Standing in the elevator up to my 6th floor abode this evening and I couldn't help but have thoughts about my apprehensions for being here. I've only been here, what, three days? I guess it's just a weird dichotomy between me feeling excited about not knowing anybody and literally being faceless in a crowd of people who don't care about me. My break just brought me so much warmth and feelings of love that now I'm confused as to why I'm in this dreary, cold, wet place.
I keep telling myself that it's better to think positive, though, and that as long as I keep myself occupied I will fall into step with the way the currents flow. It's just difficult when I feel like everyone around me is such an asshole for not coming forward and starting a conversation with me. It's hard to admit that I've been the asshole all along.
Standing in the elevator a kid asked me about the book I'm reading. Apparently it's 6th grade level reading because he had a smug look on his face as he told me he read it those many years ago. Should I be insulted? Should I hunt him down on his 5th floor abode and scream at him that I'm more intelligent than the scum of this school that he is for wearing a sweatshirt that promotes its name and everything it stands for that screws me up the ass? I think not. It's easier to just continue reading my book. Gives me something to do so I don't break down and cry or something emotional like that.
I feel ignored for not hearing from my friends. I feel like as soon as I go away I stop being their friend in some small way... out of sight out of mind. But that's just my ego telling me something falsely.
I just hope I'm strong enough to let go of my guard so I can venture into the social world. Because in the end it's all my fault for putting myself here. It's funny how quickly the fires of enthusiasm fade for me. I just get so damn bored. |
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