 POW!
80 Degrees outside. sun was shinning and not a cloud in the sky. I started my day off trying to get a grumpy man out of bed to make sure he made it to his am class. no big. I would be grouchy too at 6:30 am. after boyfriend left my sis let me borrow her car to go visit with some friends but gave me a 2 hour limit since she had to be somewhere. Cool. only problem... I had no friends available at 8 am to go to breakfast and/coffee with. No big. I treated myself to coffee and went to the store and did some shopping. bought myself a cute lil dress (which I wore today  and was adorable if I might add. ) boyfriend came back and we took a drive and ended up getting some food and a nice restaurant. Sweet.
The downer.. it was only 4pm and the sun made it clear it was not planning on going anywhere anytime soon.. boyfriend said he was tired and wanted to go home. so I asked if it would be ok with him if I spent some times with the girls. "Sure, I'll drop you" he said. so I went.. I even texted him to let him know we changed locations and decided to go to the lake and that I had arranged a ride home. everything seemed to be going good. until I put my phone down and missed a few of his calls. Of course he jumped to conclusions and started getting angry that I didn't answer instead of asking me why I didn't answer and let that be that. according to him, He had let that go.
My ride was gonna leave right after the lake but my best friend wanted me to stay a little longer for dinner and said she would take me home. ok. So I went. I ended up getting elected to cook dinner that night since no one really felt like cooking and they wanted something different. I made a childhood favorite of mine. Which was delish! while I was cooking, I again missed a few phone calls from boyfriend. he got mad of course. I tried to explain my hands were wet and I didn't hear the phone ringing in the first place (music was playing in the kitchen. My secret ingredient to any of my cooking) but, he didn't hear me. He told me I fucked up and now he was done with me. he told me he was going to come and get me but for 1, I wasn't ready to leave and 2, I didn't want him coming over there with all that animosity. (background story: boyfriend and best friend don't get along as well as i would hope) that would have fueled the fire and I would have been caught in the middle.  so again he was angry with that decision. but I was upset that I couldn't make that decision on my own. and that he got mad so I had to leave and go home to do what?? argue?? today was too gorgeous of a day to spend in an argument. so I told him that if he felt the need to pack up and leave to do just that. I was just honestly fed up with the threats of him leaving me that I called him on it. why would I want someone who constantly used that as ammo. It felt liberating but at the same time stressful. I don't understand why we all just can't get along and be happy. most of the time.
jumping to the end of my story. I stayed at my friends house til now. 12:30am. figuring it would give him to time to either calm down or get out. I just don't feel like arguing. with anybody. when I came home, indeed, his shit was packed. now here I lay on his side of the bed. I want him to come home, I do. but I want him to want to come home and want to just be happy that I was safe and had a good time. I called. even though he said he wouldn't answer and that he would be changing his number. all of this is soo petty. minute. small. simple. it really shouldn't be this hard. I wish he would realize that he is a little pass the line of overbearing and somewhat controlling. I know this because of what he said "your gonna find out what frustrated feels like." like I would be hurting without him. I don't NEED him for more than his compassion, company and love. Money? I got mine, It's not a lot but It's enough. a ride? No problem. I can take the bus, walk or situate my own ride. sex? I got toy. lol tmi I know but I do. I don't know if he knows that. but I want him around for that reason and nothing else. I enjoyed taking the bus. It was exercise and it gave me time to listen to my music and get right before I got to work. not to mention it was cheaper than gas..
There's no real reason to be frustrated with him leaving me cause I will be able to get by without, I've done it for 21 years before him I can do it again. I prayed that he was safe and that somehow he would understand that I have needs and wants of my own. I hope we work out but if it isn't our time I don't want him to keep thinking of me in the wrong light. everything he tries to tell me I am. I'm not. and I know I'm not. I know I'm not perfect and that I don't know everything. I know that I'm open and that I can learn from my mistakes and try things new ways. I can compromise, but I can't compromise all that makes me me.
conclusion: really haven't came to one yet. except that I feel troubled. I can feel that he's troubled. But how can you help someone who doesn't want your help???
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Diary added to your faves.
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