?? NO. Or at least I'll attempt vigiliantly not to allow that to happen. I love her, I want her, but, I'm realizing more and more that the feelings were never returned. I fought with her, I fucked her, but, she never loved me. Everyone was correct, except for myself. I can't stand that, really.

And, to top it all off, my heart is worse, and, hurting more, and, more, every single day. And, my pills are making me insusceptible, and, immune to them, therefore, today was the first day in forever, that I have been this fucking depressed.

Oh, yeah, and, I had a horrible dream that Ruby got shot to death.

I've been wayy to scared to phone her.

I really do hope that she's alright.

I can't take this pain, and, stress anymore, and, I don't know what to do about it. The doc's pills aren't working, anymore, and, I'm getting my old pal 'suicide' back into my ever waning mind.

I swear, my sanity has gone completley out of the preverbial window, these last months. Scratch that, years. I don't know what to do, anymore, and, I'm terrified of the future, because, all that it holds for me is certain death, and, I cannot seem to shroud what's happened to me in my life, anymore. If anyone out there knows how to live, and, be happy, and, have a girlfriend that loves them completley..Be happy about it, and, please, never, ever take her or him for granted, because, you never know when they will be gone, or, simply taken away from you. Live every moment as if it's going to be your last.

Please, I'm begging you, take care of your significant other, and, never allow them to feel as I do. Love them. Nurture them. Give them you're entire being, and, let them complete you, and, don't hold back, because, my life is a prime example of what can happen, if one is not as commited as the other. Please take my advice. Show them every single day that you care, not just with presents (although, that's always a bonus, hehe..), but, with a single word, a little brush of your lips against theirs, a squeeze of the hand, apatontheasshehe. Cook them dinner. Take them to a movie. Make love to them, don't simply fuck them. Make them feel like they are the only person in a room full of people, with eyes only for them. Hold their hand. Kiss them. Hug them. Cuddle with them. Smile at them. Give them that little special look, so that they know for sure and certain that they are your life. Don't ever take them for granted, for as I said, you don't know when they will be gone. But, above all..Love them.

xxXxx

1:31 PM 5 Comments(Add Comment) |6 Kudos Edit Remove


March 24, 2007 - Saturday
?/
Current mood: angry
These are two new ones written in 4 minutes, lol.

Opinions please??


1. Into this darkness I plunge. Forever lost to what I once knew. Tormented 'til the last- doomed to eternally walk among the damned. An endless life of anguish.
Take these chains from my wrists and make them your own.
for I will not see the light of day again.

Withought hope-living in abysmal fear.
Withought love- yearning forever.
This is my destiny, and all of you who walk in this silent darkness.





2. Creeping cold soaks my soul.
Chilling ice invades my memory.

Where has all the innosence gone??

This mortal coil a disastrous numbing mess.
Inside my mind there is a void that reaches to my very soul, corrupting the good that once was.

Once there was love----Nevermore to return.
Once there was hope---Shattered before my eyes.

Now I hide in shadows waiting for the dark that is to come.


3:26 PM 3 Comments(Add Comment) |5 Kudos Edit Remove


February 2, 2007 - Friday

Current mood: apathetic
Running into this wall again, I stand before you, now.
How many more times can this happen?
There is so much in this life that cannot be explained in words, yet, just one look, a word, a whisper can erase the doubts, and fear.
Stumbling in the dark, trying to see the light, I remember the time when nothing else mattered but you.
And I..
I can see what has happened here, so clearly.
What more can be done to make it right?
As I look into your eyes, I see once more, the rampant diseased pain that has left its mark.
Look up to the moon now. Let it soak into you, and soothe your troubled soul.

Falling to my knees, again, I find one more reason to give up in this darkness.
I want nothing more than to let this painful memory escape from my mind, seep from my soul, as the crimson drops begin to flow..Dark, red and free.
I stand again, but you push me back down, not letting me go.
Your hands grip my arm in your painful grasp, as I beg you not to do this, again.
You smile down at me, and then sneer 'why not? you know you want it'.
And, so I remain, unable to stop this, unwilling to make it go away.

Lying on the dark forest floor, only the moon as my comfort, I feel the tears begin to slip from my eyes.
I have nothing left now, but you. Only you, in my dreams. I try to move, but my eyes seem to be glazed, and, my limbs won't move. What is happening here? Am I really dying? I feel my body rise up, but wait. I see you then. The one from my dreams. Walking towards me, willing me to come closer.

I stand amazed, the vision does not cease. You take my hand, look me in the eyes, and, heal the wounds that noone has ever seen.
I've found a purpose now. In this frail life, nothing is wrong, nothing is right, only this. I wait for you to leave, but you don't. I tell you that I'm sure you're not going to stay, you must have someone else waiting for you. You only smile and tell me that there is noone else. You've come to stay in my heart. I look away, for a split second, and, you are gone. I look down and a lone rose is left behind. But, I feel you inside me, now.

Gazing slowly up at the moon, with my new eyes, I begin to smile.
I smile for the one whom I love.
The one who saved me.
The one who saw what noone else has seen in me.
Only you.
I press the rose to my heart, and slowly walk away.

We will meet, again..


12:54 PM 1 Comments(Add Comment) |2 Kudos Edit Remove


January 11, 2007 - Thursday
I Have A Third Degree Felony.
Current mood: contemplative
I got arrested two nights ago.

Let me tell you, there is nothing scarier than your worst nightmare coming true.

From being yanked out of the car, to being called a 'fucking bitch' by police who don't even know your name, to being locked up in a cold dark damp smelly cell...That's it.

When they put me in there, I started crying. Didn't stop until last night, when I was finally bailed out.

Lauren and Jason were the ones who did it, really. She was sitting there waiting for me to get out, and, when I came through the door, with one of my cellmate chicks and saw Lauren...I was never happier to see anyone in my entire life.

I was so scared. I have a bad heart, and, they called the paremedics, who wanted to take me to the hospital straightaway. They told me that Jason was out there bailing me out, in 40 minutes, so I could either sit in the hospital for countless hours or wait for Jason to get me out, and, then he could take me to the hospital. I said that I would wait.

They lied to me, he didn't get me out.

I was trying to sleep on a hard board. I was so cold. And, scared. And, crying.

They wouldn't bring the ambulance back, they just kept saying no. I could have died. I will sue them if I can. They wouldn't give me any water or food.

Then next morning I was stuck with a whiny screaming cell mate next door and they took us to the Passaic prison.

Goddamnit.

That was 4455453246345645 times worse, let me tell you that.

No water.


NO food.

Nothing.

I wanted to die.

I called Loraine every 2 seconds who would then call Lauren and Jason and tell me what was going on.

I was determined to get out last night, otherwise, I know that I would have died.

I have to go to another hearing on Feburary 7th. If they sentance me to jailtime, I will kill myself.

I'm just letting you know, now.

I have a third degree felony, now.

I was so scared. I was sitting there crying every second. Everyone thought that I was fucking stupid. They told me to just accept it. But, I know myself. I would have killed myself or just faded away and died. I'm not designed to be in a jail cell.

I hate myself.

x
4:01 PM 4 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


December 19, 2006 - Tuesday
Please forgive me, becuase, I cannot forgive myself. xXx.
Current mood: crappy
I love her so much.

But, death is the only way.

Jason, I'm so sorry.

God, why does everything fall apart?

Everytime I'm okay, I find out that I'm just a piece of shit.

Everyone thinks so.

Why shouldn't I?

For years now, everytime I've attempted to die, or wanted to, I'd have Bria, Tabby, or, Casey telling me that I needed to live for them.

When will people understand that I can't live for them anymore?

And, I cannot live for myself, so where does that leave me?

Dying, bleeding, broken, and, barely breathing.

Please don't think badly of me for all of the things that you all believe that I've done.

I never meant to hurt anyone, and god.

I just...I wanted someone to love me.

And, then when they did, I made them leave eventually, somehow.

Twisted...God.

What's wrong with me?

How can I love so much, yet everything turns around for the bad?

It's laying me down for the last time, tonight.

Drowning my will to live.

Here in the darkness is the only place that I know myself fully.

I can't break free of myself until I die.

Let me go.

ANYTHING is better than to be alone, do you realize that?

I don't have the strength to fight anymore.

I had to fall to learn that.

I found my place among the ashes of time.

I can't hold onto myself anymore.

There's something wrong with me.

Please, don't hate me now.

I can't keep locking everything up inside, and, letting it out at the wrong times.

I'm dying...

I've been dying for years.

I need this.

Remember that all alone is where I have always belonged.


Just forgive me, because I cannot forgive myself.


Goodbye. x
5:33 PM 3 Comments(Add Comment) |2 Kudos Edit Remove


December 19, 2006 - Tuesday
Please forgive me, becuase, I cannot forgive myself. xXx.
Current mood: crappy
I love her so much.

But, death is the only way.

Jason, I'm so sorry.

God, why does everything fall apart?

Everytime I'm okay, I find out that I'm just a piece of shit.

Everyone thinks so.

Why shouldn't I?

For years now, everytime I've attempted to die, or wanted to, I'd have Bria, Tabby, or, Casey telling me that I needed to live for them.

When will people understand that I can't live for them anymore?

And, I cannot live for myself, so where does that leave me?

Dying, bleeding, broken, and, barely breathing.

Please don't think badly of me for all of the things that you all believe that I've done.

I never meant to hurt anyone, and god.

I just...I wanted someone to love me.

And, then when they did, I made them leave eventually, somehow.

Twisted...God.

What's wrong with me?

How can I love so much, yet everything turns around for the bad?

It's laying me down for the last time, tonight.

Drowning my will to live.

Here in the darkness is the only place that I know myself fully.

I can't break free of myself until I die.

Let me go.

ANYTHING is better than to be alone, do you realize that?

I don't have the strength to fight anymore.

I had to fall to learn that.

I found my place among the ashes of time.

I can't hold onto myself anymore.

There's something wrong with me.

Please, don't hate me now.

I can't keep locking everything up inside, and, letting it out at the wrong times.

I'm dying...

I've been dying for years.

I need this.

Remember that all alone is where I have always belonged.


Just forgive me, because I cannot forgive myself.


Goodbye. x
5:33 PM 2 Comments(Add Comment) |2 Kudos Edit Remove


December 18, 2006 - Monday
Drunk
Current mood: groggy
I got really drunk with Chris, and, Teresa last night.

Hahaha.

Okay, so we were sitting there...I'm in the middle, Chris is on my right, and, Teresa's on the left.

We were singing Shania Twain's 'I'm gonna get ya good', and, 'Man, I feel like a woman'.

Chris kept getting me off key, because, he was singing like a.....girl.

Hahahaha.

Um.

Then I kinda was like getting into my horny phase, as I so often do when I'm drunk.

God.

I HAD FUN, lemme put it to you that way.

I ended up knocking the dvd players off the tv. -_-.

Yer, I like to fuck when I'm drunk.

Hahahaha.

And, I did.

And, guess what?

I finally walked out of the bedroom, and, I didn't know that Rosie was on the couch, and, I was like 'MOVE'. When she didn't, I poked her in the eye, and, then punched her in the mouth, apparently.

I don't rememeber that.

Ah, this is why I don't get drunk too often.

It was mucho fun, though.

I think that we're going to do it again, tonight.

The drinking, I mean.

xXx.......
9:57 AM 1 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


December 16, 2006 - Saturday
What The Fuck.......
Current mood: drained

I hurt now more than I ever thought was possible. I've tried to not think about it. I've tried to ignore this. I've tried to block it, drag it, kicking and screaming out of me, but, I cannot. I've done everything physically, and, I thought mentally possible to stop hurting.

Casey......Then Lauren...God. Please somebody just save me from this.

I don't know what to do, I'm losing control of me.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Why do I love so strongly? I hate it. I want it gone.

I want me gone.

I just don't know what to do.

Nobody undestands. Not really. They try. They love me, they comfort me, they help me, in their own way, but, I'm realizing more and more now that........Nobody can save me from what is inevitebally going to happen. And, soon......I will die. End of story. Kaput. Blah. Finito. Zip. AND, THERE'S ABSOLOUTLEY nothing that can be done. Who can I blame? Casey? Lauren? Myself? Yes, that's the one. ME. I DID THIS TO MYSELF. But how? All that I did was give my love......

See, my love is this thing that once you obtain it...Only death seperates you from my love.

I don't know what to do, anymore.

I'm breaking up inside. Again. Over and over and over and over, IT NEVER STOPS.

And, when it does stop, it's only for a certain amount of time, yet, it always disappears. If I'm happy, it is always followed by an even longer stretch of pain, and, anguish.

I might sound very dramatic to you, but, I promise you that this is the mild part of me.

I'm not the only one.

But, I'm the only one who can understand me, and, now that I can't.......Where does that leave me?

Grieving, hurt, lost, and, bleeding........

Again.

Oh god, I think that I am going to just....Explode from this.

I don't know what to do......

I can't make it, right now...

God, it never ends...

I'M THE SACRIFICE....MY SOUL...HOW CAN I MAKE SOMEONE UNDERSTAND?

If I can't feel anymore........I'M NOT REAL....I'm just here...

I'm not alive inside, so WHY do I have to keep on living? I stopped breathing inside a long time ago, why can't I make it match, on the outside?

I can't.....God, I'm going to break.

I don't have anything left, anymore. I have.....Zilch.

God, my heart is in so many pieces, and, I can't be fixed.

Let me go, please...

I don't want to love, anymore.

I can't shut it off.

I'm so alone, and, far away...I'm not even part of this world, anymore.

WHY CAN'T YOU FEEL ME CALLING YOUR NAME?

Oh, god. It's breaking me.

You can't find the words to make me better.

So, I'll bleed forever...

I'm lost, to you now.

I would have run forever to get you back.

I can't grieve anymore, I'm dying.

Kill.

1:37 AM 1 Comments(Add Comment) |1 Kudos Edit Remove


November 29, 2006 - Wednesday
The Truth, Ye.
Current mood: crushed
God. What a traumatizing year.

Yeah, so I met this chick named Lauren last February online. We were both doing a little roleplaying game, and, it started out like that.

Then one night, I decided that I wanted to talk to her on the phone, so, I asked her if I could call her. She said yes, and, at that point we both (So I THOUGHT) had really not true feeings for the other.

Then we continued speaking on the phone. I fell in love with the person that she pretended to be. That person was one of the most loving people that I have ever met. But, it wasn't real.

Then I met her in person, and, things started off...Really fast...We just were together, then we weren't. Then we were...You get the idea...

She told me that she loved me, and, after a long time of torment from her, I actually HEARD her telling Jason (My other half) that it was all just a game to her, and, it was 'SO EASY' to mess with my head.

Of course it was.

I was born with the natural ability to love...A love so deep that anyone who happens to befall themselves in front of me will have me forever...I love so deeply that it's creepy. But, it's a love that...Lasts forever, no matter what.

And, she took the one thing that I had...The one thing about me that was pure, and, untouched, and, undefiled, and, twisted it into something horrible.

Then right before we both went our seperate ways, we were in the house and she came up to me, and, told me that 'she really was in love with me, it just took her this long to realize it'.

When she told me that, I picked up a knife, then threw it down, and, ran out of the house. I just had to get out. I couldn't take that...That was the very last thing that I'd ever have wanted to hear, at that point.

My soul is still connected to Casey, my ex, but, I never thought that I could love someone, again...She killed a part of me that I'd never thought I posessed.

Then this happened, and, I...It's like seeing yourself in a reflection as a new beautiful person, and, reaching out to touch it, and all of a sudden the glass shatters into your hands, your face...Then you're bleeding. Bleeding so much that you think that you will die.

Yet it never stops.

You bleed forever...

Oh, god what have I done?

I don't know what to do.

I wish that I had killed myself, instead of pretending to.

I hate me for being so gullible.

But, I cannot stop this stupid love from flowing out me.

WHY DO I CARE ABOUT PEOPLE SO FUCKING MUCH?

I'd give anything in this world to not have love for anyone.

I'm sorry. xXx

5:02 PM 2 Comments(Add Comment) |4 Kudos Edit Remove


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AchieveItOnline.com December 8, 2007 - Saturday
My Rant..
Current mood: crazy
Any-ways...I'm not a whore...Just...One in the making?...Hahaha...NO NO NO...I'm just lonley for some-one to like...

Hold hands with...Just...Walk together...Talk...Laugh...Have someone to poke, and, tickle, and, have them tackle me...Haha...It's...I dunno...Just the feeling of...Someone putting their first two fingers under your chin and gently moving your head up to meet their eyes...The way your cheeks flame...The way you suddenly get hot...

The way they put their arm around you...The way I slide my hand onto their back...The way that...You gently lean foward in that still moment, and, brush your lips softly against their's...Both closing their eyes...Then opening them...Eye-lashes brushing against each other's cheeks...The way that you want more...But, are afraid...

That is all so special...

I dunno...I'm just...Sappy, but, I can't help it...I need that, so much...

It really sucks...

I dunno what to do...I'm stupid, I guess...I just want some-one to hold me...And to be able to hold them...

This Is Ridiculous...One minute, I'm really happy!...The next, I wanna die...But, for me, I try it!...I'm trying not to...I just don't know what to do, now...Hm....*Sigh*...

I have living...Why can't I just...Slip away...

I want to...I either have to get some counseling, or, this is going to beat me, in the end...I don't know...Cutting seems like an option, to-night, but, yet...I don't know that that will help...Argh...

I'm scared...Like...To get help...I don't know that I can do this by my-self...

I need a hug...Ha...Funny...
Argh, I hate me...

Other than that...I'm slightly ok...

I really feel like...I should just slip away from my friends...Be-cause...I don't want them to...Have blame for any-thing, that is going to happen, and, I don't want to bother them, in any way...

That, I guess, is my worst fear...Bothering them, and, in bothering them, they turn away...I would rather do any-thing, than that...

I really am gonna start slipping away, as slowly as I can...That way...It...Won't be as...Noticable?...I'm not sure...

I'm afraid, I guess,
What else is new?...

I'm so tired...Tired...*Yawn*...
4:54 PM 5 Comments(Add Comment) |6 Kudos Edit Remove


December 8, 2007 - Saturday
my poems
Current mood: bouncy
Everyone's Asleep. I creep silently, down the stairs, into the kitchen.

As I reach the drawer, I stop, looking around, I take out the knife. Putting it in-to my pocket, I turn around, walk up the stairs again, in-to the bathroom. The water runs in-to the shower, heating up. I stare in-to the mirror one more time, looking at the face that I detest...

Stepping in-to the shower, holding the knife, my hands trembling, I for the last time, lower it to my tender flesh...

As the cold steel makes it's penetration, I wince, at the sight of my own blood, as it starts it's long pattern...Dripping...Running...Bleeding...Agonizingly slow, spiriling down-ward to the clear water, now tainted...It is immiediately washed away, but, I am persistant, this time, un-willing that I should fail, yet in this too...Yes, in this one thing, I will win...

As the cut becomes a constant stream, I sense that my time is running out. I slowly sink to me knees, the un-relentless water stinging...Biting...Tearing...I feel numb, but, strangely liberated...

A peaceful ***Auora*** fills me, yet, I still long to live. The circumstances which drive me to such measures will never change...'You can leave soon! You don't have to stay here forever!', you say, but, you don't understand. My problems are mostly internal. They will folow me wher-ever I go...

No, this is the only way...

As my body, listlessly drops to the tile, I know I must be crying. But, why? This is freedom...

Yet, sobs still attack me. As my breath becomes more shallow, I remember the note that I left for everyone. I hope they aren't angry, and, can try to understand. They don't need me, anyways. They never did...

Heh, I always did care too much what other people thought about me. I wanted someone...ANYONE, to love me...Just to fold me in-to their arms, and, promise that they won't leave me alone...

But, they just couldn't understand the pain that I was in. Now, it is time...As I succumb to the magnetic force of death, I see a light, brighter than any other, suddenly, descends in-to a blackness, deeper than any I'd ever encountered...

Oh, why couldn't you just have loved me, and, saved me from this????????????

My last thoughts are written for all to see...

*But, I Wanted To Live...*...



Running...Tripping...Falling...
The vicious circle never breaks, for variation...
The hope, born af-resh, broken, by the fall...
What happens in between the time...
When we realize that happiness is achievable...
And, when we fall flat on our face, once again, after hoping...
Realizing that hope is false...
Pessimism, takes over positive reality, and, I shudder...
Realizing the penalty for such thoughts...

Soaring...Crashing...Breaking...
The law of gravity shows no mercy...
No relief for my tortured mind...
No new day of peace...
Anger, welling up against the flood-gates of my DISEASED emotions...

Pain...Fear...Trembling...
My mind races, as the trembling starting in my hands, spreads to my entire body, my fingertips feebly grasping the air, willing someone to be there to catch me...
Trapped against the wall, once again, as you ravage my mind, body, and soul...
Will this tremor ever stop...
As you walk away from me, at last, the full realization of what has just happened hits me with such force, I feel the panic welling up in me...
I now realize that I will never be the same again...
Maybe some-day, that can be a help to my life...
But, in this present state of darkness, even as weak as my mind is, I do know this one thing...
You destroyed me...

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Blinding rage, a sudden pain, un-wanted tears
Seeping through the milky haze


Drowning out the fearful beat of my heart
Tainted by bloody hands, mixed with the seething vapor of hatred.
The deadly pallor comes over my face, as once again my dreams are swept away in the twinkling of an eye, and the unmistakeable, bright flash of a blade...


What is there to lose? What is there to gain? In this dark, lonely, world of blackness, losing is a comfort, as the metal dulls the pain...

They lunge for me again, taking my mind into their hands. Gripping me fron all directions they start out gentle as a whisper, but, gradually grow to a scream. Telling me just to take that last step into oblivion...
'Deeper, harder, that's it, just a little more.' Death is made to sound like a balmy, peace-filled bliss in their mouths...


Their probing, ravaging hands encircle my flesh as they whisper their strangely, calming, disturbing, words of entreaty. They assure me that by taking that one last plunge into darkness freedom will come...I am so overcome with the possibility of having a faint hope once more that I do not see the sneers, and, evil laughter resonating all around me...


As the razor-sharp steel repeats it's bloody course, numbing my flesh, I cover my face with my hands, un-willed tears finding their way to the floor...it whispers the only real truth that I have known...'This Is Your Freedom'...








All These Days sitting alone, trying desperately to find a reason to live. Reality strikes hard, as, one-by-one her dreams fall into the forves of darkness invading her life.


Breathing hard as a prayer is once more lifted up for a release from this hell that has become her life. She runs up the steps to the dark room once again. Blocking out the vicious words of hate spoken in a blind rage, the tears, unwanted slip down her fair cheeks. Her one desire was to have one person to love her more than anything.


She lays on her bed staring at the celiling, making friends with shadows on her wall. She slowly stands up, and, walks to the mirror. She is shocked by her own reflection, as she sees a ghostly-pale, tear-lined face, shadowed with pain. Her figure, once so curved and full, now is ravaged by the desire to look perfect in today's society. The fire and passion, once so clear and bright, is now overcome with econfusion, fear, and, worry. Her faith in God, once so strong is now weakened by the pain inflicted on her by human hands.


She makes the decision as she fails once more. Reaching into the top drawer, she pulls out the object of destruction. As the blade flashes into every corner of the room like so many thousand crystals and diamonds, she pleads one more time for someone to love her. She realizes everything is not like she's seen in the movies, and, she bleeds just to know that she is alive. Her world was made to be broken. The cruel blade flashes again and again, over the pure white arm, as she begs for someone just to know who she is. But, she knows that she's fighting a battle that she will lose.


Her mind is made up this time. Blindly searching for answers, she sees this as the only option left to end the pain. The knife shimmers as the life-blood drains from her arms. She hears foot-steps, and quickly hides under the mountain of blankets. The light pours into the dark room, as the figure yells, 'She's still asleep. A voice answers from below, 'She's just wasting her life in there.' As the door closes, darkness envelops her once more. She feels so frightened. She feels so alone.


She knows that even heros can't save her now. She's on a one-way street. Even in these last moments, she's still looking for special things inside of her. She's only human. She can't hide anymore. She feels like as if she's going crazy. She's in too deep. She can't turn back now.


As the realization that time is running out claims her, she laus down and prays to the God who saved her soul, but has forsaken her. One more time she begs to be taken to a place of acceptance and love.


As the last drops of blood fall to the growing, dark puddle on the floor, she cries even as she doesn't want to do this. She wants to live. She craves life. The last drop runs down her arm, and hangs on her finger-tip. Then, as if in slow motion it suddenly falls, and hits the floor.


Suddenly, as the gentle eyes close for the last time, her dying breath is a prayer for love and forgiveness for this sin. As her last breath is escaping, the sky seems to cry with the rain falling on the earth as one treasure, un-discovered, leaves it's arms...... ...







Here's my piece of shit that I wrote for to-day...

'Vortex'...

'Lies, Promises, Twisted love, broken in an instant...
Shattered pieces of imagined trust, laying in my hands...
Thoughts of suicide prevail against the darkness etched in-to my heart...

Hazy vortex, spinning, loud, growing thicker with each thought from dark, troubled thoughts, swiriling throught my mind...
It comes nearer, and, I be-gin to feel the magnetic force, as, it pills relentlessly at my soul...

I cling desperately to the love...The one thing that I have left...

In that one moment, my mind seems to be in slow motion, as I look pleadingly at that last breath of hope.
As time remails suspended, I see the soft, contours of the one face that I love, and, trust, turn black with an un-imaginable hate...

It then breaks in-to a thousand pieces, as that last breath is forced from my aching lungs...

And, my fingers pain-fully let go of life...

The darkness...The pain...The vortex...Wins...'





All I Wanted was a chance...To make things right...
All you wanted...Was the chance...To kill me inside...
All I wanted...Was to hold your hand...
All you wanted...Was to take me down...
All I wanted...Was to dream the dream that is connected to your heart...
All you wanted...Was to rip mine out...
All I wanted...Was to hear a word of love from your lips...All you wanted...Was to speak harshly to me...
All I wanted...Was to look at you, so that my eyes would light up, again...All you wanted...was to make me cry...
What happened to us?
Why did you betray me?
Why?




I'm glad I told you.
I'm glad I felt you.
How could you betray me?
Is this what you wanted?
I am not the same.
I'm just a girl.
You threw me away...
I loved you, more than my own life.
Now, I bleed for you.
When you are with those igits you call friends.
When you see the moon, bright, like my eyes, when I lookd at you.
When you see the sun-rise, or sun-set.
When you feel the balmy breeze, gently, caressing your face .
Remember You could have had me.
Remember that I loved you.
Remember me.;'







If I Do not wake tomorrow, will you still remember that I loved you?
If my eye-lids never open, to see the sun rise...Will you still remember them gently fluttering against your face?
If my lips lie cold, in the morning air, will you still remember the way they caressed your skin?
If my hands, never lift agin to life...Will you still remember the way I held you, and, never wanted to let you go?
Or will your memory, fade me in-to nothingness, as the morning mist melts, finally succumbing to the heat of the rising sun?
As I lie here, ready for death, my last breath is a plea, masked as a question...Please...

Will you remember me?...

One drop falls, a-gain...Red, and, wet as the last, but, each one, darker, than the last...
My tears, falling, un-willed...
I am out of control, as the demons, en-velop my mind...
Drunk on my own blood, my hand moves faster...
Over, and, over, and, over, it cuts...Deeper...Faster...
I feel no pain...
This time I will not stop...
I slowly lift my tear filled-eyes, and, they are refletcted in yours. They are as the ocean...EmptiLESS...Never-Ending...Full...
The lonliness over-takes me, as I continue my quest for no pain...
As the torture finally sib-sides, the pain returns, worse than be-fore...
As my breath escapes me, for the last time, the pain...Finally, leaves me for-ever, as it slips from my wrist...
I am free...





Ok, here's the first one...

Dripping...

Mangled Flesh, inferior, end-lessly falling, in-to fore-ver...

Mask, replaced by mask, new layers built on...

Hours ticking by, as decades...Sitting alone in the agony, of my mind...

Brooding, like the ocean, after light...Darkness envelopes me, as the silent murky, waters sweep over my head, illuminating the moon, across my tear stained face, as I wait for you...

I'm falling...Desperation is fulfilled, as the waves of pain orgasm intensly, over me...I am in excstacy...

As the tears slip down my face...My mind releases...I have let go...I finally let you slip through my fingers, like the softest rose petals...

I love you still...Even as I walk past you with-ought a word...Pretending that I am over you...

You have won...I am crushed...
Bruised...
Forsaken...

And, now...It's over...

I am un-done...

I have fallen...


Ok...Here is the song...Do you think that any-one would be interested in music for it? For any-one that has read any of my stuff, do I have any hope for a singing, song-writing, traveling career? LOL...I really am serious...

'True Colors'...

Now, I see your face again...

(((So clearly)))...

Vs. 1...

I thought that I silenced the memory of what we used to be...
But, now I wake from my dream, and, see that you never really could have cared a-bout me...Be-cause your...

***Chorus***...

True colors, so decieving...
Shining so brightly now...
I look at you...
You have won...
Even in all that you've done to me, baby...
I still find that love for you some-how...

---(((in-side me)))...

Vs. 2...

What is this you've done?

(((I'm alone)))...

Left me with a mess created by you...
I'm crying here...Reaching out to you...
As you turned and, walked away...

Your back to me...
Your walking...

I stare in wonder as I finally see your...

*Chorus*...





.. type=text/javascript>.. google_ad_client = "pub-9066369209837708"; google_ad_width = 120; google_ad_height = 240; google_ad_format = "120x240_as"; google_ad_type = "text_image"; google_ad_channel ="2802052065"; google_color_border = "FFFFFF"; google_color_bg = "FFFFFF"; google_color_link = "990000"; google_color_url = "990000"; google_color_text = "333333"; //-->..> .. src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js" type=text/javascript> ..> <[[iframe]] name=google_ads_frame marginWidth=0 marginHeight=0 src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/ads?client=ca-pub-9066369209837708&dt=1197150361640&lmt=1197150361&format=120x240_as&output=html&correlator=1197150361640&channel=2802052065&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.golivewire.com%2Fforums%2Fpeer-eayab-support-a.html&color_bg=FFFFFF&color_text=333333&color_link=990000&color_url=990000&color_border=FFFFFF&ad_type=text_image&ref=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.golivewire.com%2Fforums%2Fmyposts.cgi%3Faction%3D5700%26show%3D160%26zone%3D%26sort%3DDESC%26range%3Dmember%26content%3Dtopics%26orderby%3D%26slimit%3D%26h%3D%26ps%3D%26qu%3D&cc=100&ga_vid=753633779.1197150362&ga_sid=1197150362&ga_hid=1668909707&flash=9&u_h=768&u_w=1024&u_ah=738&u_aw=1024&u_cd=32&u_tz=-300&u_his=91&u_java=true" frameBorder=0 width=120 scrolling=no height=240 allowTransparency>I Stare In-to the water...
It's balmy depth spring up to shimmer over me...

You used to be like that water...

Strong enough to keep me alive, and, yet, deep enough to kill me...

And, now...As I gaze in-to your eyes...
I see what you wanted to hide, all a-long...
All of your fears, in desperation, you cling to them...

Memories surface, as the air bubbles on the crystal water...

I see you...The way that it used to be...Now, it's changed...

I stare in-to the night sky...
It's black wonder, blanched by the lacy stars, bathing me in light...

You were always like that sky...
Sparkling, bright enough to let me know that you loved me...Yet, dark, and, mysterious enough to keep me wondering...

And, now, as I take your hand in mine, I see what has happened to you...

All of your hopes, with abandon, you have forsaken them...

And, I...Am left here, as you silently slip away...

As I look you in the eyes...I sink in-to them, as a mirage, begging you not to leave me...

As mutual tears fill our eyes, you slowly, release...And, let my hand fall to my side...

Backing away, slowly, you brush your lips a-gainst mine, soft as rose petals...

As you look lovingly at me, I blink, and, as my eyes open, you are gone...Dissapearing in-to the mist...Swollowed up in the dark, sky...Drowned in the crystal water...

How my heart aches to be with you...

As a candle flickers, and, goes out...So did a part of my soul...Go out, and, die...

But, it won't be long un-till I see your face, a-gain, my love...My darling...

It comes for me, as well...





He slowly wakes up...
Facing another day...
Turning to the world, with a smile...
Inside fighting a battle just to survive, each second...

The world, A bitter-sweet reminder, of love lost, that cuts...Sharper than the knife that tears his skin...
Tears fall, un-wanted, ever as he wants to end it all..
The pain be-comes too much...

The second it takes him to decide to live, is one second that is needed to give him reason for an-other...
The people in his life, hurting him...
Thinking he's not worth it...

He doesn't realize how others see him...
He looks in-to the mirror, and, sees himself...Completley different...
But, I peer over his shoulder, and, see...
A man, looking back...
One who is strong enough to last these years, and, not give up...
One who can hold on...
One who is worth it...
I'm just glad to be...
A friend...


















4:42 PM 2 Comments(Add Comment) |2 Kudos Edit Remove


December 8, 2007 - Saturday
LEAVING..Again..
Current mood: blissful
I've been thinking. I'm ready to take a risk. To jump headlong into something wonderful. SO. ASAP..I will be leaving here, and, going to..Um. Another state, haha.

Lindsay..I am so sorry about last night. Please forgive me, and, now I will run away, and, hide forever.

Loraine..We'll talk..

Svetlana..YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY. Haha. I love you, so much. xx





1:40 PM 2 Comments(Add Comment) |2 Kudos Edit Remove


December 6, 2007 - Thursday
I Can No Longer Feel You There..
Current mood: cantankerous
Okay, so I was sitting in the bathroom listening to this one song, and, all of a sudden, I don't know how it happened, but, I was instantly taken back to the time and place that I was at emotionally two years ago, and, I was back in Loraine's apartment, walking to Plymouth from Saline, Outside of a drug house in Detroit, in Casey's yard, in her room, in her bed, in her arms, her in my arms. All of a sudden the pain...Came rushing back like so much at once, that I cannot handle it. All of the agony, the pain that takes you from the inside out, and, slowly twists and turns and pulls until it's a bloody mess and there's nothing that you can do but sit there and watch it happen. I can't take this, and, I know now that I never could. I just can't do this, and I burried it so far away from me that I felt only obessions and lust not love or at least I don't think so. I used to be so happy, and, it struck me that I can never go back. The innocence is lost, the pain is back. The pain that takes you away from yourself, and, you feel that you are going to die, and there's NOTHING THAT YOU CAN DO TO STOP IT. Nothing .Nothing. Ever. And, it grips you, and, it takes your soul from you.

I for some reason all of my lfie was born with the ability to love...Genuinely, from the heart, withought question. I went through my life super-sensitive to pain, both mine, and, others, and lived in a bubble of myself. Then Casey...I met Casey, and my bubble, my walls, my fears were broken, torn down, and, shattered. I loved her with a passion that does not exist for many people, and, the thing is that it was returned to me.

But, when she left me, I began to be what I am now. The three year process to becoming nothing at all. Nothing but a shell. And, up until now, tonight, this NIGHT, I have been pushing it away. I used to say that I couldn't live withought her, that this would eventually kill me. But, then through some miricle, I gently shoved it aside, and moved on with my life or so I thought. I moved on in the way that I could function if you want to call it that. The pain went away. It was always under the surface, and I knew that, but I didn't feel the consistant presence of the agony.

I wish that there were words to describe what pain is. What pain that I went through. The pain that never leaves. The pain that is consistantly binding you, dragging you down, tying you up, beating you, raping you, torturing you. Constantly. You smile for the sake of those that love you, you laugh for the same sake. You make yourself out to be not necessarily okay, but, living. Alive. Breathing, always aware that people love you, yet, sometime I just realize over and over, that it's just not enough to have people love you, because, it no longer has the power to reach the depths of your heart and soul, and, cannot even breach the surface, anymore.

The constant fear that you cannot control the pain, the constant panic that everyone will see, yet, a part of you begs, screams, longs, pleads, and, begs for someone...Anyone to hear you. For someone to see you. The person underneath that mask. The one that is dying. Slowly. Agonizingly, torturously. You function to live, yet, inside I stopped breathing a long time ago. But, your heart...It just won't stop beating. It goes on, and, with each beat it gets louder and louder and louder and LOUDER and it hurts so much. You become aware of each agonizing beat, and, hear it, feel it, and, with every beat, it bruises even more. Black and blue it becomes, until it starts getting bloody. Bloody, and messy, and yet it just won't stop. Won't break free. Won't let you go. It just won't let you go. It just won't stop.

You sit there every day, scared, alone, although surrounded by people that 'love' you, yet, isolated, and, you panic, yet are calm. You wish for death, yet, cannot do it. You pray for release, but, it's only temporary, even when you do get it. God, it just won't let you go. I cannot do this anymore.

I turned to God, I turned to Witchcraft, and, even Satan, and, still...Nothing helped ease this pain.

I moved to Auora, Illinois, met Sam, started a relationship, I did care about her, but, she fell for me so damn hard. I was looking for Casey, though.

Then I met Rob...He was in a drug house, and, I lived there with him on and off, and, then he dumped me for Helena, then fucked us both over, in the end.

I was with someone else, but, at the moment, I can't even remember who she was.

Then Lauren came along, and, we started a friendship/relationship based on role-playing, but, me being myself came and loved her, anyways. Even though I knew that it was all fucking fake. I saw Casey in her...But, that was the person that she was pretending to be. Then the real her came out, and, I do love her. I love her more than I could ever say in words. But, I don't want to hurt her. I want her in my life, but at the moment, I cannot feel anything but this pain. I reached out for someone, anything, and, found only air...I don't even feel love at this moment. Not for anyone. Not for nothing.

Then all along there was the girl who is my current girlfriend. She'd always been there for me, and, we'd dated a bit, before, during all of this shit, but, now..She's back in my life, and, I feel that I love her. But, do I know it? Yesh, yes, I do believe that I love her. I know it. But, something has changed, and, I don't know what it is, but, it scares me. And, I've broken up with her. And, now, I don't know if she'll forgive me. I've not been this emotionally scared shitless in an oh so very long time..I love you, baby..

I can't feel anything...Even this pain is not like it was, but, is now a consistant throb throb inside me, that borders on numbness, but in another way, is the most clarity that I have had in so long.

I cannot take this pain. It...Is killing me.

Please...Save me...Somebody.

I don't know if I can win this time...xXx...



1:29 AM 2 Comments(Add Comment) |3 Kudos Edit Remove


December 5, 2007 - Wednesday
Goodbye, Love..
Current mood: depressed
Alright. I've broken up with my girlfriend. Why? I man..I understand that what she is going through is horrible, and, bad, and, I would have done anything for that girl. Let me tell you, there's an amazing thing going on when I can love someone again, after all that I have been through. Casey..Samantha..Rob..And, then the fucking liar, Lauren. I really think that I was in love with her. Maybe still am, to a certain degree. There is no way that I should be able to love again. They all hurt me. Ended up horrible. Then I find this really good thing. This girl who is bright, lovely, intelligent, loving, kind..And, what happens? I fuck up. I fall in love with her. Then, I realize that she's still stuck in the same kind of mess that I was in three years ago with Casey.

And, I will not be anyone's rebound. EVER. EVER. I cannot do it, I simply cannot do it.

I am hurting, oh so very much, right now. I cannot stop crying. I just can't. But ,it had to be done. It's over. Forever. And, now I can die in peace, at some point. No transplant. No heart healing. Just me. Dead. As soon as my heart can arrange to turn on itself.

God, baby. I love you. Always, and, forever. You're always my darling girl. But, this is over, now. Forever.

Goodbye. xx



7:54 PM 6 Comments(Add Comment) |6 Kudos Edit Remove


December 5, 2007 - Wednesday
Leaving Michigan.
Current mood: betrayed
I'll be leaving.

Soon.

I'll make an extended blog today abuot why.

Tonight is the last night that I will be feeling like this.

xx

11:24 AM 5 Comments(Add Comment) |2 Kudos Edit Remove


December 4, 2007 - Tuesday
Once again, I cannot forgive myself. xx
Current mood: crushed
What can I say? I know that I have let everyone down, agian. There is no denying that, in any way, shape, or, form.

More importantly, I have let myself down, and, for that I have no reasonable answer, nor can I request forgiveness, because, that would be asking too much on the part of those that I love. But, they all want to give it to me, anyways. What have I done? Jesus, why are you forsaking me?? Then I hear Your voice, and, it sends me into peace, only shortlived. What can I do? I am oh so very confused.

As for my life..It appears to be over, again. I hate that. That feeling blows. I can't stop it, yet, what can I do?? I can only watch my life go by, as I see it, standing outside of my own body, and, screaming my head off. But, I never hear myself. I've never heard anything..Not really..

Plans that could be bad, are as follows:

Do nothing, and, end up dead.

Do something, and, end up dead.

Do not change anything about myself, and, my ways, and, end up dead.

Good things? I don't know. Get a job, get my life back. But, I think that I have to do that alone. I seem to be destined to be alone, because, all that I do is make others miserable.

This love that I have inside of me is burning me down. Burning, like a fire. That cannot be quenched. This is over. Now. It must end. It must stop. I cannot live like this anymore, but, I cannot change how I feel. God, forgive me, because, once agian, I cannot forgive myself. xx



5:43 PM 6 Comments(Add Comment) |8 Kudos Edit Remove


December 4, 2007 - Tuesday
Drunkenness.......AGAIN..Just Fucking Kill Me, And, Get It Over With..xx
Current mood: crappy
I fucked up, again ,big time..

I got drunk..I now have cuts all over myself, I have a bruise that could turn into something more on my shoulder..I fell into the fan, with my face..My face started bleeding, then my fingers did.

I started putting spells on the people that I love.

I said that someone that I care for will die within two months.

I tried to call my girlfriend, only to not be able to find the fucking phone when she called me back.

I punched Loraine. I swore at her.

I went to John's to get a light for my cigarette.

I knocked on Tom's door at 2 in the morning.

I tried to leave to get an airplane ticket to California..DRUNK, AND WALKING AROUND the street in the middle of the night. I apparently couldn't find my shoes, so I put Paul's shoes on, and, I went outside, and, started walking down the street.

Um. I was at that point going to Laura's.

I physically fought with Loraine.

I hexed the apartment.

I threatened to call the police on her, because, she slapped my face.

I HATE THE FUCKING POLICE.

Um..

I lost the lense for my glasses.

I sent a package of cigarettes flying into thin air.

This all happened in one fucking night.

And, that's only half of what I did, last night..

Kill me..xx

2:12 PM 3 Comments(Add Comment) |4 Kudos Edit Remove


December 2, 2007 - Sunday
I Just Want To Be Held..Just For A Little While..<33
Current mood: listless
I have the feeling that this entry is going to be one hell of a ride. So, buckle up, yo. I don't wanna be like this, anymore. When I was in rehab, I found God, again. Jesus..And, then I got out, and, I once again, feel like I'm free-falling two thousand feet below to a watery grave. There is nothing EXCEPT Jesus that can stop this, and, I do trust Him. I'm trying..So hard. But, it's so hard to feel Him near me, now. Being out here in the 'real world' has it's many advantages, but, apparently more dis, then ad..

I have warrants.

I am wanting to see Laura C. She just got out of jail, and, I am oh so very scared that she is going to start doing drugs, again, and, that would hurt me, as well as her. I really do not believe that she knows exactly just how very much that she means to me.

I'm so scared..I am so scared. Of myself. Of feeling like this. I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS. And, like my song says, I am so tired of fighting this. I can't fight anymore. I'm losing me. I miss me. I wanna just..End.

I don't know what to do. The pain is coming back. Strong. So, strong.

I can't handle this. What do you do when the only thing that you want, is bad for you?? It was taken away from me, once. The real thing. I need you. I need you, please..Pain..God, please...Omg.

My girlfriend left me..I held on..For them.

My Mother died..I held on..For them..

My Daddy met Rosita..I held on..For them..

Damnit, I don't want to do it for them, anymore, and, if I cannot do it for myself, where does that leave me??

There is no comfort, anymore. There is no breathing inside, again. Please, just let me go..

Go to hell. All of you. All of me.

I don't want to wake up, anymore.

Someone save me? But, I know that you won't..

My life ended long ago, my soul died ages ago, and, I have held on..

And, now it is finally time to let go..I think.. Gosh, I am oh so very confused.

But, I will not pretend, anymore. Not for you. Not for anyone. This is what I am. This is who I am. If any of you cannot handle it, then just..Go. Go, before it's too late.

I am oh so very tired of taking care of the girls that I love, only to have them backstab me..I can't handle it, anymore. Call me weak. Call me a fucking coward. I care not, anymore..

This is the end of me, now..

I just want to be held..Just for a little while..<33





6:00 PM 5 Comments(Add Comment) |8 Kudos Edit Remove


November 25, 2007 - Sunday
It Won’t Ever Stop..
Current mood: busy
Category: Romance and Relationships
Why hello..

God, it's been such a traumatizing year. I don't know where to begin, really. I've been through so much. It hurts just to think on it. I can't do this, here. I'm too close to it. Too close to myself. Too close to the girls who have hurt me. Too close and yet so far away from myself and all that I used to be as comparing it to the person that I need to be. Oh, God, will this ever stop?? The pain is not comforting, anymore, neither is the numbness anything but breath stopping. I am so scared, and, alone. Surrounded, yet isolated. Bombarded, but, alone. Make sense??



Here's some of my writing. Enjoy.

Underneath a cloudy sky I hide

From me

From you.

Will this never end? Whimpering softly I climb up to the highest mountain, and, cry.

In the deepest shadows I crawl, waiting for something to bleed dry. This blood-lust must be quelled. This thirst must be quenched.

Dying- I know that I am. I must be for what pain can be so great if not meant to leave me for dead in the Earth. Take this life of mine. Destroy what's left of me. For I have destroyed the good, long ago.

Now, I am left with my world, only this..Drowning in a dark watery grave.

.......................................................................................................................

Through my blinding rage

They don't get it, though they try in their own way.

They can't think of what to say, so they look away, hiding behind what they could never understand. Fake smiles line their faces, showing me only the emptiness reflected in my own.

Take me away from me.

Lead me away from myself.

Tell me a lie to soothe my soul.

Hurt me, girl, so I can suffer more.

For this is all that I know.

Tell me no truth, answer no righteous way.

Free me from the truth. Bind me to the lie.

As my fingers gingerly pick up the razor once more, the wounds that I inflict on myself sob for relief -

I wish for death.

Come and free me from this life, as the razor whispers the sweet comfort of the only truth that I have come to know.

'This is your freedom'.

........................................................................................................................

Standing on this rooftop, I look down, and, see the light of no more day. One leap will bring me the freedom that I so desire. And, this one leap. This one fall..IS my desire.

Laying on the floor, the razor in place on my wrist, my one last thought is a prayer for death. As I press down, the blood flows red, and, free, telling me the truth that is becoming a reality to me, slowly..I'll also be free, soon.

Holding this 44 to my head, I cry..Knowing that in this- my last two minutes on the Earth that noone will come for me. Even if they did. I'd turn them away.

I've always turned them away.





7:11 PM 0 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


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Last Updated: 2/16/2009

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Gender: Female
Status: Single
Age: 22
Sign: Cancer

City: Plymouth
State: Michigan
Country: US
Signup Date: 6/2/2005

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AchieveItOnline.com December 22, 2007 - Saturday
Goodbye, Again..
Current mood: betrayed
Last night was horrible..I was freaking out and crying, and, a wreck, I almost had a panick attack, the pain came up so fucking strong..

And, guess what? I found out who my real friends are..

Noone here.

They would have let me DIE rather than..Just do what I needed..How horrible is that?

Yes, everyone thinks that they know what I need.

Yes, everyone thinks that they know what I don't need..

It's funny, I was not asking them to buy my drugs..Or anything like that.

I feel so hurt..Betrayed..I can't stand this.

All I needed was that..

I'm still not okay.

I still need it.

Does anyone care?

NO.

And, the fact that they would let me sit there in pain like that, makes me want to never see them again..

And, now I won't.

I'm going home.

Tomorrow.

Forever lost now.

Thank you..For showing me what I really am.

A whore.

A worthless piece of junk/meat, that doesn't deserve to have her pain leave her even for a moment.

Because, when you live 24/7 with pain so great that you want to die..

Even the few hours from that..Is worth everything.

I've been betrayed.

For the last time..

Goodbye.

11:59 AM 4 Comments(Add Comment) |4 Kudos Edit Remove


December 21, 2007 - Friday
Fuck Me..
Current mood: catalyzed
I am so fucking sick right now.

I don't know what to do.

I know that I already made a topic, but, this is about being sick..

I don't want to do drugs..Well, that's a fucking lie..

I can't stop this, and, I'm losing everyone close to me, again.

I DON'T WANT TO DIE INSIDE AGAIN.

Fuck.

I was a walking dead person, before. I feel it happening, again.

Please..What can I do?

Fuck me,. I cannot do this, anymore.

5:37 PM 0 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


December 20, 2007 - Thursday
The choice is yours..xx
Current mood: blah
There is nothing that I can do, anymore.

I can feel myself slipping away. Slipping away from my friends, slipping away from my family, slipping away from my girlfriend..Slipping away from myself..And, I am powerless to stop it..Right?

I mean, honestly, how can one help what one feels? If that were possible, we'd all be well, instead of the fucked up humanity that entails us..

I can't stay this way, anymore..Yet, I do not know how to change, and, have yet to find one person who would sit with me forever, just to teach me how to accept love. I can give it just fine..But, recieving it, is fucked up in it's absoloutley inablilty to feel it, or, let someone give it to me.

I'm not worth it.

I'm stupid.

I'm worthless.

I'm ignorant of so many things.

These are the voices in my head:

You're worthless

Nobody could love you

Who would want you?

God, you're ugly

Fat

SICKENING

Disgusting

Low life

Dirt

Baggage

Who would want you, you're fucking pathetic ass isn't worth shit to anyone, so fuck off with those good thoughts of how someone loves you. YOU'RE NOTHING YOU SHOULDHAVE NEVER BEEN BORN, GODHATES YOU YOU'RE FUCKING STUPID GO SUCK COCK.

Yes..Those are but a few of the many but constant thoughts that invade my head every day, infecting my brain with an unnamed disease, unknown to any but me, not understood in it's reality by any..Even me..

I know that you all WANT to understand..WANT to help me..But, it's over..My life..Is defeated..Once again..

You know, I always say that Ashley was the reason that I left rehab, but, in my soul, and, heart, I always knew that the reason was because I know that I am not ready..I am not broken enough, even though my heart is breaking/broken..I am devastated by my life, by my feelings, by my thoughts..

I cannot stand this pain another minute, yet, am powerless to make it stop.

I don't know what to do.

I cannot ask you to help me, for you would not know what to do.

Hell, I don't know what to tell you to do.

I just know that inside of me..There is a dying happening, right now..

Every time you look into my eyes, I am dying..

Every time I answer the phone, I am dying..

Every time I put your hand in mine..I am dying..

Every time that my lips meet yours..I am dying..

And, you don't evven see it..Don't sense it. You all who I thought were my everything.



Don't be fucking pussy's yo..Talk straight up to me..I can take it like a man..

I always have..

Hehe..

Please, someone...Just.Either say the words that I need to hear..Or turn around, and, walk away..Forever..

The choice is yours. x

2:34 PM 3 Comments(Add Comment) |4 Kudos Edit Remove


December 20, 2007 - Thursday
Goodbye.
Current mood: betrayed
I am so angry right now that I could spit. Does it not occur to anyone that I hate sitting here all alone? Does it not occur to anyone that some of the people in my life are selfish, mean, self serving, assholes? Let me tell you..When I have cash, I fucking spend it like a motherfucker if I'm out with someone that I know..I spend it on them..ALWAYS thinking about myself last..

And, when it's the other way around..HELL NO.

Fuck you.

And, Lindsay, if you read this, that is not meant for you..

I am just sick of this. I'm leaving..RIGHT NOW.

I am not staying here, another minute.

This is fucking bullshit. I have done so much for so many people, and, I've never complained..Not once.

And, just once, when I cannot afford to be alone..That's when they all desert me. Everyone is constantly in my faceeee when I don't want to see anyone..But, when I really need them to be around..They all just go la la la la la la, and, run off to have their little fun.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

You all can go to hell for all that I care.

And, I feel that I am losing control, of myself, again..

I'd rather be dead than let that happen, damnit.

I hate you.

I hate me.

Fuck you.

Fuck me.



Goodbye.

10:18 AM 4 Comments(Add Comment) |2 Kudos Edit Remove


December 17, 2007 - Monday
New Blog Shit Thing..
Current mood: ashamed
I don't know what to do, anymore. It's like the life is slowly being sucked out of me, and, once again, I am powerless to stop it. Yes, so I fucking left rehab. Get over it. I am so sick and tired of people telling me what to do..Telling me how to live my fucking life because they think that I cannot handle myself. Well, they are right..Guess what? THEY ARE RIGHT. So what? That doesn't give anyone the right to boss me around. Yes, I cannot handle myself..Yes, I am slowly losing myself, again. Yes, I am losing God faster that I ever thought that I would this time..

There was an obvious change inside of me when I left that place in Evansville Indiana..Teen Challenge..I was so incredibly different..I was changed..Why did it go away? It wasn't the drugs, because, I only did that two days ago. It was heavenly,. but, now my stomache is cramping up..I want to die..AGAIN. I just want to cut, and, not let anything stop me. But, I can't.

There is no way to like..Stop myself. Or this. Or that..I can't see anymore, in front of this moment. And, that scares me. I want to go back. Oh, god, I'd do anything to go back..And, I can't, and, that scares me more.

If I ever really dealt with this shit, I'd die..I'd go insane..Completely mental, and, yeah..

And, I feel oh so very alone..

I mean, you all can say that you love me, you all can say that you understand, but, you really do not. You never could..And, sometimes I'm not really sure that you would if you could. It is called fear, and, I see it each, and, every time that I look into your eyes, I see it..You need to either deal with it, or get out of my fucking face, and, life, forever..



10:57 PM 3 Comments(Add Comment) |4 Kudos Edit Remove


December 17, 2007 - Monday
hasrdyhahahaeg
Current mood: bitchy
I am really angry today. I mean the rage kind of angry..

I keep trying to explain it away, but, the real reason is that I smoked my shit 2 days agp. amd, watched my girl Laura do other shit too, and what I did..I have to help her. She just called me and I cannot let her die..I won't watch something happen to her, again..

I know that it's why I am so fucking crabby, and, angry. I'm treating people like shit. And, seeing Rock the other night, with Laura and Anthony when we went down..It was just all so emotional for me. Going to Junes in the dark..I don't know what to do..Having them recognize me and be like ;hey girl you alright??

HELL NO IM NOT ALRIGHT...

I was wrong..Doing a little bit does not help me.

Lauraaaaaaa. God, I love you. I'm so sorry..

I got drunk at her house the other night..Had so much fun..Then we kinda umm....yeahhhhhhhh...Haha. Own it, yo..xx



Sveta..........You don't understand, and, you really won't let me explain..

If you're ready..I will tell you everything.

I love you. More than you will ever realize, babygirl. xx



4:43 PM 4 Comments(Add Comment) |4 Kudos Edit Remove


December 14, 2007 - Friday
More Poetry..
'My World'...

Under-neath my silent expressionless face there is a world filled with dark shadows and misty forebodings...

A place, isolated and full of dark magic, twisted to disquise my unrequited pain...

These longings of mine enthrone my shattered existance, as the ashy vapor of smoke covers my soul, damp, dark, cold...

Shivers creep through my back, following a shallow, yet oh so deep trail down my out-stretched arms in-to my waiting and expectant fingers...

My closed eyes open and lock onto you in a demon like death-vise. Trying desperately to avert your eyes, you find yourself somehow irresistably drawn to me...

Wisps of mist flow from my finger-tips slowly towards you. My eyes still remain locked straight ahead, my dark hair, flowing, long and free, billowing out to frame my ghostly features...

Shadows in ghostlike form swarm, vine-like, around my being...
As you look at me, I change before your eyes, just for a split second. Only a fraction of a moment you can see the blood...

My eyes are red with it...Flowing from them down my cheeks...Down my neck...Down my naked form...You see the fire, the knife, you hear the screams...

But, a second late it is gone; as a whisper...
Your vision clears and you see me as I was but a moment ago...

My eyes flicker for a moment, only to be locked back in place by an unseen force...

A morbid longing comes over you to touch me...Feel me...My eyes like daggers seem to warn you not to cross the line you now stand on, or there will be no turning back...

Hesitantly you reach towards me...Tentatively brushing your fingertips lightly across my skin...In that second the flames begin to come...Scorching, burning, destroying you...Screaming, you suddenly dissapear, swiftly as you came...

My burning endless eyes, longing for release, never to free me...The chills once again ravage my being...The blood flows like water...Finally it stops...All is still...

My hands drop to my sides. All seems to be finished.

But, to those who really understand this world...My world...It is they who know the truth...It never stops...This morbidly enchanting place remains in bondage to our souls...For eternity...

And, my eyes...Burning, lustful, passionate, tortured, are forever frozen, locked onto you...Probing into your very soul...

If you can't feel it, only look into my eyes...Deeper...Deeper...

The chill begins...





.. type=text/javascript>.. google_ad_client = "pub-9066369209837708"; google_ad_width = 120; google_ad_height = 240; google_ad_format = "120x240_as"; google_ad_type = "text_image"; google_ad_channel ="2802052065"; google_color_border = "FFFFFF"; google_color_bg = "FFFFFF"; google_color_link = "990000"; google_color_url = "990000"; google_color_text = "333333"; //-->..> .. src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js" type=text/javascript> ..> <[[iframe]] name=google_ads_frame marginWidth=0 marginHeight=0 src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/ads?client=ca-pub-9066369209837708&dt=1197662625640&lmt=1197662625&format=120x240_as&output=html&correlator=1197662625640&channel=2802052065&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.golivewire.com%2Fforums%2Fpeer-sbeie-support-a.html&color_bg=FFFFFF&color_text=333333&color_link=990000&color_url=990000&color_border=FFFFFF&ad_type=text_image&ref=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.golivewire.com%2Fforums%2Fmyposts.cgi%3Faction%3D5700%26show%3D120%26zone%3D%26sort%3DDESC%26range%3D%26content%3D%26orderby%3D%26slimit%3D%26h%3D%26ps%3D%26qu%3D&cc=100&ga_vid=856163927.1197662626&ga_sid=1197662626&ga_hid=715921561&flash=9&u_h=768&u_w=1024&u_ah=738&u_aw=1024&u_cd=32&u_tz=-300&u_his=93&u_java=true" frameBorder=0 width=120 scrolling=no height=240 allowTransparency>I'm Not alive inside anymore...
Come take this pain from me...
Let it flow like a rive down your arms...

Open up your eyes and see...
All the times I tried to tell you...
This is all that you have left of me...

Don't turn your back on me...
Face me and see my eyes...
Look upon what you've done...

My arms will bleed because of you...
My eyes will glisten with these tears...
My lips curse your very life...

Don't look at me...
What I've become...
Yes, it remains your doing...

But, I want to make a difference...
Even in this moment...

The red is getting thicker now...
I'm almost there...
God don't let this stop...
Set me free...

I love you...

My heart will stop tonight...




I'm losing my mind
I've lost my sight
I can't feel you anymore

I stare out into the inky blackness
Wishing you here next to me
Wondering where you are now that you left
Telling myself that you will come back to me

Falling raindrops tell my tale
Voices amongst the trees ghostly whispering my name
Calling to me...'Come with us'

Oh, how I long to be one with them
How I wish they could fly me to you
Back into your embrace

As I take this knife and drag it softly along my skin
I pray that the crimson stream will take me to you
Take me away from the lonliness ever present
The agony welling up to scream within my soul
My heart shattering before my eyes

As the blood drips from my body
My tears begin to fall
Faster and faster my hand weilds the knife
My instrument of death destruction and freedom

I love you so much
I never wanted us to end like this
Please come back and tel me that I'm gonna be fine

As I slash the blade
Wherever you are
I know you are feeling it too
Deep inside you I saw you look up
Flinch...Scream 'NO'...

Look away from this sight, darling
Forget what you see here, love

I loved you until my last breath

For now and all of eternity
I remain
Forever yours







Every day I fight this battle.
From the inside out, it rages.
First in the mind, then straight to the heart.
It spreads like the deadliest poison.


Every night this torture overtakes me.
Like sailing in a leaking ship on a deserted ocean.
The rain pours in and just when the boat is about to sink...As if in a dream-You are safe, again. But, this safety is dangerous.

Every second I wait in agony unspeakable for you to return.
Scared to move on, scared to stay in one place.
The only remaining soloution is emotional exile.
You look at me, and see only my angry revenge, therefore you turn away in disgust.

But, you forget to look when the sun goes down.

There, you would see a child, bent to the ground. Eyes streaming. Heart broken. This is what you have done to me.


So, when you ignore my existance for the evil I now place upon you...Don't forget to see behind my eyes. The pain would overtake you. Make you remember, and caress you.


Forgive me, darling. I love you so much. This pain-This dark twisted evil that I am placing on your soul...It will destroy us both. Yot, in that final moment of destruction...Our pasts together will join again...In peace...In love...Set free to be one, once more...

forever...





These people
This world

Too afraid to say what everyone already sees...
Lost in the dark of night...
Swaying on the edge of this pain...
I'm about to lose control.
Take the light from my eyes, and hand me the razor in its place.
They say it's bad, but it's the only thing that's

real...


As I stand here, alone, tonight
Even the stars seem to fall from the invincible sky
My glittering weapon works its damaging wonder
And, I suddenly realize...I'm free...
They say that I'm crazy but...What they don't know...

Can kill...


My words are meaningless to them
Your eyes look right past me
And, you think I'm just 'in a phase'...
But, while you pass me by
The wounds I hide...


Will bleed...


Laying on this cold ground, tonight
I stare at what once was my soul
Torn to pieces-My heart...
And, you just-Stand there, and try to pretend you don't...

See me cry...


My pain is over, now but if you think life is so great...
And, are content to live
With smiles and silly laughter...You will soon learn that it's all pointless, anyhow...

Don't worry, darling...


Your time will come...






I Stare In-to the water.
It's balmy depth spring up to shimmer over me...

You used to be like that water.

Strong enough to keep me alive, and, yet, deep enough to kill me.

And, now...As I gaze into your eyes.
I see what you wanted to hide, all along.
All of your fears, in desperation, you cling to them.

Memories surface, as the air bubbles on the crystal water.

I see you...The way that it used to be...Now, it's changed.

I stare in-to the night sky.
It's black wonder, blanched by the lacy stars, bathing me in light.

You were always like that sky.
Sparkling, bright enough to let me know that you loved me...Yet, dark, and, mysterious enough to keep me wondering.

And, now, as I take your hand in mine, I see what has happened to you.

All of your hopes, with abandon, you have forsaken them.

And, I...Am left here, as you silently slip away.

As I look you in the eyes...I sink in-to them, as a mirage, begging you not to leave me.

As mutual tears fill our eyes, you slowly, release...And, let my hand fall to my side.

Backing away, slowly, you brush your lips a-gainst mine, soft as rose petals.

As you look lovingly at me, I blink, and, as my eyes open, you are gone...Dissapearing into the mist...Swollowed up in the dark, sky. Drowned in the crystal water...

How my heart aches to be with you...

As a candle flickers, and, goes out...So did a part of my soul...Go out, and, die.

But, it won't be long un-till I see your face, a-gain, my love...My darling.

It comes for me, as well...



Running into this wall again, I stand before you, now.
How many more times can this happen?
There is so much in this life that cannot be explained in words, yet, just one look, a word, a whisper can erase the doubts, and fear.

Stumbling in the dark, trying to see the light, I remember the time when nothing else mattered but you.
And I..
I can see what has happened here, so clearly.
What more can be done to make it right?
As I look into your eyes, I see once more, the rampant diseased pain that has left its mark.
Look up to the moon now. Let it soak into you, and soothe your troubled soul.

Falling to my knees, again, I find one more reason to give up in this darkness.
I want nothing more than to let this painful memory escape from my mind, seep from my soul, as the crimson drops begin to flow..Dark, red and free.
I stand again, but you push me back down, not letting me go.
Your hands grip my arm in your painful grasp, as I beg you not to do this, again.
You smile down at me, and then sneer 'why not? you know you want it'.
And, so I remain, unable to stop this, unwilling to make it go away.

Lying on the dark forest floor, only the moon as my comfort, I feel the tears begin to slip from my eyes.
I have nothing left now, but you. Only you, in my dreams. I try to move, but my eyes seem to be glazed, and, my limbs won't move. What is happening here? Am I really dying? I feel my body rise up, but wait. I see you then. The one from my dreams. Walking towards me, willing me to come closer.

I stand amazed, the vision does not cease. You take my hand, look me in the eyes, and, heal the wounds that noone has ever seen.
I've found a purpose now. In this frail life, nothing is wrong, nothing is right, only this. I wait for you to leave, but you don't. I tell you that I'm sure you're not going to stay, you must have someone else waiting for you. You only smile and tell me that there is noone else. You've come to stay in my heart. I look away, for a split second, and, you are gone. I look down and a lone rose is left behind. But, I feel you inside me, now.

Gazing slowly up at the moon, with my new eyes, I begin to smile.
I smile for the one whom I love.
The one who saved me.
The one who saw what noone else has seen in me.
Only you.
I press the rose to my heart, and slowly walk away.

We will meet, again..









3:03 PM 1 Comments(Add Comment) |2 Kudos Edit Remove


December 10, 2007 - Monday
sadg
Current mood: crazy
I am not talking to anyone, anymore. I'll be deleting my MySpace, shortly.
1:39 AM 2 Comments(Add Comment) |2 Kudos Edit Remove


December 9, 2007 - Sunday
New Blog, From Hell..
Current mood: angsty
I don't know, anymore. There's nothing left inside of me. There used to be. Oh, god, what have I done?

With Casey, when she left me, I cut off my loooong BLOND hair..I dyed it black. I took off my preppy clothes, and, started dressing like fucking Darth Vader. Well, no..Just like the Vampire in me would. I was broken. Broken, in a way that I never thought that I could be.

Now..What am I? I'm not even in the middle, anymore..Not even left with anything that I can give..But, it won't stop.

I see her in my head, sometime. She's like fucking half an hour away. I have sabotaged her love life, OH SO many times. Now, I've let it go.

Jesus, what have I become? A shell. An empty, selfish shell, not worth anything to anybody.

AND, DON'T GO TELLING ME THAT YOU LOVE ME.

I don't want to hear it, anymore. There is nothing left, can you people get that through your fucking heads? I AM DEAD INSIDE. AND, I'M NEVER COMING BACK..

I'm gone. From me, from you. From it all. From life. It's over. Me, You, World..No more.

Babygirl, I'm not talking about you there, so don't go ballistic, on my ass. I love you, and, you know that.

But, there's nothing left inside of me, anymore. Except the Vamp. The one who looks through your soul, yet, you cannot ever ever see...Not see me. Not see the person that's fucking dying inside underneath.

I can't be what anyone wants or needs anymore, IRREGARDLESS of what you say..ANY of you.

Sometimes, I want to tell you all to just leave me alone. Because, if you did, I know then that I cannot hold myself down, anymore. THERE'S NOTHING. Nothing that will stop me from ending this pain. Once and for all.

My life means nothing.

As my profile song says 'I break in two over you, and, each piece of me dies.'

Noone can understand that I am just not made for this life, anymore.

My sweet, innocent, self is GONE FOREVER.

I have fucked people for drugs..I have fucked people, and, NOT gotten the drugs. I have fucked and been fucked. And, god, it's disgusting. My life..Me. This planet. WE ARE ALL DOOMED. You are doomed.

I don't want anything to do with anyone, and, yet, inside of m heart, I can hear the echoes of a lie being born. Because, I need you. I need you so much. I just am so scared that you're going to hurt me. Hurt me like she did. Hurt me like no other ever has. But, yet, happens every day.

I can't hold on, anymore.

I have love. That's what's left. An unstoppable love..The only pure thing about me. Besides my blood.

And..it's time..Time to go back..Time to leave the arms of this world, and, return to what I was born for. Death. Time, and, time again.

You don't need me.

If you only knew what I have been through the past almost 2 years. You couldn't walk a mile in my shoes, let alone that long.

By 'you' here, I mean any of you.

It's time.





2:49 PM 3 Comments(Add Comment) |6 Kudos Edit Remove


December 9, 2007 - Sunday
Something Worthwile That I’ve Written About A Certain Girl..You Know Who You Are..
Current mood: curious
This is so hard to do when all I want is to know the curves of your body like braille. I want to lose my sight and listen for the beating of your heart to lead me to the places I should go. I want to listen for the words that you pause before when you speak, watch you and understand how long it takes you to say something after thinking about it. I want to watch the way your fingers move and curve and punch the keys when you type to me. I want to know each little detail that is changed through the cords and electrical charges of the telephone, how your voice changes every time. I want to know how you smoke and what you smoke and why. I want to know how well your hands fit over my hips and cup my body, how your skin feels up against mine.

Tell me what you want to be, what you've been, what you are. Your favourite coffee shop, your favourite blend, how much you'd pay to be alright and where you'd go if you had wings for flight. Let me pick out everything that is wrong on your fake ID from the way it does no justice to your face to the way you still look good through the laminate. I want to know how well your hands grip onto the coffee mug and why. Is it tight because you are afraid? Is it loose because you've stopped caring?

I want to learn what things make you laugh, what things make you smirk, what things make you frown, what things make you cry. I want to know what it is like to cradle you and let you know it's going to be okay, it's going to be okay, we're all going to be okay after all. I want to know where you hold your steering wheel, is it 12 and 8 or 10 and 2? Do you set your clocks ahead so you'll never be left behind? What are you afraid of? Who do you think you are? Which fingernails do you paint first and how would that color look against my skin? Are you gentle or are you rough? I want to learn, let me learn.

I want to know what it feels like to wait for you, what I think about when I do. Am I anxious? Am I afraid you are never going to come? Do I think of every second as something new to fear? I want to watch your reactions when the plane gets off the ground, I want to know what you order and if you'd like to meet me in the air plane rest room during the flight some time.

What would I think, rolling over in the morning to see your face? What would that be like for the both of us? Where would you take me to be, where would I take you? I want to know what we'd be together, what we'd do. What do you order at sushi bars and can I get the same thing? Can we get drunk off of liquor and drunk off of each other and will you buy me a pack of cigarettes so I can stop this? So I can ease off of you and on to something else? Will you buy me nicotine patches so I can stop? Do you care enough for that?

There is so much I want to know like how far down you bite on your pens when you write, and what you think about when you do. I want to know how you kiss, how you taste, how soft your lips are and how the hair stands up on the back of your neck when you do.

What songs make you hollow and can we listen to them so I can make you complete? Can we lie on the hardwood floor and turn them up and feel the notes rush through our bodies? Can we hold hands and pretend as though we are chanelling an energy that is a secret reserved for the both of us?

I want to know how good it feels to feel you, how my heart skips a beat when you agree with me, how every exclamation mark lights up one of my cells like a christmas light. I want to know what it feels like to have you raging through me like a fire, setting ablaze every doubt in my mind about how you and I were meant to be.


I want to learn what it is like to love you, to lose you, to have you want me back and to know what it is like to both be sorry, both be in love, both need and want and have each other. To know what it's like to not be able to take my eyes off of you. I want to know how well your hand fits inside of mine, how often we'll have to let go to wipe off the heat and if you think that is too long to be apart as well.

This is hard because there is still so much I want to know about you.

2:40 PM 1 Comments(Add Comment) |2 Kudos Edit Remove


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Last Updated: 2/16/2009

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Gender: Female
Status: Single
Age: 22
Sign: Cancer

City: Plymouth
State: Michigan
Country: US
Signup Date: 6/2/2005

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Latinwomensite.com January 11, 2008 - Friday
I’m A Cutter..I’m not a stranger..No, I am yours..
Current mood: blank
I did it again last night..

Everyone thinks that I've stopped..

I have never felt any physical pain that is greater than the emotional pain that I live with every single day..

And, over and over again, I hear from the voices:

'Cutter!'

'Stupid little girl'

'Kill yourself.'.

'Unloved'

'Whore!'

'Die, bitch'.

'Freak'.

'Slut'.

Pain is all that I know, now..

What did you think that my bracelets were for?

Never let them see me cry..

Never..

Tonight..

This is the only way out..

I love you.





8:05 PM 8 Comments(Add Comment) |4 Kudos Edit Remove


January 9, 2008 - Wednesday
You’re the one who cries when you’re alone..
Current mood: crushed
I fucked up.

BAD.

I have probably forever broken the trust of my girlfriend, and, therefore made it impossible to fix.

I just want you to understand something, before you call it quits..

I did what I did..Because, I was terrified of losing you. I love you so much, and, I'm crying right fucking now..Shit. I love you, and, I just..Don't want to lose you, and, I thought that I was..I was scared that I was going to lose you, and, I just..Snapped, I guess.

I wanted to make sure that if you left me, it was on my terms, and, that I was prepared for it, you know??

Not once did I think about getting rid of you.

Why would I get rid of the only person who stops me from becoming nothing at all?

The only person that I love?

The one that I want to marry?

The one that I want to spend the rest of my life with??

I love you.

I am so sorry, and, I'm not asking for you to forgive me, because, you probably cannot.

Just..Remember that I LOVE you.

Always, and, forever. x



4:41 AM 2 Comments(Add Comment) |2 Kudos Edit Remove


January 8, 2008 - Tuesday
We are the youth of the nation..
Current mood: lonely
Meh. My thoughts in as random as I could find.

I'm so over you, yet your so inside me. Why won't you let me go?

I'm back, in case it's feasible that anyone noticed.

I met a gay Nina and Casey at that place in New York. It's like I CAN'T GET AWAY!

My life is being festinately changed, and I'm not sure how to keep up.

I don't want to be a foist anymore. I just wish my memories to sink to the ground, ya know?

Maybe now that I am home, everything will be ok. I'm in Michigan now..



That will be the death of me..


See what I mean? My life is expeditiously changing every single minisecond, and I am the one doing it.

*Shakes head*

Silly little girl, I am.




You came into my life
As quickly as you left.
You grabbed a cutting knife
And sliced right through my heart.

You didn't mean to hurt me
But what did you expect?

My heart now cut in two
It feels beyond repair.
Injury done by you
God, life just isn't fair.

You didn't mean to hurt me
But what did you expect?

So here we are, just friends,
But I long to be more.
Throbbing from my core
Desire with no end



Yesterday's goals, dim memories.
Dark saddened eyes, blurring with tears.
Painful scars borne; Love's history.
Futures crumble when doubt appears.

No brightly lit hope envisioned,
When following after harsh words.
Hurt soul splits in twain, partitioned.
Swooned by appeal - when numbness lured.

Apologies made, never bought.
Price paid turned out far too costly.
Though never known what would be wrought -
Must walk into the night softly.

One wish, only to be released.
Granted - now receive this token.
Words written in rhyme, love's deceased.
When promises made . . . were broken.


You would think by now, I would know my way around,
I shouldn't miss you so badly
I should be on familiar ground.
How many more lonely years must meander by
until I learn the lesson
it does no good to cry.
What manner of iron will, must some people possess
to be always looking forward
to never accept regress.
Perhaps if I was willing to let someone take me by the hand
they could show me a happy place, in this unfamiliar land.
Perhaps I'm only homesick, for all the joys that once were mine,

I must accept that they and you, belong to another place and time.

But I know that deep within my heart, there's a place where only you reside,
and when the pain of loneliness comes, it knows that is where I hide.
So if sometimes it seems to you, I'm clinging to the past,
it's mostly because I can't yet accept, that our love didn't last.

No matter how hard I try, I've yet to get over you,
for the part of me that's still alive, believes you love me too.

Maybe there will come a day, when that part will finally die,
and feeling strong with a heart reborn, a new love I will finally try.
And what a splendid day that will be, when I awaken to discover

A new love

4:06 PM 2 Comments(Add Comment) |2 Kudos Edit Remove


January 7, 2008 - Monday
From one scarred hand to the other..
Current mood: sad
I can't do this, anymore.

I feel like everything is falling apart, but, withought the pain..

I can't feel anymore, and, that's scary in it's own rite..

Six months I stayed in Oklahome waiting for HURTING SO BADLY over Lauren.



Noone can ever really know what Lauren has put me through in the last two years..



I'd rather be dead than not feel and I cannot feel anymore..I don't have that pain, to connect with and tell me that I am alive..



I need the pain, to leave me alive..To know that I am alive..To feel.



If it wasn't for Lauren Bertsch NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED..

I wouldn't be depressed, I wouldn't be suicidal, I wouldn't HAVE ANY OF THESE PROBLEMS..

At least not to the degree that I do..

I hate myself, I wish that I was dead.

It's the end of me.

Because I say so.

I can't stand another minute of this painless pain.

I love you, Svetlana.

Baby, I'll love you until the end of this age, and, beyond.

Jesus, please recieve me, and, don't turn me away, please.

I can't deal with this life withought you..

You are the one thing that..Stayed there no matter what, and, wouldn't leave me alone, even when I wanted you to..

Even when I tried to sell my soul to the Devil.

You hung onto me, and, I wasn't hanging on to You..

Forgive me..

I love you, forever. x

9:52 PM 1 Comments(Add Comment) |2 Kudos Edit Remove


January 5, 2008 - Saturday
I feel like I’m just one mistake away from You leaving me this way
Current mood: cold
I feel like the inside of my stomache is twisting until it will come out.



I wish that I was dead.

I know where I am supposed to be, and, I am fighting it with all that is in me.

I am a drug addict.

I know that.

I am a blood junkie as some may call it.

I am starting to go back to how I used to be in some ways, and, watching 'Spun' at the moment is not helping.

I love you.

I hate myself.

I can't stop feeling so empty.

I am empty.

I need to be filled up, once more.

I need the fire.

The screams, even.

I just need.

Love.

But, love is such a twisted thing in my life right now.

Love equals lust in some ways.

I don't know.

I don't want to be where God found me.

I feel like I'm just one mistake away from Him leaving me this way.

Jesus, if you're really there..Show me what to do.

Or else I will die, this time.

Please...

Show me what to do.



4:59 PM 2 Comments(Add Comment) |2 Kudos Edit Remove


December 31, 2007 - Monday
GOODBYE
Current mood: contemplative
I am going to make one final phone call.

To Rock.

I'm going to get myself enough h.

Tonight is final bye bye for this MySpace.

Goodbye.

4:13 PM 1 Comments(Add Comment) |2 Kudos Edit Remove


December 30, 2007 - Sunday
Police..Here I come..
Current mood: luminous
Category: Romance and Relationships
I'm turning myself in..

I'm nothing but a fool.

I fucked myself over.

I've always been so good at punishing everyone else..

This is my punishment, now..

The sun may be setting on my life..But, at least I knew....Her..

I love you.

Always, and, forever.

And, now I have lost you, forever, as well.

I hate myself, please forgive me, someday, although I know that you can't.

Goodbye. xx





3:46 AM 1 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


December 25, 2007 - Tuesday
This is fucking BULLSHIT..
Current mood: indignant
This Christmas, I'm sitting here alone. It's horrible.

My parents said that they'd only come here if I turned myself into the police the day after Christmas..

I was like 'Do you realize that I'd be in jail?'

They don't care..

Everyone else is gone..

I feel like crying.

They don't realize just how much they have hurt me, now.

I really didn't think that they could do that any more than they already have..

But, they've outdid themselves, this time.

I just talked to my dad on the phone, and, my mother was crying, and, he won't let her come here, no matter that I've been talking to him every morning for weeks, and, he promised, and, promised that he'd come here no matter what unless it was snowing, which it is not..

All that he had to say for himself was 'I'm sorry'. I cried, and, cried on the phone to him, and, he didn't fucking seem to give two shits..

He has a headache? SO WHAT?

Omg. I live every single second of every single goddamned day in pain, and, I'm still alive..

God, what's wrong with me?

Why the hell doesn't he want me anymore? ?

I want my daddy back.

xx



3:26 PM 2 Comments(Add Comment) |2 Kudos Edit Remove


December 25, 2007 - Tuesday
fuck this
Current mood: melancholy
in 2004

i tried to kill myself

on christmas day

id forgotten all about it

until now

why is this happening again.

fuck
1:50 AM 3 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


December 22, 2007 - Saturday
ashafdh
Current mood: cultured
The damage is done..

I can't cry it all away..

Maybe I'm just a lonley girl who's in the middle of something that she doesn't really understand..

Please, listen..

Why is everyone pretending?

We're the kids that feel like dead ends..

Lost in dreaming..

But, for every dream, there is a nightmare..

For every cure, there is a disease..

My whole existance is flawed..

I want a fairy tale that doesn't go away in a year and a half..

I'm damaged..

I'm still scared..

I'm still alone..

I don't want to pay any longer for being abused..I've paid enough..

Purity is lost to me..

I can still feel you..

I would do anything to feel whole again..

Not trapped..

Not ashamed..

I still remember..EVERYTHING..

Feel the silence..It kills..

I can barely survive a night in my mind..

I'm patiently waiting for the day that I find my voice..

And, my death..

Oh, I cannot go back, why can't I go back??

I miss the way that summertime used to feel..

Sometimes the hardest thing, and, the right thing are the same thing..

I have to speak my mind, even if my voice shakes..

I can't be afraid..

Anymore..

Life goes on..

With, or, withought me, in it..

I can't look back, I can never go back..
2:11 PM 1 Comments(Add Comment) |2 Kudos Edit Remove


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Last Updated: 2/16/2009

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Gender: Female
Status: Single
Age: 22
Sign: Cancer

City: Plymouth
State: Michigan
Country: US
Signup Date: 6/2/2005

Blog Archive
[Older Newer]
Jan Feb Mar Apr May Jun Jul Aug Sep Oct Nov Dec / 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 / 1981 1982 1983 1984 1985 1986 1987 1988 1989 1990 1991 1992 1993 1994 1995 1996 1997 1998 1999 2000 2001 2002 2003 2004 2005 2006 2007 2008 2009 2010 2011 2012 2013 2014 2015 2016 2017 2018 2019 2020 2021 2022 2023 2024 2025 2026 2027 2028 2029 2030 2031 2032 2033 2034 2035 2036 2037 2038 2039 2040 2041 2042 2043 2044 2045 2046 2047 2048 2049 2050 2051 2052 2053 2054 2055 2056 2057 2058 2059 2060 2061 2062 2063 2064 2065 2066 2067 2068 2069 2070 2071 2072 2073 2074 2075 2076 2077 2078 2079 2080 2081 2082 2083 2084 2085 2086 2087 2088 2089 2090 2091 2092 2093 2094 2095 2096 2097 2098 2099


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soapnet.go.com January 25, 2008 - Friday
Death Is In My Blood.. xx
Current mood: bummed
I'm no longer afraid to die, but, there's a huge difference beteween walking up to Chilie, and, sasying, okay rape me, make me suck your ugly cock AGAIN, kill me, see what happens.

A huge difference between that and, killing onesself.



Svetlana..I miss you, baby.

Fuck me, I am so motherfucking sorry. x


6:54 PM 0 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


January 25, 2008 - Friday
Death Is In My Blood.. xx
Current mood: bummed
I'm no longer afraid to die, but, there's a huge difference beteween walking up to Chilie, and, sasying, okay rape me, make me suck your ugly cock AGAIN, kill me, see what happens.

A huge difference between that and, killing onesself.



Svetlana..I miss you, baby.

Fuck me, I am so motherfucking sorry. x


6:54 PM 0 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


January 25, 2008 - Friday
Don’t Worry..I’ll Be Fine..Just Let Me Slit My Wrists One Last Time..xx
Current mood: blissful
I died the night that you left.

And, all that I can think about right now is that to whomever finds me later..

I'm sorry for the mess, ya know?

If you get hurt mentally, you have to hurt physically.

At least..I do.

And, when you need help..

The help never comes.

I'm not afraid really of being loved, and, haveing a happily ever after.

I just know that things don't work out that way.

I guess that my entire existance is for your amusement.

So laugh.

I want this all to stop.

I want it to all go away.

It hurts so much.

That I cannot take it, anymore.

A pill to make me numb, please.

A lie to soothe my soul.

Vodka to make it all okay.

And, your words..They cut oh so very much deeper than knives, and, razors.

Would you even notice if I wasn't here, anymore?

Apparently, not.

xx



1:35 AM 3 Comments(Add Comment) |3 Kudos Edit Remove


January 24, 2008 - Thursday
FUCK ME, I CANNOT TAKE IT, ANYMORE..
Current mood: angry
Leaving Grace House was the worst mistake that I think that I have evermade in all of the entirety of my life.Now, I will die trying to get fucked up.For in one week.My life is over.
I'm halfway out the door.
I'll be dead soon.
I know that.
Oh jesus I can't stop crying.
Fuck.
Please..Please MAKE IT STOP.
I can't stand the pain, please.
Oh my god. What have I done??
I'm a nightmare.
I'm a disaster.
I'm so fucked in the fucking head.
Fuck me.
Get it over with.
That's all that I'm good for.
That's what you told me.
That I'm a whore.
That I should go, and, kill myself.
Well, now you've got your wish.
All of you.
Fuck you.
Fuck me.
I'll be dead within the week.
That is a promise.
I am finished with this.
I might leave tonight.
Who knows..
But, this is the end of me.
FUCK YOU.

She says it all, yo.
This song is..My life.
FUCK ME.
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
GOD..YOU HAVE TO LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU'RE FUCKING KILLING ME.
PLEASE..

PLEASE OMG..
DON'T LET ME GO..I'm so sorry. Jesus please forgive me. Oh my god.
And, now I'm sobbing uncontrollably.
I can't..
Jesus, please don't let me go.
Don't..Just don't.
You're all that I have left.
When I really needed someone. In the dark, in the pain, in the closet at Bobby, and, Sherry's..In the fucking hotel in Tulsa..At thaat fucking bridge..At John, and, Jess's..At my apartment..Cuba..Kellie..George..Cherrie..Davy..(David, to those who do now know him)..Stacy..OH GOD I CAN'T REMEMBER THIS ANYMORE..Lauren..Baby, what the fuck did you do to me..I HATE YOU..
Jesus, YOU were the only one that was there. YOU honestly still are..
God, I'm so sorry. Take my life. Do with it what you want, just don't let me go.
Please..
Hold onto me, because, I'm not holding onto you.
Jesus, please show me what to do.
Forgive me.
Please, omg.
LOOK AT THE LYRICS TO THIS SONG.
It's the first song on my playlist 'More to life'.
There's gotta be..xx

I've got it all, but I feel so deprived,I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside,Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing.And why can't I let it go?There's gotta be more to life...Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me.Cause the more that I'm...Tripping out thinking there must be more to life.Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more.(Than wanting more)I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowlyHere in this moment I'm half way out the door.Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing.There's gotta be more to life...Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me,Cause the more that I'm...Tripping out thinking there must be more to life.Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be moreI'm wanting more! (Ohhh! Yeah!)I'm always waiting on something other than thisWhy'm I feelin' like there's something I missed?There's gotta be more to lifeThan chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me.Cause the more that I'm... (More that I'm)Tripping out thinking there must be more to lifeWell it's life, but I'm surethere's gotta be more to lifeThan chasing down every temporary high to satisfy meCause the more that I'm...Tripping out thinking there must be more to life.Well it's life, but I'm sure... there's gotta be more to life.More to, more to, more to life.(There's gotta be more to life) More to, more to, more to life.There's gotta be moreMore to life
3:03 AM 2 Comments(Add Comment) |2 Kudos Edit Remove


January 23, 2008 - Wednesday
Guess What??
Current mood: angry
I know the difference between right and wrong..



I just don't give a damn.

1:15 AM 3 Comments(Add Comment) |2 Kudos Edit Remove


January 22, 2008 - Tuesday
haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Current mood: depressed
In one week..

This all will change..



I will be..No more.

In one way or another.

Can't go back..

Can't go foward.

Might as well be dead.



Oh, hey! There's an idea.

Fuck me.

4:41 PM 2 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


January 18, 2008 - Friday
Goodbye, Love..
Current mood: drained
There has come a point in my life..Call it what you wish, but, it's become a valid concern to me as the past few months have rolled by withought time being noticed.

I am an asshole.

I will fuck you up, if you come into contact with me.

I probably didn't mean to do it.

I love withought question.

I majorly get fucked up by you afterwards.

I am an idiot in my own mind, but, I am not a loser.

I really don't care what you think about me.

I think way too much.

I am going to hurt anyone who gets close enough to me to break through what little walls I have been able to salvage through this bitch called life.

I almost never mean to.

I swear alot..Alot alot.

I have been hurt beyond repair.

I will love you nonetheless, as I cannot seem to stop that from happening.

I am going to die, soon.

Litterally.

I will not see 2009.

This life has been oh so very hard on me.

I'm a little kid inside.

I won't remember the good times, as much as the bad, tho I do remember the times that meant the most to me.

I miss myself.

I miss you.

I miss her.

I miss him.

I would give anything in this world to go back.

At least to 2001.

I lie.

I have stolen when I had to, and, yes there is a time and a place for that.

Survival doesn't really mean alot to me.

I have never 'cheated' on anyone that I've been with.

Except twice.

If you love me, I will love you more than you ever could imagine in your mind.

I have the strongest love that I have ever expieranced.

Except once.

I trust completley, and, not at all.

I live in a dreamland most of the time.

I have hurt people, and, am about to do so, once more.

I give up on life.

I live up on love.

I give up on you.

I have waited for a v.e.r.y..Long time for love to find me, again, as I was told to not go looking for it..

I have found it.

Sortof.

I believe in her..

I don't believe in me.

I love her.

I hate myself.

That will never work.

Svetlana, you know that I love you, and, I always will.

You told me the last time that I broke up with you that you didn't know how much longer or how many times that I could do that and you'd let me..

I have to do it once more.

It's killing me.

For this time, I don't want to, but I need to, for your sake/sanity, and, my own.

We are really bad for each other in some ways, and, amazing in others, and, that together, combined means more to me than you will ever ever know.

But, I cannot garuntee anything to you, anymore, and, it hurts me to say that.

But, it's true.

I have so many hospital bills to take care of.

So much of my own pain to deal with.

I don't want to fuck you up.

And, I know that I will.

I'm sorry.

You're in my heart..You are my heart.

But, it's time to face reality.

I may not be what you think.

I may be everything that you think.

I just know that I love you, and, for once I am being open and honest about myself.

I am an idiot.

There is so much that I wanted to do with you, for you, to you, haha.

I love you.

Always, and, forever.

But, my life is not what it seems.

I die everyday a little bit more.

I'm almost nothing anymore.

I hate myself.

I HATE MYSELF.

I wish that I could be what you want.

But, I'm not.

I never have been.

Never will be.

I can't ask you to forgive me, I can only pray that you will find someone who loves you who can HELP you, as I cannot.

I want to, oh so very much.

I just can't.

I don't want to cry anymore, even though I know that's a part of life.

I'm slipping away.

From you.

From myself.

This isn't just a rant.

It's the fucking bleakness of reality, and, it sucks..

I can't deal with this pain, anymore, and, I most certainly don't want to drag you through it, with me.

I love you, soo much.

I can't ask you for help, because, you wouldn't know what to do, either.

I want to hold you.

I want to be held by you.

But, that would require me meeting you, and, that scares the shit out of me.

Could I be so ugly that you would turn and run away from me?

That is my fear.

The person on the right..Of my profile pic with the long, and, blond hair.

That is me in 2001.

But, I look similar.

I have red/black hair.

But, that's me.

Nothing more.

Nothing less.

I give up being scared that you'll think that I'm ugly.



That is most of the reason that I'm doing this right now.

You always say that you're a catch, and, I know that you're beautiful, but goddamnit that scares me alright?

You're different than the others.

I adore you.

I am just so scared of being hurt.

Again.

Just for a different reason this time.

I've never been afraid to meet someone so much before, because, of the way that I look.

I can feel you.

Right now.

I feel you most of the time..I feel like it's all of the time.

I love the connection that we have, and, we will always have it..

I'm scared that we'd hurt each other, possibly even physically, lol..

I cannot hang on by a thread anymore.

It's snapping.

Breaking..

And, I will fall.

And, this time I will die whilst doing so.

I can't breathe, anymore.

'Don't leave me here by myself, I can't breathe.'

I can't take this anymore.

There are certain things that you can do that you cannot come back from.

I sold my soul a long time ago,.

I'm lost, forever, now.

i love you.



For the first time in a very long time, I'm doing something that I absoloutley do not want to do.

I love you.

Goobye.

*Invisable hearts because they don't work in a blog..*



xx



11:46 PM 7 Comments(Add Comment) |6 Kudos Edit Remove


January 14, 2008 - Monday
Fuck you and your God..
Current mood: angry
I have nowhere else to go right now, as far as living arrangements, and..I mean..



Things happen to me, and, I can't talk about them, and have to suffer in silence, as I am lied to , and, taken advantage of, in ways that are horrible to me.

I don't know what to DO.

I feel like nobody cares, and, they know what's going on, but, they don't want to face it, so they act as if it doesn't exist, and, isn't happening.



Just as it happened to them, and, noone stopped it..

So they let it happen to thier loved one.

Me.

Over and over again.

Tonight I cannot control myself.

Tonight.

I care about nothing.

Tonight, I walk alone.

Tonight, I refuse to be me.

Tonight..I am lost.

Forever.

I am falling, and, there's noone to catch me.

Noone to hold me.

Noone to stop the abuse.

Fuck you, and, your God.

Tonight is Judgement Day.

Goodbye.

9:15 PM 2 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


January 14, 2008 - Monday
The past two days..
Current mood: sick
Sveta, here's what happend.

And, I need to hear you..

I'm so sorry.





Okay, so two days ago, I went on what I thought was going to be a normal 'go to Junes, get my drugs, come home' routine..

Anthony came and picked me up, and, I went and got my shit, which wasn't that much to begin with, and, put it in this napkin.

He wanted to go to Bobby and Sherry's to get his shit, because, June didn't have what he wanted.

Mind you, Bobby and, Sherry's is the place that Chili lives across from., the dude that wants to kill me.

So I went in there. There was this woman 'Shareen' who was going to take me home, so Anthony left me there..

Okay..Chili came over several times that night..I had to go and hide in the fucking closet whilst he was there pressing a fucking magnum up against bobb'ys head. I could see him, but he couldn't see me.

I was so scared.

That was HORRIBLE.

That happene so many times, I was shaking and terrified.

He threatened to kill everyone in the house.

He knew that someone was there that was hiding..

I did something that makes me look like a crack whore.

Then Rock came and took care of me.

I had wayy too much Crack..

Yet, it's never enough.

Then, I did heroin.

MY MISTAKE.

I freaked.

Bob sent Anthony money which he spent on dope, and, I got stranded there, AGAIN.

Fuck the world.

And, I got slapped around.

I feel like shit.

MY goal..

I will make everyone hate me so that I have nowhere to go, and, noone that loves me.

Then..I can die.

10:41 AM 6 Comments(Add Comment) |6 Kudos Edit Remove


January 11, 2008 - Friday
too late
Current mood: distraught
There's a relief when you finally make a decision to end things, in one way or another..

Relieved, and, always alone in mind..

I hate myself, so much. This is so much more than I thought that I could handle..

I feel like..I am drowning..And, there's noone can save me, no matter what is said do me, I realize that it's too late.

There are those people who..Who can be put back together, again..Be made whole..And, then there are those people who cannot be fixed, or, put back together, again. The pieces are too many..The glass is much too sharp..

I can't hold on anymore, and, fuck you who try and make me.



I hate you.

I hate me.

I can't take the pain anymore.

And, if you say that I can.

A curse be upon you.

Ceshar. x

8:57 PM 14 Comments(Add Comment) |6 Kudos Edit Remove


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Age: 22
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City: Plymouth
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AchieveItOnline.com January 30, 2008 - Wednesday
I HATE YOU.
Current mood: fabulous
Okay, so there's this dude, Chilie.



He thinks that I owe him money.

I don't.

And, I got this call from Anthony saying that Chilie paid him 500 bucks to tell him where I am, and, that he'd give him another 500 to bring me to him.

He also said that he is lurking around my house.

If that's true, I'll call the fucking cops, warrants or, no.

I'm not going to be afraid to walk around.

Fuck you.

Fuck me.

FUCK DRUGS.

9:52 PM 2 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


January 29, 2008 - Tuesday
HA
Current mood: cooky/wacky
I just got called a bitch dyke crack whore..lovely.
4:19 PM 1 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


January 29, 2008 - Tuesday
Trying to do the right thing..Is so hard..
Current mood: crushed
I don't know what to do.

I'm so sad, now.

I'm in love, and, I just fucking now realized tonight, just how much she means to me..

FUCK..

What have I done??

I can't really stop crying, I don't eat, and, when I do, it gets thrown back up.

I hate the fact that I'm moping around, but..What can I do?

Live and let live, yes?

HAHAHAHA, fuck you.

All of you.

Go to hell.

I don't care anymore.

I fucked up the one good thing that I had in my life.

As I knew that I would.

Even if it was influenced by a power greater than what I now am using.

I refuse to do magick on her.

I won't.

fuck you..

3:15 AM 1 Comments(Add Comment) |2 Kudos Edit Remove


January 27, 2008 - Sunday
yshshsfhreh
Current mood: bored
..
Click here to create your own painting.
6:30 PM 0 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


January 27, 2008 - Sunday
DRUNK DRUNK..
Current mood: crushed
I miss Svetlana, OH SO VERY FUCKING MUCH.



I GOT so DRUNK last night..

Oh my god.

I tried to eat a magazine..Playboy no less..The girl was hot what can I say..

I started speaking in Aramaic, and, the only intelligable word was 'Chyette', which is Svetlana's last name.. Svetlana was my girlfriend.

I called Sveta's MOTHER.

She's a nice lady.

I THINK that I TOLD her so.

Shit.

I fell down a full flight of stairs.

I tried to hit on/kiss an old man, downstairs, named Tom.

I was trying to get to the airport to go to Svetlana. She lives in California, I am in Michigan.

I called her, and, then..Said some shit, who knows.

god.

FUCK.

I tried to get Bob who is like 40something, to go down and steal the safebox key from his sleeping elderly father.

AHAHAHA.

FUCK ME.

SO much more happened, but, I think that you get the point, yes. xx

4:21 AM 2 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


January 26, 2008 - Saturday
I can’t stand the pain..And, I can’t make it go away..How Could This Happen To Me??
Current mood: contemplative
I..Oh my god.

*Bursts into tears.*

I don't know what I have done, but..My girlfriend left me.

AGAIN IT'S HAPPENED.

Fuck.

What's wrong with me?

Why do they..GODDAMNIT.

I HATE THIS.

Oh my god.

Now, I rest this cold skin in the ground

Forever reminded of you, I lie in this coffin.

no longer reminded of myself i only see you.

forgive me for this self inflicted death.

baby..

i loved you.



10:42 AM 3 Comments(Add Comment) |4 Kudos Edit Remove


January 26, 2008 - Saturday
Svetlana..Is..perdu à moi
I..Oh my god.

*Bursts into tears.*

10:17 AM 1 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


January 25, 2008 - Friday
Death Is In My Blood.. xx
Current mood: bummed
I'm no longer afraid to die, but, there's a huge difference beteween walking up to Chilie, and, sasying, okay rape me, make me suck your ugly cock AGAIN, kill me, see what happens.

A huge difference between that and, killing onesself.



Svetlana..I miss you, baby.

Fuck me, I am so motherfucking sorry. x


6:54 PM 1 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


January 25, 2008 - Friday
Death Is In My Blood.. xx
Current mood: bummed
I'm no longer afraid to die, but, there's a huge difference beteween walking up to Chilie, and, sasying, okay rape me, make me suck your ugly cock AGAIN, kill me, see what happens.

A huge difference between that and, killing onesself.



Svetlana..I miss you, baby.

Fuck me, I am so motherfucking sorry. x


6:54 PM 0 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


January 25, 2008 - Friday
Death Is In My Blood.. xx
Current mood: bummed
I'm no longer afraid to die, but, there's a huge difference beteween walking up to Chilie, and, sasying, okay rape me, make me suck your ugly cock AGAIN, kill me, see what happens.

A huge difference between that and, killing onesself.



Svetlana..I miss you, baby.

Fuck me, I am so motherfucking sorry. x


6:54 PM 0 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


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Age: 22
Sign: Cancer

City: Plymouth
State: Michigan
Country: US
Signup Date: 6/2/2005

Blog Archive
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Jan Feb Mar Apr May Jun Jul Aug Sep Oct Nov Dec / 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 / 1981 1982 1983 1984 1985 1986 1987 1988 1989 1990 1991 1992 1993 1994 1995 1996 1997 1998 1999 2000 2001 2002 2003 2004 2005 2006 2007 2008 2009 2010 2011 2012 2013 2014 2015 2016 2017 2018 2019 2020 2021 2022 2023 2024 2025 2026 2027 2028 2029 2030 2031 2032 2033 2034 2035 2036 2037 2038 2039 2040 2041 2042 2043 2044 2045 2046 2047 2048 2049 2050 2051 2052 2053 2054 2055 2056 2057 2058 2059 2060 2061 2062 2063 2064 2065 2066 2067 2068 2069 2070 2071 2072 2073 2074 2075 2076 2077 2078 2079 2080 2081 2082 2083 2084 2085 2086 2087 2088 2089 2090 2091 2092 2093 2094 2095 2096 2097 2098 2099


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Latinwomensite.com April 15, 2008 - Tuesday
You Will Never Get Away From Me, Now..
Current mood: argumentative
You. Are. Mine.

And, I will control you.

Noone knows of whom I speak.

Noone.



Ama = Blood.



6:19 PM 0 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


April 2, 2008 - Wednesday
At home
I miss you all. Have some things to take care of then ill be back where i belong forever hopefully. . Trish
10:54 AM 0 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


April 2, 2008 - Wednesday
At home
I miss you all. Have some things to take care of then ill be back where i belong forever hopefully. . Trish
10:53 AM 0 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


April 2, 2008 - Wednesday
At home
I miss you all. Have some things to take care of then ill be back where i belong forever hopefully. . Trish
10:52 AM 0 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


February 17, 2008 - Sunday
Goodbye..Again..
This life has been oh so very hard on me.

I've lived a thousand lifetimes in 21 years.

I can't breathe, anymore.

I'm sick, physically..

And, so so tired inside.

My body cries out for the grave.

It's not much longer, now.

My love..Is still in my heart..Always, and, forever.

And, love..True, unconditional love has been the one thing that both has killed me, and, kept me alive, in all of the entirety of my life.

My girlfriend..Not my own.

My last girlfriend..Never was mine..

The one before t hat, I hurt so bad.

The one before that..Still owns my soul, today.

I will be forever..The one who loves..Who loved..And, yet, was loveless.

Forever, and, until all of eternity fades, I am yours, forever.

My soul burns in anguish, my cries go unheard.

My heart, trampled, and, bruised.

I must disappear now, before, I break, forever..

But, it only hurts, just for a little while..

There has to be peace, somewhere.

I've forsaken all that I know to be right, and, truth, and, life.

And, exchanged it for a lie..A burning, black, lie.

Torment, forever.

Until this life makes me die.

I have to go, home.

I have to see my daddy, again.

Goodbye. xx

2:39 AM 1 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


February 17, 2008 - Sunday
Goodbye, All..
I won't be talking to anyone, anymore.

Goodbye. xx

2:11 AM 0 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


February 14, 2008 - Thursday
What Do You Do??
When the one person that you love is the one person that makes you feel like you're shit? And, dying?
10:22 PM 0 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


February 5, 2008 - Tuesday
Her Hair Is All Around Me..
I have to learn not to live by my feelings so much.

I hate myself.

But, why?

I have evil inside of me, and, sometimes it comes out, but, which one is the real me?

I don't know what to do with myself, anymore.

I am oh so very sad, tonight.

I wish to be held, mhm. xx

7:57 PM 0 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


February 3, 2008 - Sunday
I Need It, Again, Before I Break Forever....xx
Current mood: lonely
I don't know what to do.

I feel like everything is changing. And, when change happens to me, it happens rather rapidly.

I have to face up to things. Tear down walls, and, just..Breathe.

That is a tall order, for me.

I hate myself, right now.

And..She came back.

AGAIN.

Just got the email. Telling me that 'I'm the only one for her'..That 'She can't live withought me, or, does not want to'.

I ran away.

As usual.

I really have to stop doing that, because, it could really fuck up my relationship, now.

I'm scared.

And, I feel oh so very alone.

What can I do?

Will this last forever?

The pain, that is..

I can

not

take

any

more.

And, I act happy.

Somewhat.

For her.

But, god help me, I can't do it anymore, I'm falling apart, im writhing in agony, my body is numb, my heart-cold.

I want to kill, again.

I want to feel bones break, blood flow..

The adrenaline..The rush..The taste..The sexuality of it all.

I need it, again, before I break forever..

I don't know who to trust, where to turn, how to go anywhere, but, to the grave.

I don't want to be alone when I die, though. How horrible is that? If I kill myself, I want someone there.

Noone would.

I can't handle anything, let alone myself, anymore.

Please please take me away from me.

Let me hold you.

Hold me.

Give me one last reason to try..

God, forgive me. xx

4:13 AM 0 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


February 2, 2008 - Saturday
Samantha..
Current mood: angry
I just was remembering Samantha Vardell.

My ex-girlfriend, from Aurora, Illinois.

She took me to her high school prom as her date, haha.

I'll never forget that night, it was spectacular.

Got to wear an amazing outfit. Danced with Sam, for hours..

God, that was so amazing.

I loved her that night.

Alot.



Shit.



Why do I always have to fuck everything/everyone up?

I broke her heart.

Then Eme.

Then Svetlana.

I ALWAYS RUIN EVERYTHING.

And, I don't even mean to.

Fuck me, what is WRONG with me?

4:43 PM 0 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


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Last Updated: 2/16/2009

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Age: 22
Sign: Cancer

City: Plymouth
State: Michigan
Country: US
Signup Date: 6/2/2005

Blog Archive
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Jan Feb Mar Apr May Jun Jul Aug Sep Oct Nov Dec / 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 / 1981 1982 1983 1984 1985 1986 1987 1988 1989 1990 1991 1992 1993 1994 1995 1996 1997 1998 1999 2000 2001 2002 2003 2004 2005 2006 2007 2008 2009 2010 2011 2012 2013 2014 2015 2016 2017 2018 2019 2020 2021 2022 2023 2024 2025 2026 2027 2028 2029 2030 2031 2032 2033 2034 2035 2036 2037 2038 2039 2040 2041 2042 2043 2044 2045 2046 2047 2048 2049 2050 2051 2052 2053 2054 2055 2056 2057 2058 2059 2060 2061 2062 2063 2064 2065 2066 2067 2068 2069 2070 2071 2072 2073 2074 2075 2076 2077 2078 2079 2080 2081 2082 2083 2084 2085 2086 2087 2088 2089 2090 2091 2092 2093 2094 2095 2096 2097 2098 2099


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Latinwomensite.com September 27, 2008 - Saturday
Svetlana..Et toio tenoio....xx
Current mood: exhausted
I love you, baby.

If you can forgive me for decieving you for so long, and, realize who I really am, and, still love me..

Then I can, and, will give you all of me..Always, and, Forever my darling sweet baby girl.. xxxx

7:41 AM 0 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


September 26, 2008 - Friday
You’re nothing but a lie.
I've been through this so many times.

I can't bit my tongue forever.

You can hide behind your stories but don't take me for a fool.

You can tell me that there's noone else. But I feel it. You can tell me that there's nobody else, but, I feel it. You can look into my eyes and pretend all that you want..But, I know..I KNOW..You're love is just a lie..You're nothing but a lie.

I know it. I feel it. I am tired of giving in to what I know to be a lie.

She doesn't love me. She couldn't love me. Ever. End of the story.

I'm not the only one..Her only one.

I'm nothing. I'm fucked. I was a fucking fool to believe.

8:15 AM 1 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


September 20, 2008 - Saturday
I Must Be Traveling On Now....I’m As Free As A Bird Now....
Current mood: crazy
I've come back to Michigan for one purpose only, and, it's time.

If I stay here with you, Svet..I'm only pretending now.

I'm not alive anymore, in my head, in my heart, in my soul, in my being.

I must be traveling on, now.

This place is broken me into too many pieces to ever be able to put them back together.

All that I have ever wanted was to be loved..As much as I have always loved.

No amount of love can save my life.

I can't carry on like this, anymore.

I'm burning up inside, I'm crushed, and, broken beyond repair. You can't fix me. Nobody can. I'm dead inside.

How can I go on living outside when I'm dead inside?

Why does the sky continue to be blue when I am dying and melting into the greatest puddles of the darkest black?

I am so scared.

But, not of dying.

I have lived my life. Too much in a very short period of time, methinks.

Death is a welcome thing to me. I'll be free now.

Please don't take it so badly.

I'm the only one to blame.

I guess.

If I stay here with you now, I'm only living a lie. Pretending to be happy. Pretending that anyone, or, anything could ever make me happy again.

I'm so broken.

I don't know what to do, my mind is hurting. My soul is on fire, but, the fire is about to be engulfed by candlelight. My fire is going on. My light..Is out.

I'm sorry.

I can't take this or deal with it anymore.

I don't know what to do, anymore.

If I go, I'm dying..If I stay I am dying.

If I go, I'm free. If I stay, I'm miserable, and, slowly dying a very horrible painful death.

Choices suck.. xx

7:27 PM 2 Comments(Add Comment) |4 Kudos Edit Remove


September 20, 2008 - Saturday
I Have To Make A Decision, Very, Soon....
Current mood: scared
I have to decide wheather or not to go back to Pennsylvania in two days.

I have a sentencing to go to. I wasn't supposed to leave the state. I can't go back to jail, again, but that is exactly what will happen if I go back.

I am so scared.

I'm paranoid.

I'm panicking.

I don't know what to do.

I want to run forever.

I've already been caught once.

I feel that if I go back..I'll die.

Everything is falling apart, and, yet here in Michigan is where everything good and bad put together has happened to me.

It's the only place that I've ever felt the word home to be a verb.

I hate myself for being so weak, and, yet, I really don't think that I can go back.

Does that make me a horrible bad person?

I'm so scared....

7:51 AM 2 Comments(Add Comment) |2 Kudos Edit Remove


September 19, 2008 - Friday
Suicide..When It’s The Only Way Out....
Current mood: crappy
I have attempted to hang myself, in the past. I have slit my wrists. In fact, I have a serious problem with cutting. I am not ashamed to admit it, as what's the objective in denying the truth, except blankly living in denial, really?

What gives the determination? Sorrow. At least for me. A sorrow so deep, that it takes the innermost happy thought. Every happy memory of being safe/content/warm/loved in that special someone's arms..Christmas with family..Love. Peace..And, replaces it with agony, pain, grief/loss, and..Again..Sorrow so deep, it..Kills.

It's like this vicious cycle. You are up, then down, but the down keeps getting deeper, and more dangerous in so many ways. And, you life your life pretending that you're ok.Smiling on the outside, when inside you're crying, Pretending that you're not dying inside. Every. Single. Second. A phesad, because you know that noone understands.

A pain so deep that it reaches into your very core. It twists the life out of you, and makes you know. Just..What you really are..Nothing. Nothing. Noone could want you, noone could love you. The one person that did, left you alone. 'Always, and forever' meant nothing, even though they said it a hundred times. 'Always, and forever'..

It's an inner turmoil brought about by many inner, and outer circumstances. It's like you're in a bubble. A haze that seperates you from the rest of the world, and makes you so disoriented that you want to lay down on the ground, in a fetal position, close your eyes, and never wake up.

The pain gets so bad, the molehills turn into mountains right before your eyes. You know that you're strong enough to beat this, in what's left of your fragile heart, yet your soul is dying. The very core of you is..D-Y-I-N-G, and you're sitting there smiling, laughing, conversing as normally as possible, in a group, but then it starts to spread to even your closest friends, you cannot concentrate, you can't think clearly, because of this pain. Yet, you sit there, every day and STILL, even though it's killing you, you smile, you laugh, you pretend that you're great. And, all the while, YOU'RE SCREAMING INSIDE 'SOMEBODY PLEASE SAVE ME', at the top of your lungs, but noone hears you.

Noone ever hears.

You go on, and attempt to survive the night..Each night is harder and harder, and you pray for, yet are terrified of when it gets dark outside, because that's when the battle gets harder. You cry by yourself, alone. You hurt yourself on the outside, to try to kill the pain on the inside. You make yourself bleed, and watch the blood flow from your body, and it's an adrenaline rush, because oh lookie! Here's something that I can control. I have my life right in my hands. I can die, at any second, if I just snap my fingers.

And, then the next day, you wake up, feeling groggy, realize what you did, and think 'd***, maybe today will be better'. You get up on your feet, and you try AGAIN, to make something out of your life, all the while getting more desperate, as you realize that it's all the same s***, different day. Except the pain gets worse, and it numbs you with the most electrifying CLEARNESS, and somehow makes you feel it, even more, until your soul is 'raw', litterally.

The day starts anew, and the night..Oh the precious, devious, wonderful, decietful night comes again, bringing it's promises of release if you just 'do it this time'..

On, and on and on and on and f***ing on..

And, you know the worst part?

You know there's nothing that you can do to stop it.

You're stuck like this, unless you die.

Forever..

I hope this answered your questions..xXx..


9:06 AM 1 Comments(Add Comment) |2 Kudos Edit Remove


September 19, 2008 - Friday
It's As If I am Becoming Untouchable....
Current mood: discontent
God, I am back in Michigan, and, I am sitting here crying, and, listening to the Backstreet Boys song 'Incomplete'.

All of these years, I have tried. I have tried so hard to let Casey go. I have prayed and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. Finally, I got to the point where I pushed it aside, and, put it on the back burner, and, I fooled myself into thinking that I was over her. That..It was over for me, in my heart.

But, being here..It's so bittersweet..Even the air to me. But, Casey..She's not far away..She's so near..I am so afraid that I can never let her go.

But, now, I realize being here that I have loved her all along. And, it hurts so badly. It's like there is a part of me that is missing..I'm incomplete withought her. The lightning bolt still has us connected, and, yet..I am in a completley different time zone emotionally than her. Than she is.

I'd give anything to go back.

And, now I have a beautiful sweet amazing wonderful girlfriend named Svetlana, and, I still can't..Let go..I'd give anything to make it so that I'm fair to her..

Am I being unfair? I don't know, anymore.



5:05 AM 3 Comments(Add Comment) |2 Kudos Edit Remove


September 12, 2008 - Friday
Why Do I feel This Song And My Heart Is Breaking If It’s Not true? GOD.
I fall asleep by the telephone
It's 2 O'clock and I'm waiting up alone
Tell me where have you been?
I found a note with another name
You blow a kiss, but it just don't feel the same
Cause I can feel that you're gone

I can't bite my tongue forever
While you try to play it cool
You can hide behind your stories
But don't take me for a fool

You can tell me that there's nobody else
(But I feel it)
You can tell me that you're home by yourself
(But I see it)
You can look into my eyes and pretend all you want
But I know
Your love is just a lie
(Lie)
It's nothing but a lie
(Lie)

You look so innocent
But the guilt in your voice gives you away
Yeah you know what I mean
How does it feel when you kiss when you know that i trust you
And do you think about me when he fucks you?
Could you be more obscene?

So dont try to say you're sorry
Or try to make it right
Don't waste your breath because it's too late, it's too late.

You can tell me that there's nobody else
(But I feel it)
You can tell me that you're home by yourself
(But I see it)
You can look into my eyes and pretend all you want
But I know, I know,
Your love is just a lie
(Lie)
It's nothing but a lie
(Lie)
You're nothing but a lie

You can tell me that there's nobody else
(But I feel it)
You can tell me that you're home by yourself
(But I see it)
You can look into my eyes and pretend all you want
But I know, I know
Your love is just a lie
(Lie
I know you're nothing but a lie
(Lie)
Lie
(Lie)
Lie
(Lie)
Lie

Your love is just a lie


6:14 AM 2 Comments(Add Comment) |3 Kudos Edit Remove


September 3, 2008 - Wednesday
Fuck You
Current mood: angry
Fuck you sons of bitches who deleted my profile. FUCK OFF.
5:03 PM 1 Comments(Add Comment) |2 Kudos Edit Remove


April 21, 2008 - Monday
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Argh.

Tonight is the time when I wish that The Earth would simply combust NOW instead of later.

I miss you.

You know who you are.

And, Laura my love I am cominggg backkk.

Ahaha, we will create new memories to laugh about later lol..

Blaz. OMG. HOW COULD WE HAVE DONE THAT?

Haha, I love you.

BAH I HATE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.

Probation SUCKS.

This will never stop will it?

I never really will be okay will I?

That's what I thought.

x. x

11:36 PM 2 Comments(Add Comment) |4 Kudos Edit Remove


April 15, 2008 - Tuesday
You Will Never Get Away From Me, Now..
Current mood: argumentative
You. Are. Mine.

And, I will control you.

Noone knows of whom I speak.

Noone.



Ama = Blood.



6:19 PM 0 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


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Latinwomensite.com December 17, 2008 - Wednesday
The hate is..Gone from me..
Today I did a dirty horrible thing to my beloved. Attempted to get her into trouble because I hated her. But its gone now for the first time since Cali. True real love is in me. And Svet..I love you. Please dont just throw that away Angel. Im always here.
1:25 AM 0 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


December 15, 2008 - Monday
Ive Got A Brand New Attitude Svetlana....
Category: Life
I dont need you. I dont want you. Not until you are ready to change. The girl that I loved is gone and no longer exists. Stop drinking. Stop being the kind of a girl who could hit me. Be real. Learn how to treat a girlfriend. Call me. Simple as that.
9:21 AM 1 Comments(Add Comment) |1 Kudos Edit Remove


December 12, 2008 - Friday
Im So Scared Of You..
Category: Romance and Relationships
I went through 3,798 miles of hell for u. Nights of hurt and hell. And now that u wont talk to me my heart is becoming so cold. YOU ARE BREAKING MY HEART. Come back for just 5 minutes on the phone and I will let u go forever if that is what u want....
9:49 PM 0 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


December 12, 2008 - Friday
Im So Scared Of You..
Category: Romance and Relationships
I went through 3,798 miles of hell for u. Nights of hurt and hell. And now that u wont talk to me my heart is becoming so cold. YOU ARE BREAKING MY HEART. Come back for just 5 minutes on the phone and I will let u go forever if that is what u want....
9:49 PM 0 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


December 5, 2008 - Friday
Svetlana Chyette. Hm or are we Skripchenko today? (spell check required hahahaha)
Current mood: played
Category: Romance and Relationships
You will burn for betraying my love for your treacheries and lies. Your excesses will drive you at last into madness. YOU ARE NOTHING. How could I have fallen in love with a monster? I try to hate u every day. Cant. If I love u more than I do..Ill die..
6:40 AM 0 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


November 10, 2008 - Monday
Svet When My Heart Is Breaking..
Current mood: crushed
You were always the antidote.

When my life is shattered..You always put me back together again.

When you needed me, I've always tried to be there fore you and to let you feel my love. Oh my love..Is so strong for you even now..Even now..

But the time has come for me to go.

I am nothing withought you but that's what I feel like when you hit me..

I can't live withought you but you make me want to die when you tell me that you don't love me and to leave.

There is so much more that I want you to know but for now..I will do as you have requestied and leave you alone, my aching heart bleeding a trail of the bitterest sweet blood as I finally forever slip into the shadows..

Goodbye Svetlana.

And, when you are ready. Come back to me. x

8:16 PM 1 Comments(Add Comment) |2 Kudos Edit Remove


October 1, 2008 - Wednesday
The End....
Current mood: worried
I just want those of you who do love me to read this, and, listen to my heart, and, really hear me for the last time. Just this last time.

I have done so many really horrible things in my life. I've made oh so very many horribly bad decisions. But, I want you to know why. I just need you to know why.

Ever since I was a little girl, I have been protected, and, what I thought was loved. But, then my heart and life was torn apart when my dad cheated on my mother, and, our family disinigrated into little tiny pieces..As did my heart.

I left home and came here to Michigan. Before that the love of my life has left me.

Then I came here and I got into drugs..But, you know why? Do any of you really know why? I finally found something to make this pain go away. This numbning horrible pain that I have, now, and, forever.

It hurts so bad. I just want it to stop. And, everyone has deserted me, now, and, forever.

All that I really wanted was to be loved. That was my life's goal. To be loved. Oh please someone just love me was the cry of my heart, and, soul.

And, it never really happened until now.

But, now..I will be forced to walk the streets for money and a place to stay tonight..Withought being able to see anything, anywhere. My parents have once again deserted me, and, left me with suicide as my only option.

I want you to know..All of you. That I want to live. I really wanted to live.

All that I needed was one last chance to prove that I am somebody, and, that the name Trisha Phillips/Falon Munoz would someday be recognized for the good that I had done. All that I needed was a chance. I have fucked up so badly now, that I can never have that chance, ever, again. And, now, I will have to pay the price for that with my life.

I'm sorry. So sorry. I just needed to see that I am worthless, and, good for nothing once more. And, now I have, and, the last people on The Earth that loved me have given up on me, and, therefore I have given up on myself.

There is no other way out. Even if I could go home on the Greyhound Bus, I can't see good enough to do so, because, I would have a series of bad accidents and I could never not miss the fucking bus when there were many transfers. I couldn't. I'm dying. I have Thyroid Cancer..I have Endometriosis..I have Cardiomyopathy, which is quite a very serious heart condition..I'm..Dying..And, now by best friends..Everyone has deserted me and left me to die.

I guess that it's just as well, this way. I won't live much longer like this, anyhow.

I just wanted to be somewhere comfortable for the last weeks of my life, and, that is why I acutally came here.

And, I would stop running..If I knew that there was a chance..And, it tears me apart..To leave here again so soon. I can't feel my soul anywhere else, anymore. I'm Frozen....

And, now I've fucked up so very badly, that I cannot even find the will to live, and, I'm being kicked out from the one place which has brought me some semblance of peace. Oh, please forgive me. Oh please don't leave me to die, here. Please. Oh god, help me. Oh my god. I am crying my heart out as I write this..And, my soul..Oh..Oh my precious little soul. I hate myself. Oh oh god what have I DONE?? XXXX

11:49 PM 4 Comments(Add Comment) |3 Kudos Edit Remove


October 1, 2008 - Wednesday
I Must Be Travelling On Now..Because, I am as free as a bird now..xx
I am leaving tonight. I am so sorry. But, those of you who really knew/know me you understand what I had to do, and, why I had to do it. I love you, my baby Svetlana.

If I stay here with you Svetty. I will only be a walking corpse. I am so sorry. Please forgive me. I do love you more than anyone or anything on The Earth.

I wanted to live to make you so happy.

And, now, I will only hurt you.

In this pain I find too much harshness and pain in itself is way too much for me.

I wanted to live. In general.

Goodbye, baby. x



2:51 AM 0 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


September 27, 2008 - Saturday
Now that you love me I love myself..I never thought I’d say that. I never thought thered be you
Current mood: crushed
I'm breaking my own heart today. I..I am so sorry. I love you.. I am leaving the one thing that I have always wanted and never could have.

And, now I have it..Her.. And..I..I'm throwing away the one thing that I've always wanted..Love. Forever. You don't understand. None of you fucking understand I AM FUCKING DYING. Litterally and figuratively. Oh god what have I done? Omg. I am falling apart, right now. I am pulled into so many different directions. I want to die so much. I want to live with love so much. I want..Her so much. Why do I always sabotage what I need the most? I need her. I'll die withought her, and, I know that..I'll die.. I wanted you to marry me. I wanted us to be together forever and for all of eternity. I'd die to have you in my arms for just one second, baby. I am so sorry. Please..Please be okay. And, I..I will be with you. Always, and, forever..Just..Know that. Even though you won't see me, anymore and I'll be in a different part of the world..Yes..I wil be alive..But, I can't be with you, ever again. We cannot talk..Ever again.. When you cry..I will cry with you..When you laugh..I will laugh with you..When you die inside, I will be there to make you live again. When you have a broken heart from someone..My strength will give you the will to go on. I will love you until the day that I die. I love you baby..Always and forever..



I used to cry at night so much when you would call me and talk about your girlfriends....



Wanting love..Having so much of it to give. Wanting you..WHY? WHY DID WE NOT BE TOGETHER BACK WHEN WE ACTUALLY HAD A CHANCE OF US MAKING IT. WHY OMG WHY? Why didn't I just tell you that I loved you..You knew that.. I wanted you then..For myself. All mine..Forever. And, I never said a word, and, I just fucking let you go..You..The perfect one of my dreams..The girl of my dream..I let you go..And, now it's too late..Oh my god, what have I done? I'm crying as I type this..So much. I need to tell you that you are my whole world you are my life my love and my..Eternal one. I love you so much OMG. Forgive me someday please. I am so sorry. I love you. Omg..I can't take the pain of this. Heartbreak again. Ohh..God it hurts so much. I have to go. I am yours..Forever. xxxx

9:34 PM 2 Comments(Add Comment) |2 Kudos Edit Remove


September 27, 2008 - Saturday
BAHAHAHAHA
Current mood: bored
I am such A SLUT..xx

8:31 PM 0 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


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Last Updated: 2/16/2009

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Age: 22
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City: Plymouth
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Country: US
Signup Date: 6/2/2005

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missionG.com/Blokhedz February 17, 2009 - Tuesday
I DONT CARE WHAT YOU FUCKING SAY
Current mood: cranky
Moving on does not include not having answers like I didn't with Casey and still do not to this day.
Svetlana is not Casey.
Svetlana could never understand me like that. I guess.
But. I love her.
Or at least the person that she was.
And, I will have an answer. Understand ?
She will look me in the eyes and tell me that she doesn't love me.
Maybe I'll beat the shit out of her and see how she fucking likes it.
All that I know is..I will not let this die and or rest until I get the answers.
Closure will come to me this time.
8:43 PM 0 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


February 14, 2009 - Saturday
Move On..
Current mood: evil
That's my next mission for myself.

And, believe me. When I move on. My memories of her will cease.
Fuck you, Svetlana.
9:13 AM 0 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


February 13, 2009 - Friday
It Wont Ever Stop..My Crazy Angel..
I have had a horrible past 2 years. Well, almost..

I knew this girl Svetlana for 4 years, and, I finally got back together with her in November 2007.

I have done some bad things to her, like making her think that i wanted her to leave so that she'd cry and beg me to stay with her. i needed the reassurance.

but she has done oh so very much more to me than that.

neglected me when i needed her the most.

going out all of the fucking time with her exgirlfriends and scumbag males who only want to fuck her stupid.

btw she forced me to meet her ex on the street in the middle of the fucking night.

i cant do this anymore.

I loved her and still do with all of my being.

But, she has betrayed me.

I FUCKING HITCHHIKED MY ASS THE WHOLE WAY TO CALIFORNIA TO SEE HER.

And, what does she do? Get drunk a million times and hit me.

I don't get it.

She loved me.

And, now that I'm back..She won't have any of it. She simply refuses to talk to me for absoloutley no reason.

And, I told her that I knew that she was gonna break my heart.

And, she promised.

After Casey, I promised myself that I'd never let this happen again.

And, now it's ripping my insides out.

I need to write..So much, but if I do, I'll never stop, and, any poor soul that ventures round my way will be completely dumbfounded and stupified and bored and shit. I don't know what to do. It hurts so bad. I can't take it anymore.

I just can't take it anymore.

She's hurt me so bad and she doesnt even seem to care.

She's so cold.

And, she tells me never to talk to her again.

BUT WHY?

I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING TO HER BUT LOVE HER.

I miss her so much. We did have amazing awesome times together before i met her in person and even when I was there with her.

I ended up checking myself into the psych ward because of her.

She doesn't know that that is why. But it is.

I wanted to die.

I still want to die.

And, the last night..

She invited this guy that we had met in a bar over to have a threesome. Didn't even ask me if it was okay or not.

And, then i had to pee so i kicked them out of the bathroom, and, we were in this office building or something that was like..open sky above you but a labyrinth of mazelike vines and metal doors and shit where the offices were..i hid there alot..with her and withought her.

but anyways when i was done i couldnt find her or him and i assumed that they were fucking or something.

and i went down the stairs and by that time she had come back to the bathroom and was looking for me, and, when she couldn't find me, she started screaming my name over and over looking for me, and, what did I do?

I hid behind a fucking pole.

She ran down the street.

Found me. Hit me.

I went back with her and to make a very long, complicated story short she beat the shit out of me.

she tried to kill herself again that night.

me and the guy looked everywhere for her.

she got kicked out of a bar because she was underage so me and this older guy went out with her.

well me and the young dude went in there looking for her and i asked the bartended if she had seen her and she was like 'OHHHH DID YOU LOSE YOUR UNDERAGE FRIEND???? WELL SHES SMALL BUT SHE LOOKS REALLY RESOURSEFUL SO I AM SURE THAT SHE WILL BE OKAYYY'

And before that she left me standing in the middle of the street while she took off with this man that i hate. she knows that i hate them and yet she did that right in front of my face.

OH SO VERY MUCH MORE HAS HAPPENED AND DID HAPPEN WHILST THERE AND OTHERWISE BUT RIGHT NOW I DONT AND CANT FIND OR HAVE THE EMOTIONAL ENDURACE TO SPEAK OF IT.

i cant stand this pain anymore.

oh god i dont know what to do...
10:36 PM 1 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


February 8, 2009 - Sunday
Svetlana..What Have You Done To Me......
Current mood: distressed
I know that someone needs to be told what you've done.
I fear you. But unspoken fears can come true.
Baby..OmG WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Omg..

I can't breathe.
I just wanted to take you away from your pain. And, you've done everything to hurt me that could possibly be done.
I try to forget you but as the song says..Withought you I feel nothing..
Don't leave me here by myself..I can't breathe.
What could I have possibly done to make you hate me so goddamned much?
I don't understand. All that I did was love you. And you hit me, abused me and my love and I'M STILL FUCKING HERE FOR YOU.
Waiting for what I now know will never happen.
You to have the heart of a human.
Love is not something that you know.
And, I tried.
I have died inside a thousand times a day because of you.
I miss your voice, baby.
I hate you.
And, yet I love you oh so very much.
I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHY IS THAT TO MUCH TO FUCKING ASK?
I don't get it.
And, now I am back here..To the place where my love broke my heart.
And, the whispering starts again in this cold town.
I see you. But, you don't see me. I make sure of that, sortof kinda.
I watch you to see if you will leave a trace of the unhappiness that is really you.
Fuck you.
Oh wait. I did that already.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
4:29 AM 1 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


February 1, 2009 - Sunday
im scared
Current mood: betrayed
of myself tonight
11:15 PM 0 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


January 31, 2009 - Saturday
My Sister!!!!!!
Current mood: blissful
I just found her on here. I'm so happy about it I could burst.

And, those of you who know me will understand my joy, because..Well. I'm never happy. Never smile. Never laugh. Not anymore.

This is wonderful!! xx
4:20 PM 1 Comments(Add Comment) |2 Kudos Edit Remove


January 28, 2009 - Wednesday
hurt
Current mood: crunk
It hurts so bad. Oh God please help me. What do I do? JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO OMG.
2:07 AM 0 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


January 22, 2009 - Thursday
I Cannot..
Current mood: betrayed
Stop loving you. xx
11:23 PM 0 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


January 20, 2009 - Tuesday
Svetlana. You are a cunt. OUTSIDE OF THE GODDAMNED BEDROOM YOU FREAK.
Current mood: anxious
Death is my destiny and the darkness is my home.

Remember that well SVETLANA. I have nothing left to lose. You do.

I dont care if I live or die. You do.

Go fuck yourself yeah?

11:17 AM 0 Comments(Add Comment) |0 Kudos Edit Remove


December 17, 2008 - Wednesday
The hate is..Gone from me..
Today I did a dirty horrible thing to my beloved. Attempted to get her into trouble because I hated her. But its gone now for the first time since Cali. True real love is in me. And Svet..I love you. Please dont just throw that away Angel. Im always here.
1:26 AM 1 Comments(Add Comment) |2 Kudos Edit Remove


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