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HESITATION
by Amitola

previous entry: FEELING NOT GOOD

next entry: DAYS AT HOME

AWKWARD

07/25/2024

I don't know why. I felt a little awkward when we were making a video call. I can say something unimportant, but it felt unnatural. I can also feel his embarrassment. He asked me if I want to get married and I didn't really answer his question. I just whispered that it was difficult to get into marriage. Actually, I mean it. Marriage is not just marriage, it means responsibility, duty and possible endless arguments. It is not an end, but a new start. I don't think I am ready. Though it seems that he wants to get married. At least, he has a yearning for marriage. Usually, men talk more and think less.  I don't know whether it will be improved in the next few days. I'm not sure whether we should still meet each other's parents. Chatting too much in English sometimes makes me unable to feel his inner heart or his love. Chatting on wechat, he disappeared more than once. Fewer good nights, fewer deep exchanges, I'm afraid we are heading separate ways.

On the bright side, he ran four kilometres yesterday. We agreed on some rules for that. It's like a game.

Apparently, he totally forgot her menstruation. What if she gets pregnant? That will be very horrible.

Some students report that they feel unhealthy, such as sickness, headache, nausea and so on. Maybe it's better to leave here for a while. My supervisor answered me and told me to have a good rest at home. But he also asked me when to come back. I'm not sure and I feel sorry for that. Anyway, I am going home. Yeah~

previous entry: FEELING NOT GOOD

next entry: DAYS AT HOME

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