Entre Nous
by zed's dead

siren sounding out; ar

12/21/2008

Broke up with Ryan.

It doesn't hurt yet. If I don't think about it. Now I have to figure out what to do with myself. I'm not sure if I should go ahead and try another quarter in school or just say fuck it and drop out for a while.

What I know:
Education is important to me.
I'm not happy in Spokane.
I can't figure out if I'm prematurely freaking.
I decided to buy myself a Christmas gift this year instead of my friends (Blackberry Pearl).
I wish I had a really great friend who would move with me somewhere.
I don't want to live in Prescott.
I am not in love with Ryan.
I don't want to hurt Ryan.
It was a good thing to get out of Prescott for a time.

What I'm not sure of:
If Flagstaff/NAU would be the best option.
If I should just take a year off.
If I should go ahead and do another quarter in WA.
If it's healthy to be so confused.
If Ryan is still in love with me.
If Ryan wants to hurt me because I've moved on.
If I'll ever come to any sort of conclusion.
If I'll ever find a job. Ever.
What my degree is going to be and what I'm going to do with it.

I guess the only way to go about this is to talk with my friends and family and see what my options are/would be.

I really am at a loss for what to do right now. I know it's possible to go back to school at any time. I guess I'm just unsure as to whether I should just get a four year degree out of the way or if it's better to get my head back in order and then continue.

I just want to scream!! All of this just HAS to happen during the holiday season, too. It's a little too much to handle right now. Things are just not being stacked favorably and I'm tired of not being able to come to any logical conclusions. Breaking up with Ryan was difficult, but I think we've ended on an OK note. We hung out all day today. I still kiss him and hold his hand and generally act affectionate, but now it's OK to be interested in other people, I guess. I feel like we're going to fall back into what got us into a relationship in the first place.

What a fucked up place I feel I'm in right now.

previous entry: paper lanterns

next entry: chillin out cool...

0 likes, 2 comments

[ | add comment ]

Add Comment

egh, sounds sticky. if you're not happy in spokane, i'd say go to school elsewhere. but if you can be going to school, i'd say stay in school instead of taking a year off, cause then you might not want to go back. and you're right, you can go back to school at any time, but finding a job these days is pretty difficult, so maybe school would be better for now? dunno. i hope you get things worked out.

[surveyshiz|0 likes] [|reply]

oh rachel.
I have to agree, it would probably just be better to keep going with school, even though it totally sucks.

and I don't think anyone knows what they are going to do with a degree, of any kind. seriously, I find myself trying to think of what the hell I can do with a degree, and why I'm even going to school.
but in the end, it's all for the better.

I love you.

[papercup.mixmaster|0 likes] [|reply]

Online Friends

Offline Friends