This is me, not sleeping | 10/16/2010 |
but I'm too tired to think
I'm fucking exhausted but I can't sleep. I am in so much pain that I couldn't if I tried. Trust me, I'd LOVE to. But I know it's a lost cause. I'm tempted almost to go back to the ER because of the pain in and of itself, but I know there's nothing they could do more then give me lortab or something and send me home, maybe keep me for a D&C that I'd rather avoid if possible. I've never had a miscarriage this early be this physically painful.
Kyle and I bought pumpkins to carve and a bottle of wine while we were out this afternoon. Had a couple glasses of wine and carved them up this evening after the kids went to bed. Originally we were going to wait until closer to Halloween to carve pumpkins, but, I think we both kindof needed the distraction tonight. There's still about another glass of wine left in the bottle, and I'm tempted to go ahead and drink it, since it won't be good tomorrow (Pink Champagne), but I don't know. I don't care really. I'm kindof void of any true emotion at this point. I wasn't excited about being pregnant, I can't lie, I wasn't happy at all. The timing was horrible. But now, I feel so incredible guilty for not being excited about this baby when I had the chance. Wouldn't it be beautiful if life had a rewind button?!
Kyle was sick most of the day....he got pretty drunk last night once everything went downhill, and as much as he swore it was a stomach flu (because it lasted too far into the day to be a hangover) I really thin it was from drinking too much. He drank from about 3 til about 630 and then went to sleep...neither of us went to sleep til then really. He swore it was a stomach flu, but...no, I don't think so. I tried babying him today though, pushed fluids down him constantly til he threw up a couple times and felt better. It kills me how upset he is about all this. Like me, he wasn't terribly excited about the pregnancy, due to the timing, but I think that he was clinging to hope of them being wrong, too. I know I was.
Keeping things upbeat for the kids. They didn't know I was pregnant, so they don't know I'm not anymore, so they don't understand why I am sad. I'm trying to keep things positive around them though. I know it's what they need more then anything.
 
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so sorry you had to go through this. I know its would be devastating, if you need anything i can lend an ear. 