Tonight has not been nice. When I got off work Erin was in a foul mood. The foulest I've seen in a while. I always hate myself when I turn things around, but it really upsets me when I can't do anything to make it better. Unfortunately, it is a physical and obvious sadness. I absolutely abhor feeling helpless, so when I'm rendered incredibly useless I tend to move more towards the cold side. I feel like I was cold towards her when we were laying down and that makes me feel even worse than anything.
I tried. Please know this. I tried everything I could think of to try and get her to turn just one corner of her mouth up. I failed dismally. What good am I if I'm not able to make her smile in even the smallest of ways? Isn't that my job? I can't seem to stop the last bit of lingering fear drop down on me like a grand piano. When it comes to this and the relationship we have, I am one of the most insecure people on the planet. I've lived without her before, and I never want to do it again. I could barely call it living, which is where the insecurity comes from. I know she'll never leave me, I understand that, but somewhere I don't completely believe it. |
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I hope everything works out