Whatever is not

04/15/2009

I can't even think of a worthwhile topic to type about right now, I think I'm mostly doing this entry just because I wish I made more. Oh well, I'm sure I will eventually. I wish I could get into a career that involved risking my life almost constantly. I think it would be pretty fun. There's nothing like the rush of coming inches from death. I've always found it pretty exhilarating. Enough of that though. I need to find a purpose, a path, a direction, a trail, a view even of that will lead me towards what I ultimately want. I suppose I've got plenty of time though. There's always time. Assassin's Creed II comes out this winter. Little random note there. Fucking badass game. I still have dreams like I used to have, some new ones as well. I don't really know what they mean yet. That I should go back maybe, or go forward, even though going forward in one of the situations just wouldn't make any sense at all. That dream was very nice, but ultimately impossible. As far as I can tell at least. Going back..... and interesting concept. Would it make sense? Would I really want to? Would anything good really come of it? Would it be worth it? I think that is the best question. Would it be worth it? I suppose there is a third direction, and that is to forget everything and do whatever comes to be. This third option is the most appealing. Far less possible consequences. As my mind wonders, I always remember things I try to push away. Hell, I'm always thinking about things I would rather not have in my mind. But what the fuck can I do about it? Deal with it, which is what I've been doing about most things in my life lately. I find much more peace when I just ignore other than acting upon situations. If I keep to myself, I feel better about everything. Yet there is always one huge thing missing. One very important thing that I fear I won't find for a very long time. It will be worth the wait though. I know it will. If it weren't, it wouldn't be so important. Overall, it's one big issue of patience, which I fortunately seem to have limitless amounts of. Good for me I suppose. Though I like some dreams, I think most that I have would be better off non-existent, because I only like them when I'm asleep.

(I know that no one will understand any of this, but that's ok)

"I live this life for no one else,
save your judgements for yourself" Holy Roller - Throwdown.

When you're not good enough, when everything takes a turn for the worse. Hope will never disperse.


j