jesus christ, that's a pretty face.

09/23/2009

here's a story. enjoy.
today was my last day as or/floor tech. this is also the tech who is designated to do any autopsy xrays, should they need doing (which isn't often). however, lucky me, denise tells me this morning that she ran into dr. macdonald (our pathologist) as they rode their bikes in to work, and sure enough they might need autopsy xrays today.
macdonald confirms this when i see him a little while later, coming in to tell our receptionist that we'll be doing an autopsy, and they'll bring the body over around 9:30.
so denise tells me to take coffeebreak at 9, lise has to go for a hep b shot at 9:15, denise will help me with the autopsy when i get back from my break. i go for break (my last cinnamon bun there!) and macdonald's the only one in the caf, so i sit with him, and we talk about me moving, and about this autopsy. jane doe, unknown identity, unknown circumstances, found 2 days ago, blah blah blah.
i get back to the dept, and denise is ready, gowned and gloved, waiting for me. i gown and glove, just at dr. macdonald shows up. she tells him that the trolley wasn't turning properly so they've put the body on the table, and taken it back to the morgue to fix it. he tells us to start at the head, like usual, and x-ray the skull, chest, etc., all the way down.
i go in and there's a body bag opened but with a blanket over, because denise never looks at the bodies. she goes to the computer and tells me there's a cassette in, ready to go, but to check the bucky (where the cassette goes), because she doesn't trust that room to be lined up. so i go to open the bucky, and the blanket fucking MOVES.
i think it's just my imagination.
then it moves again.
the body sits up and moans at me and reaches out.
and it's fucking lise!
in a halloween mask and wig.
i don't think i've ever been so fucking panicked in my life.
i screamed, then just started cursing: "you're an asshole! you're such an asshole! you're all assholes!" my blood pressure must have been like 300/150.
by far the most elaborate and ridiculous prank i've ever had played on me, that's for sure. the whole staff was in on it. not just diagnostic imaging, but dr. macdonald, who is not only our head pathologist, but the hospital's chief of staff.
and the best/worst part was that there was a camera set up to film the whole thing, and denise turned it off instead of on. if that had made its way to youtube, it would have been viral by the time my shift was over.