Chapter 3:
I wish I could tell you that the whole out of body experience with the Devil was an eye-opener for me. I wish I could tell you that I never made a mistake like that again. That’s just not the case in my situation. A week or so later, after spending days upon days with Dean completely sober, we decided it just didn’t make any sense to leave something so fun alone just because of one simple mistake.
“Okay, we just won’t take more than 16. That couldn’t be nearly as bad as I got on 24.” I gave him a sly smile and pulled two unopened boxes out of my purse.
We went back to our normal routine but never took more than 16 pills. We would pop the pills, get it on as long as we possibly could, and then wait for the pills the kick in just minutes later. We usually had about an hour and a half to work with while we were waiting for the effects. When it would finally hit me, it was like I was being knocked backwards by some unseen physical force. I would have to watch myself because I remember at one point hitting my head on the wall because it was so powerful. All the sudden, everything would sound like an echo to me and I would have that same coherency problem where I would hear music or what people were saying to me, but I couldn’t remember it for any amount of time. It was almost as if I had dreamt it and it was just in the lining of my memory, unreachable.
Every day at school I would take my pills, go to first period and wait for my dream world to encompass me so that I didn’t have to deal with reality. By 4th or 5th period I would be on my way home because I threw up again. I would go back to the doctor yet again and tell them some dimwitted excuse about how my birth control wasn’t the right one for me. I would tell them it had to be the cause for me getting sick, because I didn’t take any other kind of medicine.
I didn’t realize until later in life how much those pills changed me. I was lying at any necessary points to keep anyone from finding out my secret that could get me in trouble for it. I never had any sort of background with lying. I was actually quite terrible at it until I had a serious reason to do it. But when you have to lie every day about the same thing, more and more clever ideas start popping into your head.
Dean and I were more inseparable than ever before. Since we were now and item, we were never found apart. Life seemed like a fairy tale. I never had to worry as long as I never got caught. Though I think that was the fun part; sneaking around. By the time I turned 16 I had been sneaking so much, I was sure it was impossible to catch my sly ass.
It may seem quite repetitive, but to me, every day was a new experience. It was a new way to test the drug. I would try spinning around in circles, jumping to greater heights, and actually braving the outside world. Going outside was unlike anything I had ever experienced. It all seemed so big around me. I was an ant in the dirt, waiting to be stepped on.
One of my other favorites was getting high and turning on my strobe light and my black light. I had a black light sensitive Marilyn Manson poster and would stare at it for hours while listening to “Dissociative” and wondering where my life had gone.
Dean and I were always huge Manson fans. He was the light at the end of my dark tunnel. His music made me realize that someone else in the world felt the way I did. I got my hands on his autobiography and read it in a day. I wanted to know everything about him and I felt that I could relate to him. I had also gone to a Christian school and questioned everything I was ever taught. It never made sense to me as to why they only answered either “only God knows,” or “that’s something bigger than us.” I guess I wanted to go to the “I must see to believe” way of life.
I was surrounded by Baptists my entire young adult life. Not that it was a problem in any way, but I suppose maybe I just felt sheltered and wanted to explore other options. At the time, I thought I was an Atheist, but I was really just Agnostic. There is actually a huge difference and I was too young to know or care about that. I thought it was cool to be an Atheist and everyone thought I was anyway because of my Tripp clothes. I was determined not to care what people thought of me. Of course it was a good way to live except that I may have taken it a tad too far.
One evening, Dean and I were hanging out and his neighbor showed up at the door. Her name was Christine and I couldn’t stand her. I was informed when we were best friends that he used to sneak into her window and sleep with her on numerous occasions.
“What is she doing here? I thought you said you guys broke up?” Christine began yelling as soon as she saw me standing behind Dean at the door.
There was an incident where Dean tried to talk me out of coming, but eventually gave in to my begging.
“What are you talking about? You’re just trying to cause shit. Just leave.” He replied, giving her an eye that he didn’t know I saw. He was using his expressions to tell her that I didn’t know about them. Okay.
I got heated immediately and decided to tell her what I thought. “Look, bitch, I’m not here to fight for anyone. Please don’t mistake me for someone that would sink to that level. Let me get a ride and get out of here and you can have him.”
“Jenn! No! It’s not like that! I don’t know what she’s talking about!” He exclaimed nervously. He knew I didn’t believe him though. I could almost read his mind sometimes. We were quite bonded.
I called my mother and waited patiently by the road. By that time, though, I was starting to get high. We had already taken our pills because I wasn’t supposed to stay there that long. When my mom arrived I was so buzzed I could hardly talk.
“What happened?” She asked me, seeing that I was upset.
“Another girl.” I slurred. I didn’t want to go into detail because she might have been able to tell something was different by my voice.
“Oh. I had so much hope for him. He’s such a sweet boy.”
“Obviously not. I thought he was too though. It’s okay. I just want to go lay down.”
We didn’t live far from his house so we arrived shortly after that. I stumbled into my room and crashed onto the bed. I didn’t know what to do, but I knew I wanted to do something crazy. I picked up the cell phone my mom had gotten me for my 16th birthday and called Megan. I called the very person who had helped me get started on this horrible road that I called life.
“Hey, Jenn! What’s up?” She said after I told her who I was.
“Dean and I broke up. I need to get out this weekend.” I replied.
“Wow, okay. Not to make you feel bad or anything, but he was never good for you. But yeah, why don’t you come over to my house and stay the night Friday? I was going to invite you anyway because I’m having my birthday party. My mom will be gone!”
“Okay! That sounds great! Thanks, Megan.”
“No problem.”
We got off the phone and I immediately wished that I could just sleep for the next three days until Megan’s party. Her mom was one of those “cool” moms that grew weed in her backyard and let Megan have parties with no adult supervision. It was the “in” place to be.
By the time the weekend rolled around, I was so excited I could hardly stand it. Megan’s mom called my mom and told her she’d be there, which she actually did end up staying, though she wasn’t the ‘adult’ that my mother thought she was. She dropped me off at the front door and walked in with a smile on my face and some skittle look-a-likes in my stomach.
I found Megan in her room counting out pills for her and her friends, and I took a couple more just to make sure my night would be perfect. After everyone had gotten their dose, we went outside to the four foot deep pool they had in their backyard. Megan walked by my side and began pointing at me while looking at some guy.
“There’s someone I want you to meet.” She said.
She pulled me by my hand towards the side of the pool where the most gorgeous, punk guy I had ever seen was floating in the water. He had very short black hair, snake bite piercings, and tattoos everywhere.
“He—Hey.” I stuttered. “I’m Jenn.”
“Nice to meet you, Jenn.” He smiled and held out his hand, “My name is Brad.”
Megan came up to me and began whispering quickly in my ear, “He saw your picture the other day online and asked me to introduce him to you! He’s a great guy! Have fun!”
She backed away and smiled at the two of us, “Well, I guess I’ll leave you two to talk then!”
She bounced off in her plaid mini-skirt and a White Stripes baby doll tee, which was accentuated by very thick, black, platform boots with silver buckles. I couldn’t get over how amazing she made those clothes look. I was wearing a strapless black shirt and jeans. I couldn’t even begin to compare myself to how gorgeous she was.
“So, are you enjoying yourself?” Brad asked, snapping me out of my daydream.
“Oh yeah! I actually haven’t been here long but it seems like a great party.”
“Why don’t you get in the pool with me? I’m lonely!” He joked, though he really was swimming alone.
I agreed and ran to change. By the time I returned he was just giving back a blunt to his friend.
When he saw me walk up, he asked if I wanted a hit, but I declined, deciding that one drug at a time was good enough.
“You sure? Oh! I bet you took some stuff with the pill heads, huh?” He smiled, apparently joking, but I didn’t like the way he talked about it.
“Just wanted to have some fun. That’s all.” I didn’t look him in the eye.
“No, don’t get me wrong! It’s not a big deal. I just don’t do that stuff much. I’ve heard some pretty bad things about it.” He shrugged his shoulders then quickly changed the subject. “How old are you?”
“16. I don’t have my license yet though. Probably will by this summer. What about you?” I crossed my fingers, hoping he wasn’t much older.
“19. I graduated last year and now I’m just trying to relax. I work front desk at the tattoo shop down the street. I see you have one.” He pointed to the small tattoo of an exotic flower on my hand.
“Yeah, my mom let me get one so that she could show me that she thinks of me as an adult. I guess it’s more just the fact that she doesn’t want me to sneak and get stuff. It’s a pretty cool way to do things, in my opinion.” I smiled. I did have a pretty cool mom. Though I wished I could have told her what that party was really going to include.
“That sounds nice. She seems like a nice lady.” This small talk with the man of my dreams was getting a little boring. I was starting to wonder if I shouldn’t get out of the pool and chill out before my pills kicked in.
“Well, I think I’m gonna get out of the pool. I’m turning into a prune and I don’t want to drown when the skittles kick in.”
“Skittles? Oh, okay. Well, listen, if you don’t mind, maybe I will call you sometime. You’re a pretty cool chick.” He flashed his tooth-paste commercial worthy grin at me.
“Okay. If I don’t see you again tonight, just get it from Megan.” I pulled myself slowly out of the pool and got out. As soon as my feet hit the grass, my world transformed into something unreal.
It wasn’t anywhere near as bad as my near-overdose, but it was pretty damn close to being as entertaining. I was staying the night with Megan, as we had already arranged with my mother, so I didn’t have a worry in my mind. I danced and talked to all sorts of people that I normally wouldn’t due to my social anxiety. People loved me and I made so many new friends that night. Or at least I thought I did, until I woke up the next morning to find that none of them had cared to wake me up and let me know that I was covered in vomit. |
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