now your mess is mine.
it has been years since i've written.
or at least it feels like that.
my heart just feels so heavy today.
& i need somewhere to get things out.
i'm six months into being 29,
and this year has changed me more than the previous 28 combined.
so much has happened, so much has shifted.
i feel like a completely new person,
in the very best of ways.
but today.
today i feel overwhelmed.
today i feel so incredibly sad.
and i can't really understand or recall why.
i fell for a man that lives across an ocean,
way too fast.
& way too fucking hard.
& while he checks, almost every. single. box.
& it is as if this man has walked out of my imaginations,
out of my dreams
& out of the endless letters i have written to a future husband.
he lives so far away from me.
if i've learned anything the last six months,
it's to ignore fear.
to go for the hard things, because they're usually the best things.
but today, fear is holding its ground.
pretty damn strong.
and i feel tired, and restless.
and just, don't know.
early stages of relationships are so nice.
the constant checking of my phone, isn't.
the fact that he's always working when i'm not.
& i'm always working when he's not.
isn't nice.
i guess its just sort of like.
do i sign myself up for this, for the next chapter of my life,
or do i let this seemingly perfect man, find another mate.
i just. don't know.
because either way, i am going to feel sad.
either way, it's not easy.
either way there is fear waiting for me to conquer it.
i just feel stuck at the fork in the road.
and i don't like being stuck.
-a |
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