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Subject : sadg
Posted Date: : Dec 10, 2007 1:39 AM
I am not talking to anyone, anymore. I'll be deleting my MySpace, shortly.
[Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : Once again, I cannot forgive myself. xx
Posted Date: : Dec 4, 2007 5:43 PM
What can I say? I know that I have let everyone down, agian. There is no denying that, in any way, shape, or, form.
More importantly, I have let myself down, and, for that I have no reasonable answer, nor can I request forgiveness, because, that would be asking too much on the part of those that I love. But, they all want to give it to me, anyways. What have I done? Jesus, why are you forsaking me?? Then I hear Your voice, and, it sends me into peace, only shortlived. What can I do? I am oh so very confused.
As for my life..It appears to be over, again. I hate that. That feeling blows. I can't stop it, yet, what can I do?? I can only watch my life go by, as I see it, standing outside of my own body, and, screaming my head off. But, I never hear myself. I've never heard anything..Not really..
Plans that could be bad, are as follows:
Do nothing, and, end up dead.
Do something, and, end up dead.
Do not change anything about myself, and, my ways, and, end up dead.
Good things? I don't know. Get a job, get my life back. But, I think that I have to do that alone. I seem to be destined to be alone, because, all that I do is make others miserable.
This love that I have inside of me is burning me down. Burning, like a fire. That cannot be quenched. This is over. Now. It must end. It must stop. I cannot live like this anymore, but, I cannot change how I feel. God, forgive me, because, once agian, I cannot forgive myself. xx
[Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : Drunkenness.......AGAIN..Just Fucking Kill Me, And, Get It Over With..xx
Posted Date: : Dec 4, 2007 2:12 PM
I fucked up, again ,big time..
I got drunk..I now have cuts all over myself, I have a bruise that could turn into something more on my shoulder..I fell into the fan, with my face..My face started bleeding, then my fingers did.
I started putting spells on the people that I love.
I said that someone that I care for will die within two months.
I tried to call my girlfriend, only to not be able to find the fucking phone when she called me back.
I punched Loraine. I swore at her.
I went to John's to get a light for my cigarette.
I knocked on Tom's door at 2 in the morning.
I tried to leave to get an airplane ticket to California..DRUNK, AND WALKING AROUND the street in the middle of the night. I apparently couldn't find my shoes, so I put Paul's shoes on, and, I went outside, and, started walking down the street.
Um. I was at that point going to Laura's.
I physically fought with Loraine.
I hexed the apartment.
I threatened to call the police on her, because, she slapped my face.
I HATE THE FUCKING POLICE.
Um..
I lost the lense for my glasses.
I sent a package of cigarettes flying into thin air.
This all happened in one fucking night.
And, that's only half of what I did, last night..
Kill me..xx
[Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : I Just Want To Be Held..Just For A Little While..<33
Posted Date: : Dec 2, 2007 6:00 PM
I have the feeling that this entry is going to be one hell of a ride. So, buckle up, yo. I don't wanna be like this, anymore. When I was in rehab, I found God, again. Jesus..And, then I got out, and, I once again, feel like I'm free-falling two thousand feet below to a watery grave. There is nothing EXCEPT Jesus that can stop this, and, I do trust Him. I'm trying..So hard. But, it's so hard to feel Him near me, now. Being out here in the 'real world' has it's many advantages, but, apparently more dis, then ad..
I have warrants.
I am wanting to see Laura C. She just got out of jail, and, I am oh so very scared that she is going to start doing drugs, again, and, that would hurt me, as well as her. I really do not believe that she knows exactly just how very much that she means to me.
I'm so scared..I am so scared. Of myself. Of feeling like this. I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS. And, like my song says, I am so tired of fighting this. I can't fight anymore. I'm losing me. I miss me. I wanna just..End.
I don't know what to do. The pain is coming back. Strong. So, strong.
I can't handle this. What do you do when the only thing that you want, is bad for you?? It was taken away from me, once. The real thing. I need you. I need you, please..Pain..God, please...Omg.
My girlfriend left me..I held on..For them.
My Mother died..I held on..For them..
My Daddy met Rosita..I held on..For them..
Damnit, I don't want to do it for them, anymore, and, if I cannot do it for myself, where does that leave me??
There is no comfort, anymore. There is no breathing inside, again. Please, just let me go..
Go to hell. All of you. All of me.
I don't want to wake up, anymore.
Someone save me? But, I know that you won't..
My life ended long ago, my soul died ages ago, and, I have held on..
And, now it is finally time to let go..I think.. Gosh, I am oh so very confused.
But, I will not pretend, anymore. Not for you. Not for anyone. This is what I am. This is who I am. If any of you cannot handle it, then just..Go. Go, before it's too late.
I am oh so very tired of taking care of the girls that I love, only to have them backstab me..I can't handle it, anymore. Call me weak. Call me a fucking coward. I care not, anymore..
This is the end of me, now..
I just want to be held..Just for a little while..<33
[Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : It Won’t Ever Stop..
Posted Date: : Nov 25, 2007 7:11 PM
Why hello..
God, it's been such a traumatizing year. I don't know where to begin, really. I've been through so much. It hurts just to think on it. I can't do this, here. I'm too close to it. Too close to myself. Too close to the girls who have hurt me. Too close and yet so far away from myself and all that I used to be as comparing it to the person that I need to be. Oh, God, will this ever stop?? The pain is not comforting, anymore, neither is the numbness anything but breath stopping. I am so scared, and, alone. Surrounded, yet isolated. Bombarded, but, alone. Make sense??
Here's some of my writing. Enjoy.
Underneath a cloudy sky I hide
From me
From you.
Will this never end? Whimpering softly I climb up to the highest mountain, and, cry.
In the deepest shadows I crawl, waiting for something to bleed dry. This blood-lust must be quelled. This thirst must be quenched.
Dying- I know that I am. I must be for what pain can be so great if not meant to leave me for dead in the Earth. Take this life of mine. Destroy what's left of me. For I have destroyed the good, long ago.
Now, I am left with my world, only this..Drowning in a dark watery grave.
.......................................................................................................................
Through my blinding rage
They don't get it, though they try in their own way.
They can't think of what to say, so they look away, hiding behind what they could never understand. Fake smiles line their faces, showing me only the emptiness reflected in my own.
Take me away from me.
Lead me away from myself.
Tell me a lie to soothe my soul.
Hurt me, girl, so I can suffer more.
For this is all that I know.
Tell me no truth, answer no righteous way.
Free me from the truth. Bind me to the lie.
As my fingers gingerly pick up the razor once more, the wounds that I inflict on myself sob for relief -
I wish for death.
Come and free me from this life, as the razor whispers the sweet comfort of the only truth that I have come to know.
'This is your freedom'.
........................................................................................................................
Standing on this rooftop, I look down, and, see the light of no more day. One leap will bring me the freedom that I so desire. And, this one leap. This one fall..IS my desire.
Laying on the floor, the razor in place on my wrist, my one last thought is a prayer for death. As I press down, the blood flows red, and, free, telling me the truth that is becoming a reality to me, slowly..I'll also be free, soon.
Holding this 44 to my head, I cry..Knowing that in this- my last two minutes on the Earth that noone will come for me. Even if they did. I'd turn them away.
I've always turned them away.
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Subject : GACK..
Posted Date: : Mar 26, 2007 1:31 PM
You know how when something bad keeps on happening, and, you keep letting it happen? Like, for example, a relationship, okay?? You're in this supposed realationship, and, the person continually fucks you over, but, just like a little puppy dog who gets kicked, you come back and smother it in kisses? That's my famous analogy, but, it describes me to a 'T'. I have no comprehensible idea why I do that, but, I seem to be completley disenfranchised, and, powerless to stop it from happening.
Until now..
I am finally stopping my self inflicted crucifixion, because, I realize once more that I have the power over myself, not her. Not Lauren. Me. I can't stand being hurt, and, making myself enfeebled simply because I want her to love me. She doesn't. She never has. She never will. I've done all that I can, and, have completley exasterbated all of my wherewithal to continue taking such abuse. I love like no other that I have ever met, in the simple fact, that no matter what you do, I'll always love you. Always. But, I allow myself to be belittled and humiliated, over, and, over again, and, it has to come to a cuspated stop, NOW. I will not allow myself to be a doormat, ever again. Do I love her? YES YES. Will I love her until my dying breath? YES. Will I allow her to hurt me anymore?? NO. Or at least I'll attempt vigiliantly not to allow that to happen. I love her, I want her, but, I'm realizing more and more that the feelings were never returned. I fought with her, I fucked her, but, she never loved me. Everyone was correct, except for myself. I can't stand that, really.
And, to top it all off, my heart is worse, and, hurting more, and, more, every single day. And, my pills are making me insusceptible, and, immune to them, therefore, today was the first day in forever, that I have been this fucking depressed.
Oh, yeah, and, I had a horrible dream that Ruby got shot to death.
I've been wayy to scared to phone her.
I really do hope that she's alright.
I can't take this pain, and, stress anymore, and, I don't know what to do about it. The doc's pills aren't working, anymore, and, I'm getting my old pal 'suicide' back into my ever waning mind.
I swear, my sanity has gone completley out of the preverbial window, these last months. Scratch that, years. I don't know what to do, anymore, and, I'm terrified of the future, because, all that it holds for me is certain death, and, I cannot seem to shroud what's happened to me in my life, anymore. If anyone out there knows how to live, and, be happy, and, have a girlfriend that loves them completley..Be happy about it, and, please, never, ever take her or him for granted, because, you never know when they will be gone, or, simply taken away from you. Live every moment as if it's going to be your last.
Please, I'm begging you, take care of your significant other, and, never allow them to feel as I do. Love them. Nurture them. Give them you're entire being, and, let them complete you, and, don't hold back, because, my life is a prime example of what can happen, if one is not as commited as the other. Please take my advice. Show them every single day that you care, not just with presents (although, that's always a bonus, hehe..), but, with a single word, a little brush of your lips against theirs, a squeeze of the hand, apatontheasshehe. Cook them dinner. Take them to a movie. Make love to them, don't simply fuck them. Make them feel like they are the only person in a room full of people, with eyes only for them. Hold their hand. Kiss them. Hug them. Cuddle with them. Smile at them. Give them that little special look, so that they know for sure and certain that they are your life. Don't ever take them for granted, for as I said, you don't know when they will be gone. But, above all..Love them.
xxXxx
[Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : ?/
Posted Date: : Mar 24, 2007 3:26 PM
These are two new ones written in 4 minutes, lol.
Opinions please??
1. Into this darkness I plunge. Forever lost to what I once knew. Tormented 'til the last- doomed to eternally walk among the damned. An endless life of anguish.
Take these chains from my wrists and make them your own.
for I will not see the light of day again.
Withought hope-living in abysmal fear.
Withought love- yearning forever.
This is my destiny, and all of you who walk in this silent darkness.
2. Creeping cold soaks my soul.
Chilling ice invades my memory.
Where has all the innosence gone??
This mortal coil a disastrous numbing mess.
Inside my mind there is a void that reaches to my very soul, corrupting the good that once was.
Once there was love----Nevermore to return.
Once there was hope---Shattered before my eyes.
Now I hide in shadows waiting for the dark that is to come.
[Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : 
Posted Date: : Feb 2, 2007 12:54 PM
Running into this wall again, I stand before you, now.
How many more times can this happen?
There is so much in this life that cannot be explained in words, yet, just one look, a word, a whisper can erase the doubts, and fear.
Stumbling in the dark, trying to see the light, I remember the time when nothing else mattered but you.
And I..
I can see what has happened here, so clearly.
What more can be done to make it right?
As I look into your eyes, I see once more, the rampant diseased pain that has left its mark.
Look up to the moon now. Let it soak into you, and soothe your troubled soul.
Falling to my knees, again, I find one more reason to give up in this darkness.
I want nothing more than to let this painful memory escape from my mind, seep from my soul, as the crimson drops begin to flow..Dark, red and free.
I stand again, but you push me back down, not letting me go.
Your hands grip my arm in your painful grasp, as I beg you not to do this, again.
You smile down at me, and then sneer 'why not? you know you want it'.
And, so I remain, unable to stop this, unwilling to make it go away.
Lying on the dark forest floor, only the moon as my comfort, I feel the tears begin to slip from my eyes.
I have nothing left now, but you. Only you, in my dreams. I try to move, but my eyes seem to be glazed, and, my limbs won't move. What is happening here? Am I really dying? I feel my body rise up, but wait. I see you then. The one from my dreams. Walking towards me, willing me to come closer.
I stand amazed, the vision does not cease. You take my hand, look me in the eyes, and, heal the wounds that noone has ever seen.
I've found a purpose now. In this frail life, nothing is wrong, nothing is right, only this. I wait for you to leave, but you don't. I tell you that I'm sure you're not going to stay, you must have someone else waiting for you. You only smile and tell me that there is noone else. You've come to stay in my heart. I look away, for a split second, and, you are gone. I look down and a lone rose is left behind. But, I feel you inside me, now.
Gazing slowly up at the moon, with my new eyes, I begin to smile.
I smile for the one whom I love.
The one who saved me.
The one who saw what noone else has seen in me.
Only you.
I press the rose to my heart, and slowly walk away.
We will meet, again..
[Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : I Have A Third Degree Felony.
Posted Date: : Jan 11, 2007 4:01 PM
I got arrested two nights ago.
Let me tell you, there is nothing scarier than your worst nightmare coming true.
From being yanked out of the car, to being called a 'fucking bitch' by police who don't even know your name, to being locked up in a cold dark damp smelly cell...That's it.
When they put me in there, I started crying. Didn't stop until last night, when I was finally bailed out.
Lauren and Jason were the ones who did it, really. She was sitting there waiting for me to get out, and, when I came through the door, with one of my cellmate chicks and saw Lauren...I was never happier to see anyone in my entire life.
I was so scared. I have a bad heart, and, they called the paremedics, who wanted to take me to the hospital straightaway. They told me that Jason was out there bailing me out, in 40 minutes, so I could either sit in the hospital for countless hours or wait for Jason to get me out, and, then he could take me to the hospital. I said that I would wait.
They lied to me, he didn't get me out.
I was trying to sleep on a hard board. I was so cold. And, scared. And, crying.
They wouldn't bring the ambulance back, they just kept saying no. I could have died. I will sue them if I can. They wouldn't give me any water or food.
Then next morning I was stuck with a whiny screaming cell mate next door and they took us to the Passaic prison.
Goddamnit.
That was 4455453246345645 times worse, let me tell you that.
No water.
NO food.
Nothing.
I wanted to die.
I called Loraine every 2 seconds who would then call Lauren and Jason and tell me what was going on.
I was determined to get out last night, otherwise, I know that I would have died.
I have to go to another hearing on Feburary 7th. If they sentance me to jailtime, I will kill myself.
I'm just letting you know, now.
I have a third degree felony, now.
I was so scared. I was sitting there crying every second. Everyone thought that I was fucking stupid. They told me to just accept it. But, I know myself. I would have killed myself or just faded away and died. I'm not designed to be in a jail cell.
I hate myself.
x
[Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : Please forgive me, becuase, I cannot forgive myself. xXx.
Posted Date: : Dec 19, 2006 5:33 PM
I love her so much.
But, death is the only way.
Jason, I'm so sorry.
God, why does everything fall apart?
Everytime I'm okay, I find out that I'm just a piece of shit.
Everyone thinks so.
Why shouldn't I?
For years now, everytime I've attempted to die, or wanted to, I'd have Bria, Tabby, or, Casey telling me that I needed to live for them.
When will people understand that I can't live for them anymore?
And, I cannot live for myself, so where does that leave me?
Dying, bleeding, broken, and, barely breathing.
Please don't think badly of me for all of the things that you all believe that I've done.
I never meant to hurt anyone, and god.
I just...I wanted someone to love me.
And, then when they did, I made them leave eventually, somehow.
Twisted...God.
What's wrong with me?
How can I love so much, yet everything turns around for the bad?
It's laying me down for the last time, tonight.
Drowning my will to live.
Here in the darkness is the only place that I know myself fully.
I can't break free of myself until I die.
Let me go.
ANYTHING is better than to be alone, do you realize that?
I don't have the strength to fight anymore.
I had to fall to learn that.
I found my place among the ashes of time.
I can't hold onto myself anymore.
There's something wrong with me.
Please, don't hate me now.
I can't keep locking everything up inside, and, letting it out at the wrong times.
I'm dying...
I've been dying for years.
I need this.
Remember that all alone is where I have always belonged.
Just forgive me, because I cannot forgive myself.
Goodbye. x
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Subject : Please forgive me, becuase, I cannot forgive myself. xXx.
Posted Date: : Dec 19, 2006 5:33 PM
I love her so much.
But, death is the only way.
Jason, I'm so sorry.
God, why does everything fall apart?
Everytime I'm okay, I find out that I'm just a piece of shit.
Everyone thinks so.
Why shouldn't I?
For years now, everytime I've attempted to die, or wanted to, I'd have Bria, Tabby, or, Casey telling me that I needed to live for them.
When will people understand that I can't live for them anymore?
And, I cannot live for myself, so where does that leave me?
Dying, bleeding, broken, and, barely breathing.
Please don't think badly of me for all of the things that you all believe that I've done.
I never meant to hurt anyone, and god.
I just...I wanted someone to love me.
And, then when they did, I made them leave eventually, somehow.
Twisted...God.
What's wrong with me?
How can I love so much, yet everything turns around for the bad?
It's laying me down for the last time, tonight.
Drowning my will to live.
Here in the darkness is the only place that I know myself fully.
I can't break free of myself until I die.
Let me go.
ANYTHING is better than to be alone, do you realize that?
I don't have the strength to fight anymore.
I had to fall to learn that.
I found my place among the ashes of time.
I can't hold onto myself anymore.
There's something wrong with me.
Please, don't hate me now.
I can't keep locking everything up inside, and, letting it out at the wrong times.
I'm dying...
I've been dying for years.
I need this.
Remember that all alone is where I have always belonged.
Just forgive me, because I cannot forgive myself.
Goodbye. x
[Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : Drunk
Posted Date: : Dec 18, 2006 9:57 AM
I got really drunk with Chris, and, Teresa last night.
Hahaha.
Okay, so we were sitting there...I'm in the middle, Chris is on my right, and, Teresa's on the left.
We were singing Shania Twain's 'I'm gonna get ya good', and, 'Man, I feel like a woman'.
Chris kept getting me off key, because, he was singing like a.....girl.
Hahahaha.
Um.
Then I kinda was like getting into my horny phase, as I so often do when I'm drunk.
God.
I HAD FUN, lemme put it to you that way.
I ended up knocking the dvd players off the tv. -_-.
Yer, I like to fuck when I'm drunk.
Hahahaha.
And, I did.
And, guess what?
I finally walked out of the bedroom, and, I didn't know that Rosie was on the couch, and, I was like 'MOVE'. When she didn't, I poked her in the eye, and, then punched her in the mouth, apparently.
I don't rememeber that.
Ah, this is why I don't get drunk too often.
It was mucho fun, though.
I think that we're going to do it again, tonight.
The drinking, I mean.
xXx.......
[Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : What The Fuck.......
Posted Date: : Dec 16, 2006 1:37 AM
I hurt now more than I ever thought was possible. I've tried to not think about it. I've tried to ignore this. I've tried to block it, drag it, kicking and screaming out of me, but, I cannot. I've done everything physically, and, I thought mentally possible to stop hurting.
Casey......Then Lauren...God. Please somebody just save me from this.
I don't know what to do, I'm losing control of me.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
Why do I love so strongly? I hate it. I want it gone.
I want me gone.
I just don't know what to do.
Nobody undestands. Not really. They try. They love me, they comfort me, they help me, in their own way, but, I'm realizing more and more now that........Nobody can save me from what is inevitebally going to happen. And, soon......I will die. End of story. Kaput. Blah. Finito. Zip. AND, THERE'S ABSOLOUTLEY nothing that can be done. Who can I blame? Casey? Lauren? Myself? Yes, that's the one. ME. I DID THIS TO MYSELF. But how? All that I did was give my love......
See, my love is this thing that once you obtain it...Only death seperates you from my love.
I don't know what to do, anymore.
I'm breaking up inside. Again. Over and over and over and over, IT NEVER STOPS.
And, when it does stop, it's only for a certain amount of time, yet, it always disappears. If I'm happy, it is always followed by an even longer stretch of pain, and, anguish.
I might sound very dramatic to you, but, I promise you that this is the mild part of me.
I'm not the only one.
But, I'm the only one who can understand me, and, now that I can't.......Where does that leave me?
Grieving, hurt, lost, and, bleeding........
Again.
Oh god, I think that I am going to just....Explode from this.
I don't know what to do......
I can't make it, right now...
God, it never ends...
I'M THE SACRIFICE....MY SOUL...HOW CAN I MAKE SOMEONE UNDERSTAND?
If I can't feel anymore........I'M NOT REAL....I'm just here...
I'm not alive inside, so WHY do I have to keep on living? I stopped breathing inside a long time ago, why can't I make it match, on the outside?
I can't.....God, I'm going to break.
I don't have anything left, anymore. I have.....Zilch.
God, my heart is in so many pieces, and, I can't be fixed.
Let me go, please...
I don't want to love, anymore.
I can't shut it off.
I'm so alone, and, far away...I'm not even part of this world, anymore.
WHY CAN'T YOU FEEL ME CALLING YOUR NAME?
Oh, god. It's breaking me.
You can't find the words to make me better.
So, I'll bleed forever...
I'm lost, to you now.
I would have run forever to get you back.
I can't grieve anymore, I'm dying.
Kill.
[Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : The Truth, Ye.
Posted Date: : Nov 29, 2006 5:02 PM
God. What a traumatizing year.
Yeah, so I met this chick named Lauren last February online. We were both doing a little roleplaying game, and, it started out like that.
Then one night, I decided that I wanted to talk to her on the phone, so, I asked her if I could call her. She said yes, and, at that point we both (So I THOUGHT) had really not true feeings for the other.
Then we continued speaking on the phone. I fell in love with the person that she pretended to be. That person was one of the most loving people that I have ever met. But, it wasn't real.
Then I met her in person, and, things started off...Really fast...We just were together, then we weren't. Then we were...You get the idea...
She told me that she loved me, and, after a long time of torment from her, I actually HEARD her telling Jason (My other half) that it was all just a game to her, and, it was 'SO EASY' to mess with my head.
Of course it was.
I was born with the natural ability to love...A love so deep that anyone who happens to befall themselves in front of me will have me forever...I love so deeply that it's creepy. But, it's a love that...Lasts forever, no matter what.
And, she took the one thing that I had...The one thing about me that was pure, and, untouched, and, undefiled, and, twisted it into something horrible.
Then right before we both went our seperate ways, we were in the house and she came up to me, and, told me that 'she really was in love with me, it just took her this long to realize it'.
When she told me that, I picked up a knife, then threw it down, and, ran out of the house. I just had to get out. I couldn't take that...That was the very last thing that I'd ever have wanted to hear, at that point.
My soul is still connected to Casey, my ex, but, I never thought that I could love someone, again...She killed a part of me that I'd never thought I posessed.
Then this happened, and, I...It's like seeing yourself in a reflection as a new beautiful person, and, reaching out to touch it, and all of a sudden the glass shatters into your hands, your face...Then you're bleeding. Bleeding so much that you think that you will die.
Yet it never stops.
You bleed forever...
Oh, god what have I done?
I don't know what to do.
I wish that I had killed myself, instead of pretending to.
I hate me for being so gullible.
But, I cannot stop this stupid love from flowing out me.
WHY DO I CARE ABOUT PEOPLE SO FUCKING MUCH?
I'd give anything in this world to not have love for anyone.
I'm sorry. xXx
[Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : trish is gone
Posted Date: : Nov 22, 2006 9:48 AM
my name is jason. i was a close personal friend of 'Kat' -Trish- this was what happened. please read anyone that cared about her.
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7:35 AM 11/22/06 jason j (cm7777777@hotmail.com)
To: southernbelle2002@hotmail.com (southernbelle2002@hotmail.com)
Subject: It's over
first my mother screwed me over and now this happy thanksfuckingday. I just don't give a damn about anything anymore
Rosie just called 20 minutes ago. she got a call a couple of hours ago from the police. they had found the missing person they were looking for, trish. in a park by a lake. the cops approached her and she started to run but she ran into one of them she started fighting with them and started to go into convulsions. she was extremely strong and was throwing the cops around as they tried to restrain her two more showed up. 5 of them couldn't control her. the convulsions increased as she fought them. finally she stopped and fell holding her chest. the only word she said that they could understand was Lauren.
rosie called theresa whocame and got her and they went where the police told them to. they saw her body, rosie id'd it but they wouldn't let them touch her. they just got home.poor rosie she doesn't need this she has enoughon her plate to deal with. she thought they were getting on really well
this is way too much for me to handle and i'm going silent maybe for good. i don't feel like talking to anyone on the phone or internet so don't bother
i need to sign on her bebo and say this as she had given me her code in case she succeeded in her dream of ending her pain. one of only a couple requests she ever made of me. never took her serious enough cuz i alwys thought i could stop her if given the chance. her heart wass the one thing i couldn't save. reality sucks
now my life is empty my heart drained tears washing the ashes on the keyboard fromher everywhere i turn i'm reminded of a real friend if not my best friend who is no more. the second time this has happened to me. next time let it be me that's taken. i can't deal with this anymore
no more i'm done. my faith in God prevents me from ending my pain so i have to suffer endlessly as i always have. this time worse than ever as my body starts to fail. let it come. i can fight no longer. i have no reason to. take care have an ice whatever. no wonder i hate holidays.
I just posted an e-mail to a mutual friend of ours cuz i don't feel like repeating myself. no energy. no desire. Emily/Falon/Trish was a great friend and a remarkable person. I had the priveledge of living with her for 3 months. the best time of my life. She was the most loving and loveable persons you ever could meet. To her enemies, you don't know what you missed. To her friends, she loved you all more than you know. This isn't the first best friend I've lost. but it will be the last. I cannot deal with this cruelness of life. It's toll is relentless. Why can't it all just stop.
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Listing 1-5 of 7 12of 2 Next ›
Subject : WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
Posted Date: : Nov 10, 2006 11:27 PM
So, after everything that Lauren has put me through emotionally, today was the cherry on the top.
I came back from Michigan correctly this time. My head was on straight.
Then today, she basically told me that she knew that I was pretending to like her recently, and, that she needs me more than anyone in the world, and, that she cares about me as more than a friend, but, she said that she fucked that up.
That threw my head off track. I'm fucked up, right now.
I ran out of here, intent on killing myself, but, then called Bob, who came and picked me up.
We got back, I told him what happened, he came up here, and, told Lauren basically to leave within the next few days, and, she took a bottle of Benadryl, and, a knife, and, wrote us a note telling us that she was going to kill herself, then ran out of the house.
I found the note right away, and, took the car keys, and, went looking for her.
I couldn't find her, so, I came back, and, picked up Bob, and, we drove around looking.
Still couldn't find her.
I called the cops.
They came, and, to make a very long story short, she walked in the door, with the male cop, whilst me, Bob, the female Police officer, and, Nola (The woman who lives with her family downstairs) stood upstairs, talking.
They took her away to the hospital in an ambulance, to be evaluated.
She hates hospitals.
She hates cops.
She's surrounded by all of them now.
I am so drained.
My heart condition is only worsened by this.
They left about half an hour ago.
I wish to die.
xXx,
[Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : Heartbroken or dangerous? Which have I become?
Posted Date: : Oct 24, 2006 11:17 AM
There's this thing inside of me, this morbid longing to simply say yes to death, but to look it square in the eye whilst doing so. Not in defeat, exactly, but, rather with the knowledge that you've done what you can to resist, and, still be open to the distinct realization that all is lost.
Despite the valiant efforts of those around you to become your saviour, the realization that as I said...All is lost.
Fall in love with the sin, pay the devil. Fall in love with the Devil, there's hell to pay.
Either way, you lose and stand there undressed, naked, completley exposed that which you've sold your soul to keep hidden, forever.
What is it about this journey that keeps people travelling it? If you take an honest introspective look at it, it becomes vividly clear in all of its rotten bleakness. Some people are content not asking why, and expecting an answer in return. I, on the other hand am not. Is this mortal coil worth the pain, the tears, the extreme agony for a few seconds of pleasure and joy that you create for yourself, or, recieve along the way?
And, they really believe that praying to their God will do anything but give them a false hope of what will never be? CURSE this God and wake up to realize that there is noone who is going to rescue you. Noone to save us now. All is lost. Yet, here I remain, still a slave to that which can never be, again.
What is normality? Honestly, it's people walking about acting like they haven't a care in the world, denying what they hope noone can see but everyone does.
There is no darkness blacker that living in denial of reality.
You may never be able to comprehend what I am speaking of, but maybe someday you will, and, maybe someday I will no longer care. God help you and me both when that day comes.
Covering your eyes with a blanket of denial to the truth may provide a comforting blanket for now, but just wait. Someday, someone will rip that completley off of you and you'll finally be the one who is left in the cold.
Elbereth bless you and help you. Believe me, you're going to need it.
In me, you will find many secrets. Many dreams. Many thoughts. Many lies. Many answers to your questions. And, most of all many mysteries.
For that is what I am, and, shall remain to those who cannot see past their own blindness. Enjoy your ignorance while it lasts, because trust me, it will come to an abrupt end. See where you are now, but who will be there to save you when all is dark and you finally realize exactly what you really are?
What you know in your head, and what you've been told about me, will take you only so far. But, what your heart tells you is for all eternity, the truth, forevermore.
The future is like this black dark hole, lined with the sharpest razorblades. So go on, and jump into the unknown.
I dare you. x
[Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : I just wrote this
Posted Date: : Oct 23, 2006 12:36 PM
FAKE (n. / adj.) -anything made to appear otherwise than it actually is; counterfeit; to pretend something in which is otherwise.
girls.
girls.
are mean, and heartless,
and cold. and jealous. what?
that's right, i said it. jealous.
did i stutter?
girls.
let me tell you something
that you should never forget.
i will always be prettier
than your personality
i will always be prettier
than your crooked smile
fake.
"all the way from her dyed hair
to her abercrombie jeans."
so what i dye my hair. and i wear
hollister. "fake". that's me.
that's sarcasm
her name is kim. or nicole.
or something. i don't care.
i don't know her. but she's
"heard all about me" so she
knows she doesn't like me.
i'm sorry, what was your name?
thanks for taking the time
to talk about me. thanks for making
me the center of your world.
that's genuine.
glare.
keep staring, i love it.
"look at her she's so ugly."
then why am i surrounded
by your boyfriends?
"look at her, she's so dumb."
well, i'm smart enough to know
that i don't need your approval.
"look at her, she's so conceited."
no, i'm just happy with myself.
"look at her, she'll never be like us"
i know.
talk.
keep talking.
you know me so well.
don't you? you think so.
tell me girls, why do i
constantly forget you exist?
tell me girls, why do you
care what i do? tell me
girls, why do you obsessively
ask about me?
i suggest you get a life
and stop looking into mine
fake.
you're right.
i do pretend.
to know your name.
to accept your apology.
i do pretend.
when i acknowledge you
in public,when i
include you in conversations.
when i speak to you with a
smile. fake. you've got me
figured out. but i've got you
on far worse grounds.
fake.
your clothes are just like mine.
your music is just like mine.
your friends are just like mine.
your makeup, your hair, your words.
looks as though i've got some
competition for that label.
next time you talk.
talk loud.
next time you hurt.
make it bleed.
next time to you see me.
i'll see right through.
that's a promise
you don't want fake friends?
i don't want fake enemies.
stab me in the back a little
harder, i keep forgetting to
feel the sting.
conclusion:
a sharp tounge slits it's own throat.
so with any luck, you'll keep talking.
[Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : The Only Comfort Of The Dead Is To Cry For What Once Was.
Posted Date: : Oct 23, 2006 8:17 AM
Love-what a bitter twisted thing, designed only to sow hatred, discord, and, isolation-breeded by terror. Something that mankind was made to suffer in. A black hole, filled with the sharpest razors, just waiting for the next willing victim. The walls stained with the blood of countless others.
That is all what you who know me, would probably expect to hear me say.
But, this time, you'd be completley wrong, ye.
My desires are but a sin to me, and my love so willingly given like the rain on a starving desert-Misunderstood, yet ever present.
That's all that I had, see. Love. The one thing that never fails. Yet, at such a young age, I learned that there is always a price to pay, a piper to recon with, a God to bow before. Then, where does that leave the love?
The only comfort of the dead is to cry for what once was.
The feel of longing, so desperate, so innocent, so blindly unaware of the cruelty that lies ahead. Eiether way it will eventually be taken, and, shredded into a million pieces.
Oh, god how I loved her. So lost I was in that love that I didn't heed the beating of my own heart. I only wanted love. Love such as I had to give. Freely...Forever...
Oh, what makes them act as they do? Filling up their lives, wasting time on things of no consequence whatsoever. It does not serve to either remove, or heal their pain, only a fleeting distraction. A waste of time, essentially. Precious time.
I may have fallen from what I once loved, yet He as well will remain in my heart, this Jesus who has forsaken me. In these last moments what I have to say are from the bottom of my heart, however black. Though you may not understand them, these the words of a broken heart. I had but one thing which you could, nobody could-they couldn't take away from me. Love. This love. I can't make it stop and it knows no bounds.
Forgive me, please. For in myself I can spare none for me. No love can save me now. This burning mess, ashes from the core of my shell.
A secret left untold. A curse left undone. A thrill left unexpieranced. A flower left unopened. A song left unsung. A pain so deep that I cannot resurface ever again. You've lost me now. Oh, god I cannot make it stop. Please shorten the pain of those that I love and give them solace in this time.
MY sin, yes but born and acted out from this soul that truely knew the meaning of love. Withought question, withought hesitation, withought conditions. Holding nothing back. They may have crushed my heart, but my spirit will live on in you, in them. In all who truely believe in this precious thing called love.
An unopened flower is but for a time. The seasons will pass, and, with it comes the opening of the petals. However, far away, my heart still bleeds because of her. Of all of those that plucked, and, crushed the life out this flower inside of me. But, it all started with her. My first love.
My sparkle is now gone, but the glow will live on in the hearts of those that I loved.
Remember menot as the sad one, the one withought hope. Rather, only remember me as I will remember all of you. With the magic of
Love.
xXx
[Edit] [Delete] [View Comments] Subject : TO WHOMEVER HACKED THIS ACCOUNT, AND MY BEBO..YOU FUCKING SUCK..
Posted Date: : Apr 3, 2006 11:01 PM
Someone has hacked my MySpace and changed the password, so if anything weird happens, that isn't like me....That's why. They've hacked my Bebo, as well, and I'm fucking sick and tired of you assholes who are wanting to know me to know Emma fucking Watson. LEAVE ME ALONE.
Right...Now..
<3..
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