I completely forgot that I had this thing... again... but I'm not going to write this and put it on myspace, because there are people on there who would see it... and I'm honestly not in the mood. Apparently the world here gets to be special enough to see it. Saying it to myself is only making things worse, but I don't know what saying it aloud is going to do. I'm not a depressed person, so to speak. I mean... I have a place to live (for the moment) I have food (sometimes)... I'm not majorly sick. Life is still a place where I can live... there are people that I care about and people that care about me... but I'm beginning to really see how much I don't.... work... around people. How much I don't like who I am anymore.
I was looking at some pictures of myself yesterday and it's really kind of painful to see me when I was 17... I wasn't happy back then, either. I've been dealing with issues since I was 8 years old that have to do with my family and their acceptance of me, if I were to ever come outright and tell them the truth. However, that stuff is manage-able. Honestly, don't bother me that much anymore unless I think about it. What hurts when I look at that picture... is that I didn't look so fucking defeated. I was in some goofey version of love that was more idealistic than anything else, and even though that turned out to crash and burn, I was still fine. I slipped into something of a depression over it... but it was nothing... NOTHING! in comparison to how I am now. It was really that event that led me to where I am right now, and I usually say that I don't regret my past, but... for just this minute, I'm wondering if maybe I would like to just change one thing... because I know if I did, I would be a completely different person right now. If I had never met Thomas, I would have never moved into my sisters house and found myself 'depressed' because my boyfriend turned out to be an asshole who left me with his half of the rent. (Like I said, that didn't even really bother me.) But... if I hadn't had my depression? I wouldn't have been on the fucking computer constantly, and I wouldn't have met Lisa... and I wouldn't have been introduced to Kris. Irrevocable things that I'm never going to be able to change, but for the first time I really am wondering if things would be better if I could. I look at all of the things that I stand to lose - my friends, people I love, people I really care about, events that shaped me into who I am... but if I could change it, I wouldn't be the fucking person that I am right now.
I'm not going to go into extreme detail about everything that happened with Kris... I don't want to. I've made peace with that shit and let her go - honestly, I realized today that I really and truly hate her. I've said it before, but I meant it for the first time today. I'm not designed to be around people anymore. Because of a year and a half of psychological abuse from someone who I really loved, the person that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with... I don't trust people. At all. Regardless as to how innocent an action is, I'm looking for the motive behind it. At the same time, I'm looking for a way that I can apologize for something that I haven't even DONE yet. I hate myself... and I no longer seem to have any type of self worth. Everything inside of me seemed to be shredded and shattered, and it's left me completely and utterly unable to put even an ounce of trust into any person. What's worse? I have the mental fucking mind frame that... that... what? It's not the persons fault. No... that I deserve anything that they might do, that.... I don't know, that I'm not worthy of them being trustworthy.
What's wrong with me... what's wrong with me? I don't trust people and I feel worthless. I do a very good job at pretending to be happy. Hell, I am happy sometimes... but then I am talking to someone, and all of these thoughts suddenly come into my mind. Or worse... the silence. How funny is that? I can't trust people, but I really am not a person who was designed to be alone. I have insomnia like you wouldn't believe. I just came off of a three day session with no sleep... and I still only got about 4 hours this morning... but when things are quiet, and I'm by myself... every ugly thought in my head comes to the surface, and I can't do anything to stop it. I am literally defenseless as it beats against me and wears me down. About... 10 minutes before I started typing this, I was having a conversation with one of my very good friends... and I suddenly wrapped my arms around my waist and felt like I was having to cover up some giant hole ripped in my center where Amanda used to be... and I told them that I had to go. I curled up on my side and said, "Maybe I should just stop talking to people. Maybe I should go and get a job, work and go to school constantly." And I had this image in my head - me in an apartment, spending the rest of my life curled up just like I was then... arms around my waist, holding myself together... alone.
"You really are pathetic."
The particularly nasty voice in my head said that (Yeah, bestie... if you read this, you know the one.) You're pathetic, and you should just accept it. Maybe if you accepted it, accepted what I'm saying right now, things would get better... don't you want to? Don't you want it to stop hurting?
...not like that. I don't want to hate myself - I don't want to be some empty, shattered thing. I don't want every memory and every happy moment that I have to be chased by the realization that I'll always have doubts of it's sincerity. I don't know how to fix myself... I'm a fucking trained monkey now - congrats Kris... you win. I'm broken... and I'm finally admitting it. |
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