Story About Me, Repost | 08/02/2010 |
This is another copy of the story about my life. I believe I will call it Skittles if that isn't terribly illegal or something. I am re-posting because I have written a lot more because it's flowing so well. I hope you enjoy it. If you read, please leave a comment to just let me know you were here. Of course I can always see who has viewed it, but I'd still like to see the courtesy! Thank you!
Enjoy!
P.S. This has chapter 1, chapter 2, and the beginning of chapter 3.
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Chapter 1:
I am a previous drug user. I also slept around a bit because I thought it might compensate for something that I was missing in my life. Who knows what that might have been? Not me. I am now twenty-seven years old and wish to share my story with you. Maybe one day it will help someone, or at least give them something to think about.
My drug use began in my 9th grade year. I was around 15 at the time and didn’t know where my life was going. I had a best friend named Dean and we were pretty much attached at the hip. I actually met him through a former best friend named Adrianna. She was amazingly bi-polar and tried to make me believe that I was. I’ve always had a sort of anxiety, but not to that extreme. I guess I could say she was a pretty bad influence on me. She talked me into stealing something from the mall once, and every time after that that I went with her, we stole everything we could fit in our purses. I had never been so excited to go to the mall. If only because of the fact that I could get pretty much anything I wanted.
When Adrianna introduced me to Dean, it was like our personalities melted together. He liked the same kind of music I did, he wore the same Hot Topic clothes that I wore, and he listened to me. He cared about me and what happened to me. I was not used to that whatsoever. At first, he had some feelings for me after him and Adrianna broke up, but I couldn’t see him that way. Once they broke up, we spent almost every single day together.
Around that time, I found a girl named Megan. I thought she was the coolest thing walking the hallways in my school. She was punk, she had spikey hair, and she wore the most awesome plaid pants I had ever seen. After we began talking and hanging out, I found out that she was on multiple kinds of drugs. One day she came to school and walked up to me. She pulled me outside to where we couldn’t be heard.
“Hey! I brought you something. Open your hand.”
I had my suspicions but I did what she said. “What is it?”
“They’re these great pills. Pop four of them and you’ll be set for the day!” She smiled from ear to ear before she popped about six of them in her mouth.
“What are they called?” I asked. If I was going to take them, I wanted to at least know what they were called.
“They are triple C’s, also known as Coricedin. You will feel like you are floating. It’s amazing! See you later!”
And she left me there. What the hell was I supposed to do with these? Get high by myself, the first time I’ve ever had a drug? Of course I was. I walked back to the cafeteria and slid into my seat beside Dean. I toyed with the pills in my hand, watching them make bright red circles on my hands from the coloring. They almost looked like red skittles, only a lot smaller.
“What’s that?” Dean asked.
“Nothing, just something Megan gave me. It’s worth a try I guess.” I could tell him anything and he wouldn’t judge me.
“Well, if you need me, let me know. Be careful.”
“Always am!” I replied, as I stood to the ringing bell signifying the beginning of first period.
When I reached my first period English class, I took my bottle of water and slyly slipped the pills into my mouth. They tasted like candy which actually really scared me. My father is a drug and alcohol addict and I for damn sure didn’t want to turn out like him. I waited for what seemed like hours for the pill to kick in. It might have felt like a long time, but it was kicking in by the beginning of my second period, Biology class.
I sat down in my seat and could have sworn my hard wooden desk had been replaced with a heated recliner. I laid my head down on the desk to feel the cool on my face. I heard my teacher begin the lesson, but had no idea what he was saying. It was as if someone was muzzling his words and I could only remember what he said for a mere thirty seconds before it was lost somewhere in the drug induced daydream I found myself in.
From that day on, taking pills became my life. Once I explained to Dean how amazing it was, he decided to try it with me. I would go to his house every night, only after going by Wal-Mart first to steal the medication. Not only did I not have the money to pay for it, but you had to be eighteen to buy it. I guess the pharmacists knew about how kids were using them before we realized it.
Apparently they were pretty damn dangerous. I reluctantly began listening to the stories people were talking about. They would talk about how someone else had died from a heart attack because of these pills. I didn’t let it phase me. I would never let it get that bad. Besides, that guy had taken forty pills. Who would do that that didn’t want to die?
I found out the hard way that that was not the case. I went to Dean’s house one night after scoring two boxes of Triple C’s, which just so happened to equal 48 pills. We were so excited; it really makes me sad to think back on it now. We took a seat together on his bed with our bottles of Pepsi by our side. I counted out 12 pills for each of us. We had grown such immunity to it that it took more and more every time we took them to get us as high as we wanted to be.
For a while, we were having fun. We lay on the floor, watching as the music we had playing on the PlayStation made beautiful visualizations on the screen. I could almost feel the intricate designs flowing through me as I watched them. We lay there for at least an hour, not speaking, only feeling.
“Let’s get up and do something! I feel like I’m sinking into the floor.” I said, wondering how I might get up if Dean did decide he was tired of laying down.
“What are we gonna do? Jump around? You know there’s nothing to do here.” He said, slurring his words.
I bolted up with a burst of energy and began jumping up and down on the shaggy brown carpet. “Oh my God, Dean! This is amazing! You have got to try it.”
We jumped for another hour or so, trying to keep in rhythm with whatever Marilyn Manson song was playing at the time. Every time I bounced, I felt like I was being shot 10 feet into the air. I could have sworn at that moment that I weighed absolutely nothing.
A knock came at the door, startling us just shy of sober. A moment later, Dean’s sister, Teresa, opened the door.
“Hey guys! I just wanted to let you know that dinner is ready.”
We followed her immediately, without being able to make any sane excuse at the time. We decided it was better to keep a low profile if we didn’t want anyone finding out our little secret. As we sat down at the dining room table, I felt my weight start to fall back on me. I was immediately pissed that my high was already wearing off, and I could tell by the look on Dean’s face that he had had the same disturbance. Teresa left the room for a moment, giving us time to discuss our problem.
I ran to the room and got us each 12 more pills after we decided that was the only way to bring us back up. By the time Teresa came back with her daughter, I had already downed the pills and we were ready for a fun filled night. Our only problem at that moment, though, was the fact that if we ate anything, we would most definitely throw up. It was common knowledge when it came to those happy pills. Only I threw up every time I took them. It was probably really harsh on my body, but at the time, I couldn’t have cared less.
After nibbling on the meatloaf Teresa had fixed, Dean and I ambled into his room. We always kept it dark in there; that always seemed to enhance the effects of the visualizations on the television.
“I’m in love with you.” Dean blurted out as soon as the door was closed. I stood there for a long time, wondering if he was talking to me or if it was the pills. “Say something! I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have thrown it at you like that.” His eyes fell to the floor, showing all of his feelings. He was always one to wear his heart on his sleeve.
“Don’t apologize. I just need to think for a minute.” I had never really seen him that way before, but after I found out he had a thing for me that second time, it began to sound perfect. I jumped on top of him where he sat on the bed and began kissing him wildly. I never really thought about things rationally in those days. I could barely tell you what day it was. I thought I was in love, and couldn’t help but give it a shot. Who wouldn’t want to be with someone who so unconditionally cared for them and who they had so much in common with?
Chapter 2:
“I’m in love with you, too.” I whispered as I lifted his shirt over his head.
We made it for about another half an hour before another knock came on the door. “Dean, it’s time for bed,” sounded the voice of his very country mother.
She was a very moody woman. Her husband was apparently addicted to pornography and gave me disgusting looks when her back was turned. I probably should have mentioned that to someone but just never found it threatening enough.
As I stood to jerk my clothes on as quickly as I could, my whole world began to melt. I don’t know if it was the sudden movement or if it was just destined to happen, but my world began to spin and wobble in ways that no one should ever have to experience. Dean grabbed onto me just as he caught a glimpse of me starting to topple backwards. I was sort of upset, because I was sure I was about to fall on a bed made of clouds.
“Okay, mom,” Dean said as we started walking through the kitchen, him holding me upright as we walked, “I’m just gonna help Jenn to the bed real quick.”
“What’s the matter with her? She looks pale.” His mom eyed me up and down. I knew at that moment I had been caught, that is, until Dean spoke up and saved the day.
“I think she’s coming down with the flu. She said she was freezing earlier but she was sweating a lot.”
“Well, don’t get in her face too much. We don’t need both of you getting sick.” She scrunched up her face and moved along.
The most I remember between that moment and laying in the bed was my trip to the bathroom to throw up. And boy did I throw up. Maybe it was just the pills, but I didn’t think anyone could have ever thrown up more than I did at that moment. It was terrible. After what seemed like hours, I opened the bathroom door to find Dean staring at me like he had seen a ghost.
“Are you okay?” He shrugged his shoulders realizing that would get a pretty obvious answer if I had had the ability to open my mouth to speak.
I managed a slurred ‘Goodnight’ to Dean’s mom and we walked the rest of the way into the bedroom. His mother came into the room after a few moments to lay a cold washcloth across my forehead. She really was a sweet woman. If only she knew what her son and his ‘best friend’ were really doing, she probably wouldn’t be so nice. She gave me a slight smile before saying, “Don’t get too close to Jada in the morning. We don’t need her getting sick, either.”
Jada was Dean’s niece. Teresa had gotten pregnant with her after a violent rape at a high school party. It was a sad story, but they had both turned out just fine. Dean came back into the room after a little bit, probably shooting some more lies into his mother’s face.
He kissed me softly on the head and sat a glass of water on the table beside me. “You’ll be fine, Jenn.”
“How do you feel? You took as much as I did.”
“I forgot to take my other ones. They’re right here.” He pulled a wad of beautiful little red pills out
of his pocket.
“Oh. Good. You shouldn’t have to feel like I do right now.” I was surprised he could even understand what I was saying.
“You need to rest. I’ll check back in on you after mom goes to bed.” He placed another kiss on my cheek and closed the door behind him.
By this time, my heart was racing. I actually, for the first time, started to hallucinate. It started with me planning my funeral, and wondering how many people would show up. I was certain I would die that night. There was no way around it. As I was planning, I imagined how sad everyone would be. How could I cause them to have to find me like this the next morning? I decided I was the most selfish person on the planet.
“Pssst!” I heard, coming from the end of the bed.
Mind you, the room was pitch black. I couldn’t see my own hand in front of my face. I felt a slight tugging on the sheet, and somehow, my heart started thumping faster. I could feel it through my shirt.
“Who’s there?”
“You know who I am.” I heard, and somehow knew immediately who it was.
It was the Devil. He had come to watch me as I threw my life away. He wanted to see all the pain and sorrow that I caused my family. He wanted to torture me until my very last breath. I felt more tugging at the sheet; he was taunting me.
“Look over there. Look what you’re going to be missing out on!” Somehow I knew which direction to look.
I watched as a lovely young couple danced chest to cheek around the bedroom in their wedding clothes. Her dress was long and strapless. He looked very sharp in his tuxedo and shiny shoes. They danced around me while death himself taunted me in the background.
“You stupid bitch. Look what you have done to yourself. You don’t care about anything!” He made me look down upon myself, laying there with my eyes barely open and my mouth so dry that I could barely open it. My hair was stringy from all the sweating I had done, but I was snuggled up under the blanket. As I looked at myself, I saw death written everywhere.
“Stop! Please! I don’t want to die!” I said to him, begging to be returned to my suddenly amazing life.
“Why should I? What have you done to deserve my forgiveness?” I heard him let out a low chuckle. He was enjoying my pain and fear.
Soon, through the blackness, I could see something that resembled the end of the tunnel I kept hearing about. I watched as it got wider and wider. I began to yell through my thoughts. Whoever was doing this to me most likely could hear everything I was thinking. I was so high, yet I couldn’t stand the thought of waking up everyone in the house. It just wasn’t pleasant of guests to start yelling about tunnels while the homeowners are trying to sleep.
I edged closer and closer to it. Someone resembling my grandfather looked disappointed as he waved to me. I was such an asshole. How could I have let this happen to me after all of the values I had taught to me as far back as I can remember? I mean, you think my father being a drug addict and alcoholic would have some affect on me, but apparently not. I guess I was like most teenagers. I wanted to rebel and have a good time because I thought my mother and step-father were the worst people on the planet. Of course, my mom’s ex-husband really was one of the worst people on the planet, but he seemed like an angel to me at this point.
Just as I finally got so close to the end of the tunnel, I heard a whisper telling me it wasn’t my time, and that I should learn a major lesson from this. Maybe I was talking to myself. Maybe it was my future being telling me that we weren’t done making our mark on this world. I listened and pulled slowly back towards the darkness. When the small hint of light finally disappeared, I opened my eyes to see Dean pulling hair back off of my face. He had turned the light on and undoubtedly thought that I was just asleep.
“How are you feeling now? Drink some water.”
“I talked to the devil.” I said, after a long sip on the freshly iced water he had left with me earlier.
“Drink some more water.” He said, squinting his eyes as if he might be able to see if I had finally lost my mind through my eyes.
We talked for a few more minutes and I eventually came to the point to where I could barely hold my eyes open. My heartbeat had steadied and I wasn’t sweating as much. Dean covered me in a blanket and went to leave the room.
“Can you leave the door cracked please? It’s really dark in here.” Probably the most coherent thing I had said in the last few hours.
“Of course. I love you.” He said, giving me a half grin.
“I love you, too.”
I fell fast asleep, dreaming of newlyweds and how they were popping more triple C’s than I had ever saw at one point in time. I have a very demented view when it comes to my dreams.
I awoke the next morning to bright sunlight shining through the window. Once I looked around, I realized how small the room really was. In the corner there was a rack with clothes hanging from wire hangers on it. The bed was a small twin-size and there was a pointless bookshelf sitting to the left of the bed, so short that only a small portion of it showed above the thick blanket.
It may have been Saturday morning, but it definitely felt like a Monday to me. I couldn’t complain though. I was just happy to even be waking up. I stood up on shaky legs to realize that I was still high. Obviously not as high as I had been, but it was definitely still coursing through my blood. All I wanted was a shower and a nice cold glass of Pepsi.
I walked into the kitchen which also had a view of the living room and realized that no one was awake. I walked to the stove to see the small clock stuck in there with the knobs and found that it was 6:15 a.m. I couldn’t believe it. I never woke up that early. When the weekend rolled around, I spent the majority of it knocked out in my room. I decided to go to the bathroom and wash my face. I thought it might make the clammy feeling on my cheeks go away. That really was a disgusting feeling. I could have sworn people would be able to see the scales growing out of my face if I didn’t scrub it for at least ten minutes.
While I was steadily scraping, there was a light knock on the door. I continued rubbing as I opened the door to find Dean standing there, looking like he hadn’t slept all night.
“I set the clock for 3 a.m. because I wanted to check on you. I was still awake when it went off, so after I made sure you were okay, I set the clock again for 6 a.m. I guess you’re doing okay. I slept for about three hours. I wish I could’ve slept in there with you.” His lip began to tremble. Wow this is just too much emotion for someone who almost overdosed just a short eight hours earlier.
“Stop worrying, Dean. I’m okay now. I’m sorry you weren’t able to sleep. I honestly didn’t mean for that to happen. I thought the others had worn off.” That’s the best explanation I could muster at that point in time.
Dean said nothing else. He kissed me and picked me up in one swift motion. I imagined it as a way to view the “he swept me off my feet” saying. It seemed to fit pretty well at the moment anyway. He carried me to his bedroom and stuck a movie in the PlayStation. I was glad he didn’t want sex because I might have thrown up on him if he tried. We lay there watching “Resident Evil” and “The Cell” until we heard his mom begin cooking in the kitchen. She knocked on the door, probably after seeing that I wasn’t in the same place that I had been left the night before. She pulled open the door before we could even answer, probably trying to catch us in some horribly embarrassing act.
After examining the room in one quick circular glance, she looked at me with a sigh of relief. Her shoulders slacked and her cheeks began to blush. “I’m glad to see you looking better this morning. How do you feel?” She laid a very cold hand on my forehead.
“I’m fine, thanks. I think it was one of those twenty-four hour bugs. I just started feeling terrible.” I looked her straight in the eyes. I used to be an okay liar. That decreased with age.
“Well, you don’t have a fever, so it must be gone. Still, keep any coughs away from Jada. Teresa is fighting with the Medicaid people, so it might be a couple weeks before she gets it back.”
“Yes, ma’am.” I said and she turned to walk back out, not before my nose filled with the scent of bacon. I usually craved bacon, but at this point, it was the last thing I wanted.
Every time I thought of food that entire day, I felt this strange rumbling in my stomach and immediately thought better of it. My mom came to pick me up that afternoon, and as soon as I saw her face I ran as fast as I could to wrap my arms around her. I squeezed as tight as I could and really didn’t want to let go. I said my goodbyes to Dean and we shot out of the driveway. My mother was always a very fast driver and sometimes I thought she might be consumed by road rage, but she always let it blow over.
“So…Dean asked me out.” I said, knowing her dreams of Dean and I being in a relationship together. She absolutely loved that boy.
“He what?!” she exclaimed, almost running us off the road. “You said yes, right? Please tell me you said yes!”
“I said yes. He kissed me.” I began to blush a little. It wasn’t normally that easy to tell her I kissed a boy, but this time it was someone she always called her “future son-in-law.”
“How was it?”
And so it went. I was hounded for every single detail of that kiss for the rest of the ride home.
When we walked in the door to our house, I snatched the cordless phone and ran to my bedroom not before telling my mom how much I really loved her.
Chapter 3:
I wish I could tell you that the whole out of body experience with the Devil was an eye-opener for me. I wish I could tell you that I never made a mistake like that again. That’s just not the case in my situation. A week or so later, after spending days upon days with Dean completely sober, we decided it just didn’t make any sense to leave something so fun alone just because of one simple mistake.
“Okay, we just won’t take more than 16. That couldn’t be nearly as bad as I got on 24.” I gave him a sly smile and pulled two unopened boxes out of my purse.
We went back to our normal routine but never took more than 16 pills. We would pop the pills, get it on as long as we possibly could, and then wait for the pills the kick in just minutes later. We usually had about an hour and a half to work with while we were waiting for the effects. When it would finally hit me, it was like I was being knocked backwards by some unseen physical force. I would have to watch myself because I remember at one point hitting my head on the wall because it was so powerful. All the sudden, everything would sound like an echo to me and I would have that same coherency problem where I would hear music or what people were saying to me, but I couldn’t remember it for any amount of time. It was almost as if I had dreamt it and it was just in the lining of my memory, unreachable.
Every day at school I would take my pills, go to first period and wait for my dream world to encompass me so that I didn’t have to deal with reality. By 4th or 5th period I would be on my way home because I threw up again. I would go back to the doctor yet again and tell them some dimwitted excuse about how my birth control wasn’t the right one for me. I would tell them it had to be the cause for me getting sick, because I didn’t take any other kind of medicine.
I didn’t realize until later in life how much those pills changed me. I was lying at any necessary points to keep anyone from finding out my secret that could get me in trouble for it. I never had any sort of background with lying. I was actually quite terrible at it until I had a serious reason to do it. But when you have to lie every day about the same thing, more and more clever ideas start popping into your head.
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Okay so yeah, this is all I have for now, but it is flowing out of me so easily I might have a couple more chapters done in the next couple of days. Let me know what you think! |
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All I have to say is wow!!!
damn. i'm glad i never got into that stuff
Hopefully. Still not quite sure how things are going to play out just yet LOL