DAYS AT HOME

I have come back home for a week and did nothing to my diss. I havn't finished the report that my supervisor told me to do. If there is a little child, it's hard to do my own things. There will be three babies next year. I can't imagine that! But the parents and the grandparents are happy to have new lives. She even wants me to come back early next semester to help something. It is intolerable for me. It seems that everything pushes me. It pushes me forward. I am supposed to get married as soon as possible to get rid of the old atmosphere. I'm supposed to graduate as quickly as I can. I should have graduated this year, then maybe it won't be so troublesome. The truth is that entering into a marriage is never the real solution. Independence in society and economy is! Once again, what matters most for me is to finish the dissertation and have a nice job away from home.

We may not see each other this summer holiday. He is busy with his project things. And they will take their parents to travel somewhere. It is totally workable and reasonable. He asked me whether I was angry. Nope is my answer. Maybe I'm not happy, but it's not his fault. I should understand everything. Actually, I don't want to visit his parents too early.  Now, I don't want my parents to have too many expectations either. Though there are too much uncertainty between us. Every time when they mention the matters related to marriage, I become panic and irritable. I don't think my parents' views are right, but I feel powerless to change. Their thinking is dominated by tradition, by comparison with others, but never by my idea. So I will be negative and inactive. I am clear that I don't and won't despise myself. But I also don't want them treat me as a commodity. Anyway, the first feeling that marriage brings to me is not happiness. The date time is difficult to determine. Perhaps we won't see each other in September or even Octorber. I have no intention to go home on the National Day if I am acquired to go back in the middle of October.  Marriage is never a good antidote. One can only be saved by herself!

I will see my girl friend and have dinner with her tonight. She has booked a blueberry cake. We'll eat fish and rice for the dinner. Have a good time.