Well, I started the process of applying to grad school last week. I had a weird day in the office and also happened to receive an email from one of my undergrad mentors about the launch of the program I had been drooling over as an undergrad. It was the perfect storm of my hating my office life and not being content to settle into life this way and there being an offer for a program I highly anticipated. So there's that.
I'm not entirely sure anyone can be completely sure of any decision they make in life, but I do know that it's important to go forward with confidence and understand that there will be complications along the way. I feel incredibly privileged to have this opportunity to work with the folks in this department, even though I'm not completely jazzed about going back to my alma mater - an institution I became seriously frustrated with followed by seriously jaded on. But I think I've now had enough time off & away from academia to realize that I really do love school. I love being intellectually challenged on a daily basis; I love having super nerdy conversations about old dead white dudes who have changed the landscapes of how people think about and see the world; I love listening to and being inspired by other students; I love having some sort of project to get pissed off at and then have break throughs on and then want to scrap the whole thing and then have my mentors talk me down from the cliff and then finish it and be proud of it. It's all something that I'm good at and I feel like I can seriously align myself with groups that do really, really great work in this world as a result of working through this program.
OK, I'm not trying to necessarily justify my decision to think about school again - I just haven't really talked to anybody about it yet because I'm slightly afraid of reaction. I mean - logistically it's a super expensive program. And realistically I'll probably have to take out loans somewhere along the road. It's also the first official year this program is really running which means there are probably going to be super uncomfortable growing pains along the way as well. And there's something exciting for me to all of that. Yes I am terrified of going into debt - but these things tend to work themselves out.
Ugh, anyway. That's my story for the week. I'm incredibly excited about this prospect and I am looking forward to structuring my application and turning it in and crossing my fingers they'll let me in (and give me lotsa monies). I feel like I'm breaking out of my weird stent of complete disinterestedness and seeing some sort of path that I'm actually interested in following.
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