SO I think I will do my first ever THEME OF THE WEEK

10/26/2010

Suicide , selfish or brave?

I honestly don't even think that is a question.

I never did them at OD, but the one here hits a touchy subject with me.  My father killed himself when I was 6.  It goes with out saying that my father was a messed up man, with a million and one problems, drugs, family issues, he abused and abusive (towards my mother) but the only way I see it, is my father left me. He has a huge family of brother and sister who all went through the same hell and messed up upbringing as he did. Guess where they all are now. ALIVE. Raising there children living maybe happy, maybe miserable lives. I don't really know, I don't know them. After my father made the choice to put a gun to his head my mother took me away from his family and ran, do to the fact that she was afraid they blamed her for what happened to him. I can't say I blame her, for years I blamed her, myself, hell everyone including the mail man if I so chose on that day, everyone but HIM.. when really he was the only one to blame. And maybe he really couldn't control himself and he was taken over by depression and what have you. But I have seen dark days.. many of them. I have sliced my arms from wrist and back and stared into many of pill bottles, and put myself in situations where I knew better. And now I have a son, and his smile is sometimes the only thing that keeps me from going over the limit. So my smile wasn't enough. And I chose to always believe that what my father did was personnal. He left me. So no, he did not make a brave decision, he made a selfish one. And one that as much as I try to get over it will effect me every day. He doesn't have a little girl that loves him anymore though, and I will never let that happen between me and my son.

So I'm sorry if anyone sees it different. There is nothing brave about suicide. Could I hold a gun to my head and pull the trigger. No, probably not. Because I am brave and selfless and will continue to deal with whatever the hell the next day has to throw at me.