Boy I can't get you out of my head, your all I think about!

01/14/2013

Sorry its been so long since my last entry. I had a few thing going on, but mostly I have been sick. so on to my troubles of the month, and surprise surprise it boy troubles. *will be changing names*

Okay so my tale begins in high school grade nine, ten years ago. I was shy and a complete nobody in my school. I saw him for the first time in my grade nine math class, he delivered the news papers to all the classrooms. I found out then that he was co-oping at the school library so I looked forward to seeing him every morning. it was a few weeks after that I made a group of friends, and he was in the same group I was. I was horribly shy then so I didn't really talk to him.

My mom thought it would be good for me to meet others my age and signed me up for a after school program called Campus Life. Well it turned out all the people I hung out with at school went to the program. I got to know everyone alot better though Campus life, I opened up to others and made great friends some of whom I still have. So I finally was able to talk to him, and found out that his name was *Collin* that he was in grade 11. we became fast friends, traded msn names so we could talk and phone numbers I would call him or msn *collin* everyday. We started dating then next summer, I was in heaven, I was dating my best friend, but he told me that he felt guilty because of my age and thought we would be better off as friends, so we ended things.

He graduated after that, then went to College, then wanted to join the Army, We tried dating again, and I feel in love with him, it was an amazing summer that year, I was going into grade 11 and he was going to the training camp. It broke my heart knowing that I wouldn't here from him for two months, but I knew its want he wanted to do. When he left I cried for three days. When the two months was up and he was allowed contact he would call and text me everyday. Just hearing his voice made my heart skip a beat. Then things got weird, he stopped calling, and texting. Next thing I knew his mother told me he was coming home, I had no idea I though maybe he wanted to surprise me. Well I got a surprise alright he messages me over MSN, and asked me to meet him at our special hill. So I walked over and there he was I just wanted to run into his arms and hold him, but the look in his eyes made me stop right in my tracks. He said that it wasn't going to work between us, and that he just wanted to be friends. Well I dont know what the Army did to him but he wasn't the same guy I feel in love with. He went his way and I went mine.

That's when I met Mark, but thats another story for another day, I was with him for three years, we got into a fight. I left, now that was a horrible time in my life, my grandfather had passed away. I needed my best friend. So I called *Collins* mother and asked her for his number, I callled him and he came down. He took me out for coffee, and let me pour my heart out. Things went right back to the way they were its was like we were never apart. He stayed down for the summer, then went back to school in the fall. I for some stupid reason went back to Mark, but that again is another story.

Fast forward a few more years. Last summer Mark and I were planing our wedding, as you all know what happened there from my previous entry, I eneded up back at my moms and dads, broken hearted, jobless and homeless, I was at rock bottom. I had nothing, my home, my car, he took everything away from me. My mom and dad said I could stay with them, so at the age of 24 I moved back to my parents home. I was on facebook looking up old friends and I ran across *Collins* name. I added him, sent him a message just needed a friend to talk to. We started talking again. I told everything that had happened over the years we didn't really speak. Turned out he had a girlfriend that got insanely jealous if he talked to another female. So he had to make a second facebook page so he could talk to his old friends.

A few months go by and he tells me that he's coming down alone to do some research for a project he's working on, so I asked him if he could meet me and go for coffee. It was great, we talked like the old friends, we were, when the coffee shop closed we walked around town then he walked me to my car. We stood outside talking for a hour or so, and said this is going to sound really really bad right now, but I really want to kiss you. I said to him in all honestly the fact that you have a girlfriend is the only thing keeping me from doing so. he said really thats the only thing, then he says ahhhh f*** it, grabs me and kisses me, never in my life I have swooned, but the only thing that was keeping me up was him. in that kiss everything came rushing back to me. I knew then that I was never over him, I still loved him and wanted to be with him.

But he has a girlfriend, and doesn't want to hurt her. So once again he went home and I went on a date with another guy. Things are going well with the guy I'm seeing, he's very nice and sweet. But I know deep down, that I can't love him the way he loves me, I don't want to lead him on, but I know Im in love with *Collin*. We have a connection *Collin* and I one I have never ever had before, its hard to explain, its like we click, we always have, and always will. Even my mother says we belong together. So anyways *Collins* brother is friends with the guy I'm currentally seeing and invited us over last night to play Rockband with them. *Collin* was there, it took everything I had not to go running into his arms. you have no idea how badly I wanted to hug him and to talk to him just like old times. we didn't say much to each other, it was like we were strangers, the tension in the room was so thick you could cut it with a knife. The guys had fun, I spent the entire night on the couch, trying not to look his way. When it was time to leave, it just about broke my heart, to say good bye. Now here's my problem the guy i have been seeing is crazy about me but I don't see a long term relationship with him. he a nice guy yes, but not really for me. As I said to my mother today, if *Collin* were to end his relationship today, my bags would be packed and I would be gone. I know he feels something for me to, he admitted that to me. It been bugging me all night and all day today.

I want to be able to get over him, I keep saying to my self, he has a girlfriend, he's somewhat happy with her. Just forget about him move on. But I can't I have spent many hours in prayer, and for some reason I keep getting lead back to him, its like some unforeseen force is putting as together and I wish just once that we would stay together.