Oh boy.
I'm exhausted. Physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted. I hate my job. Now, when I say hate I mean from the depths of my emotional capacity I detest and loathe this job. Every minute I'm there kills me a little bit more. And now, there's a new variable int he exhaustion equation. Erin told me last night she is ready to move out and get a place of our own. She's ready for a place she can go to and be alone. I don't know how to tell her I'm not ready for that. I don't know how to tell her how much I have missed and loved living with my parents. Not only that, but, she doesn't think it's fair if it isn't even. I make twice as much money as she does and there is no possible way it would be spit down the middle. I would pay for everything on top of the bills I'm trying to get paid off. I really wanted to have some bills paid off before I moved out of my parents. I just don't see that happening now. They've been offering overtime at work. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna sign up for it, just so I can try and get some money saved up. I wanted 5,000 in the bank before I even started thinking about leaving. Gonna have to get to it sooner I suppose.
I'm absolutely terrified. I failed for two straight years when I was living on my own. I haven't been in too big of a rush to go back to that. I'm not looking forward to that feeling again. I'm gonna get stressed out about everything, I'm gonna become introverted and moody, I'll become cold and distant and possibly resentful. I know this about myself. It's what I do when I live on my own and get stressed. We'll fight. About everything. and she wont like who I am. She'll leave. I will fail again and this time I can't just run back home again. I only have so many get out of jail free cards. I will fail myself, I will fail her. It's a fact. |
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