1

10/19/2009

im really frusterated with life. i can't even put it into words. i know that my mom wants me to be happy and move on with my life but i feel like she secretly wants me to stay at home and be her little baby for the rest of my life. all i want to do is get the hell out of here and move, but she keeps throwing all these obstacles and 'ideas' at me to throw me off and make me want to change my mind. thats why i never actually follow through with anything, because she never fully supports me and is always seeming hesitant and filling my head with other ideas that would be 'alot better'. im really frusterated and want to cry. why can't anything just work out?! i want a better group of friends (this isn't including u guys, obviusly) i want a real job that i like, i want to not live at home, i want healthy relationships, i want to be happy. i don't understand why i am so different from my sisters. they both get EVERYTHING they want, theyre so successful and driven, but i feel like theres this invisible force inside of me that won't let me get what i want. and now im fucking just sitting here eating because im bored and unhappy, and now ill be a fatso. great. i feel like ive tried EVERYTHING. so many fucking re-juvinations and new goals and little healing sessions.. i cant get fucking on track. im sorry im ranting guys i just don't really have anyone else to talk to. and i prefer typing to talking anyway. i'm a mess. i don't understand how this is ever going to work out. i just want to make my parents happy, but i know im the biggest dissapointment in the world.