the stuff that i think of in my head sounds so stupid when i put it into real worlds. things like 'i shouldnt' have been born' and thigns like that.
really, all i want to do is make my parents happy. they are the most sweetest, humble, caring, honorable, moral, generous people in the whole entire world. and i wish that i was perfect. just for them.
i just snapped at my mom and for the first time she told me she thinks im bi polar..
she nver says stuff like that to me. she also said i should go see a doctor beause there is a pill that could help me with my depression.
i know i have depression , i dont need to see a doctor for that. but i dont wanna take a pill. i dont wanna be just another statistic of pill-guzzling emotion-fearing drugged up americans who pour toxins into their body. and i dont want to 'suffer from depression' either. although i know thats what it is. in the las few montsh i was sunken into such a deep dark place.. where all i culd think about was endign my life. but i couldn't do that. because it would hurt my parents too much. i just think about how much EASIER their life would be if i wasn't here! seriously, they could retire, (they cant retire now, theyve got too much to pay for and money to owe on this house.. ) they could move away and live on the beach somehwere. but no, their unsuccesful 20 year old depressed failure of a daugheter who still lives at home is on their minds 24/7, causing them more wrinkles and grey hair than they deserve. i want to cry. i want it to be fixed. i want to just not be.. me. i dont know. i want my boobs to be biger. i want my sister to want to be around me all the time. i want to be in love. i want to be succesful. i want to have long nails. i cant stop bting them. life is hard. why can't i just be happy? why the fuck can't i just be HAPPY? i dont get it. i think i have demons inside of me that get out so easily. i have to try so hard to keep them at bay. its so much easier just to let htem roam around insdie my soul , slowly turning everything moldy and brown. to bring out all the failures and negetives. why can't i just be like my sisters? i dont think theyve ever been depressed a day in their lives. ever. whereas i have spent the last 6 years this way? why is it?
i come froma good home. i live in a good home. my parents are devoted, beautiful, religious people. my family is sane. and normal.
why oh why do i think such horrible things all the time. i don't know what to do with myself. i wish i could not live anymore, but taht would hurt everyone else too much. life is just too hard, and im not any good at it. |
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