I had restless dreams yet again last night. They wont end and they're different every night. I wish these dreams would end. Last night's dream told me that reality was the true dream and the dream was reality. I don't know how much longer I can do this. Especially the nights I sleep alone. When she asks I tell her I don't remember if I had any dreams or not, but I always remember.
I would really like to know whether or not my dad will be moving us to Minneapolis or not. I want a better job so I can move her and I into our own place. Fuck it, I don't care if he gets the job or not, I'm looking out for myself and for her from now on.
I've been thinking a lot about my future and who I will be one day. Will I be me as I am now or will I be Ryan Michael? I've spent so much of my life planning out and envisioning who this Ryan Michael is and how I can be him. I've also learned a lot about myself and how to be me. She's been so supportive of me but I don't know how supportive she would be if I actually went through with it. Every time I hear "I don't like boys" I cringe. I know who she is, and I know that's not something I could change. Which is why I've decided I wont go through it. I'm not putting her through it and I'm not putting myself through the possibility of losing her.
I need to quit stressing about all this shit. This stress thing is getting old. I'm trying not to show it to her. She already has to deal with so much shit when it comes to me already. Someday she wont have to take care of me. |
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