internet confessional 3.0
by girlsetsfire

previous entry: and in my head i paint a picture.

An open letter to humans with breasts

10/12/2011

[cross-posted from facebook]

Ladies, it seems there are few of you out there who can't seem to grasp some basic, yet important, things about breast screening appointments.
Here are some things to keep in mind when coming for a screening at my breast centre:

1. BE ON TIME! I cannot stress this enough, people! Lateness is my biggest peeve in general, but especially when you are going to a medical appointment.
Going to be late? CALL! If the 70 year old lady beside me at the baseball game can text her daughter-in-law about Derek Jeter, you can call to tell me you're running late.
Live far away? LEAVE EARLIER! This is certainly one of the worst excuses I've ever heard. You know it will take you longer, leave earlier. Not. Rocket. Science.

2. LISTEN! Seriously. Yeah, you've been here before. Whoopty shit. Pay attention. You wouldn't have to ask me how to put on the gown if you hadn't interrupted with "yeah, yeah, yeah" when I told you what you needed to do. You wouldn't have struggled taking off your earrings if you'd listened when I said you didn't have to.

3. That whole listening thing goes for questions too. When I ask if your mother, sisters, or daughters have had breast or ovarian cancer, I mean "have your mother, sisters, or daughters had breast or ovarian cancer?" Not "did your uncle have colon cancer?" Not "did your great grandmother have a cyst in her breast in 1847?" Not "did your second cousin twice removed marry a man who had throat cancer?" First off, if you don't have a BRCA1/2 gene mutation, your risk of a hereditary breast cancer is about 5%. Second, breast cancer IS NOT LINKED to any other cancer (besides ovarian), so I don't care if "cancer runs in your family". Sorry to tell you, in 2011, cancer runs in every family. Calm down. Third, LISTEN TO THE WORDS I AM SAYING. Really. Only those words, and nothing else. If I don't ask about it, for the intents and purposes of this exam, I don't care.

4. Know your personal history. Moreover, don't expect me to know it for you. Now, I know that the details can get fuzzy as the years fly by, but get a clue about yourself, your body, your medication. I don't know you. I've never seen you before today, and chances are good I may never see you again, so HOW THE FUCK am I supposed to know how long you've been taking estrogen if you don't have the slightest clue?! I am not your doctor, I don't have your "chart". If you don't know what's been done TO YOUR OWN BODY, how do I?

5. If you knew how to do your own exam, I wouldn't be here. But I am. Because you generally don't have a clue. And that's fine. Really, it is. You come for this exam for 10 minutes, once every 12-24 months. I don't expect you to know what to do. So let me do my job! Move when I ask you to move, turn when I ask you to turn. Don't "help", you're not helping. I do this 30 times a day; I'm pretty sure I've got it figured out by now.

6. Again, listening. If I ask you to wait, wait. If I say you can get dressed and go, get dressed and go. Most important in this step is that IF YOU DO NOT LISTEN, and I ask you to undress again for more images, DO NOT bitch about having to change again. I WILL hurt you.

Bonus tips:
- You know all those "cute" and "funny" emails and jokes about mammograms? I've seen/heard them all, and they're not cute or funny.
- You do not know a friend of a friend who was trapped in the mammo machine for hours because the power went out. The machine is designed so that cannot happen, so either your friend is lying or you are. Stop.
- Unless you have personally had a one-on-one appointment with Dr. Oz, he is not your doctor.
- If you invent "a better way to do this" you will be a billionaire. In all honesty, I encourage you to try. However, until the gold standard for breast screening is something other than a mammogram, we will do them. Suck it up.
- It's not a "mamm-y-o-gram". CHRIST. I don't know where this one came from, but just... no. MAMMOGRAM. "Mammo-gram". Just like it's written. Spread the word.

I think I'll stop now, before I give myself a hemorrhage.

[PS: I generally DO love my job, and the interaction with clients is a big part of why I love it. Just please, for the love of Diet Coke, don't push my buttons at work.]

previous entry: and in my head i paint a picture.

next entry: ride it, my pony.

0 likes, 14 comments

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- You do not know a friend of a friend who was trapped in the mammo machine for hours because the power went out. The machine is designed so that cannot happen, so either your friend is lying or you are. Stop.
I have the biggest fear of the mammogram machines! I WILL be one of the paranoid women. I can just imagine that machine not stopping [because it IS a machine, and can glitch] as it smashes my boobs to nothing.
Kind of like machines at a factory that are supposed to stop if someone walks through the censor. Not all the censors work.
Now my boobs are hurting.

<3 Sarah

[canceroustears Star

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there is a manual release that is within reach of me at all times when i am with the patient. in fact, it's within reach of the patient, so IF you were ever stuck (and you won't be!) you could reach out with your hand and push it up.
there is also an automatic release available at all time (when i'm out with the patient and behind the control booth), and an emergency off switch in both places as well.
all that said, it's okay to be nervous/anxious. i get that part of things. i'm so super nice to anxious patients to calm them. the key is to not let your anxiety turn you into an asshole. listening and co-operating actually makes the exam way easier for the tech AND the patient (relaxed muscles are easier to manipulate).

[girlsetsfire|0 likes] [|reply]

With what you said, it makes me feel a lot better. I didn't realize that there were so many controls that could release it.
I know that I have about 20 more years until I have to go and get one done, but it's always been a worry of mine.

[canceroustears Star

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working with the public can be hard sometimes. there are some real stupid people out there.

[lady burt.|0 likes] [|reply]

I really hope you unloaded all of this onto an old lady. I'm nearly in tears laughing at the thought of you gettin' up in grandma's grill about this.

[Emily the Strange Star

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I'm totally curious how it works in North America (assuming you're N. American). Do most women get mammograms every year? From what age? In the UK, it's generally not done till the woman is over 50. We just feel our breasts for lumps and go to the doc and get a biopsy if we have a lump.

When I had a biopsy, I had to fill in a form which asked if anyone in my family had had cancer - it didn't specify female or breast, so I totally wrote that my grandad had testicular cancer!

[LADY PUCK Star

|0 likes] [|reply]

if that's what the form asks, then you were right to answer so. (i actually ask if there has been breast or ovarian cancer in the women in the family, and breast cancer in any of the men in the family).

guidelines are different here from province to province, as healthcare is a provincially funded program, for the most part. in ontario, our self-referal screening program starts at 50. prior to that a woman can have a mammogram if their doctor feels it is warranted (either because they are concerned, or there is a symptom). women with a strong family history, like a first degree relative with breast ca, are recommended to be screened 10 years before the age of diagnosis of their relative.
some provinces screen at 40, tho most at 50. the recommended age in the usa used to be 40, and was recently changed to 50, which i support, tho many condemned, as the guideline's introduction coincided with obama's changes to healthcare.

[girlsetsfire|0 likes] [|reply]

Ah, okay. Sounds like it's pretty similar to here then. Apparently here it is starting to be extended to women in their 40s because the digital mammograms are more accurate than the traditional film ones at analysing pre-menopause breasts.

[LADY PUCK Star

|0 likes] [|reply]

true, digital mammography is best for dense breasts.
it also (generally) has a lower radiation dose, which many women are more concerned with in recent years.

[girlsetsfire|0 likes] [|reply]

"Live far away? LEAVE EARLIER!"

lol I can say the same thing for my students!

[Greta Garbage Star

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haha.
some people kill me.
i should write one of these to release some anger from the past 48 hours. =P

[just samma; Star

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I had my first mammogram a month or so ago (I'm only 31 but my mom and her mom both have had breast cancer) and I don't know what all the hoopla is about. It was as uncomfortable as any other doctor's appointment. But. I'm pretty sure most of the people that fit all of these have never dealt with the public and I think it should be required that everyone has to work with the public for 2 years so they learn to respect people better.

[sognatrice Star

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and learn not to make lame jokes. worked in retail and when things don't scan the "I guess it's free" joke gets REALLY old.

[sognatrice Star

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You should prescreen your patients against ADHD before you do mamogram or anything.

[Biologist|0 likes] [|reply]

previous entry: and in my head i paint a picture.

next entry: ride it, my pony.

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