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strike.
What is sleep? Is it really a necessity, or is it a crutch for the weak soul? These questions are some that render me tired of what life is supposed to be....life. Am I alive or am I dead? Am I just stuck in a rut or am I wandering lifelessly through the dimension looking for a reason of being? The real questions being, Who am I? What am I supposed to do? Why am I here?
As my days get longer, and my sleep gets further away, I realize that maybe this curse can be used as a gift. My insomnia only knows one boundary, and I'm too far away from it. Is my insomnia caused by my own thoughts? Is it caused because I don't feel safe at night? Am I not comfortable in my bed, wait, is it my bed? Didn't the government issue me this? Was it ever really mine? As I lay here and try to find some reason to sleep, I realize that I'm a whore for beds. I can never really claim one for my own. I've got to share it. With my love or with a pet, something to cuddle with, wait, I've got it... I'm a cuddle whore.
You might be reading this and wondering, "What is wrong with this guy, why does he sound so depressed and unalive?". I'm not depressed, I'm broken. Not by the heart but by the soul. Have I ever really defined myself? Am I me? Or am I one of those people who copy others?
I want to express myself, like my childhood heroes did. But, around every corner I find someone already doing it. A friend who plays in a band, he and his band kick ass, even though I've just met him one month ago, I can already tell you, it isn't himself he expresses. Sure his music is his true expression, but he looks like the carbon fiber copy of Jeff Hardy... I'm sorry dude, but find your own style. Some girls may think you look hot like that, but its not your style, brother, its really just them not liking who you really are. I appreciate your music and your friendship, but quit physically posing as something your not.
Another "metalhead" quite like myself is kinda doing the same thing, copying someone famous because he can't make a style of his own. Is it me, or is the world rid of originality? Tyler B, I'm sorry bro, we are tight as hell, but you gotta find a style of your own.
And me, I'd say through the years that I could have been the biggest poser of all, and I have been. But I've changed. My style of life and dress is completely my own. I might wear the "goth" clothing, but I take all the emblems off, the chains off, and everything else put there to make it look "cool" or "flashy" off. Sure, I paint my finger nails black or green or even purple.. But thats me, people might have already done it, but I didn't see it until I started doing it myself. I didn't copy Jeff Hardy or anyone else famous. I don't paint my face like a clown or what ever that posse calls themselves. I may dye my hair, a series of colors, but I guarantee you that, I won't do it because I saw it somewhere, I'm gonna do it because, as someone who grew up different than the two mentioned above and everyone else, Green and Black, Purple and Green, Bleach blonde or just black. Its all me. ME.. Nobody else. They may claim it, but I didn't see them until recently.
As for my expression on myself with music, I'm mainly a metal guy, but I've been known to dabble into other genres, most recently country. (I used to hate country). I'm a laid back hard ass, you might say. I've fought, loved, cried, smiled, laughed, hated and even let others be the bigger man. I'll fight someone and the next day try and be their friend. I love my enemies. No not because I love drama, I hate drama. But because I've always looked for the good in people. And don't take that wrong either, I have a few people I wish were dead, or would just banish themselves and let go of something they can't have. But I'm human, a human who was raised to be a great person. Not one over the top, and not one under the table. I am my own. The music I listen to expresses my moods for the day. It soothes my inner child and my outer adult. For once in my life they are one with something.
As a friend, I tend to trust too easily. I am constantly looking for common ground with people and trying to make friends. But that is my biggest issue, TRUST. At times I can trust people, friends and family with full intention of trusting them forever, but my ego or my emo sometimes get in the way. My ego won't let me trust people unless it feels like I am on top. My emo won't trust anyone because I've been hurt soooo many times before by, friends, family and failed relationships. One might read this and think, "You know, if he doesn't trust anyone, then why does he even bother with family, friends, or a relationship?". One answer......
HOPE. I've recently started claiming myself as reborn. I'll remember my past, forget the present, and live for the future. I hope to one day be able to look at my family and see how much we've grown. We've had our battles, and we are gonna have more... But I hope that at least maybe for one day, I can look at everyone and feel like we are a family. I hope that one day, I can stop worrying about whats going on at home when I'm not there. I hope that one day, I can trust my loved ones fully and completely. Do I now? No, and not for any real reason. I trust them with my name, my heart... but not my soul. I refuse to trust them with my mind, at least not until I feel ready to tell them whats in it. I hope that one day, I can do all of these things....
I love my family, my friends, and my fiance. I always will, no matter what happens. Some of them may read this and think I'm kind of a jerk or that its not fair that I don't trust them... I trust them as much as I can. I trust them with alot more than I've trusted anyone.. The one person who has my heart, will one day, hopefully soon, have my soul as well. But until then, I can't even trust myself to think positively about myself or the current situation....
The current situation: I feel like everyone I try to talk to about whats on my mind is ignoring me. They say they are there to listen and help me understand what I'm thinking about. Sure, not knowing me, you would think that it would be hard to consult on my thoughts. But the people I talk to are the closest to me. It really hurt (lately) when a couple of them just blew my thoughts and feelings toward a situation off... "I'm sorry" or "Ok" are not helping me. Just say what you want to say. (Yes, now I'm attacking people). If you want me to trust you, then speak your mind when I come to you. Come to me every once in a while. I like helping you. But answering me with "I'm sorry" or "Ok" is ignoring me. And I would appreciate it if you would be honest with me, like I have been with you. (That doesn't just go for one person, If you know me, and have talked with me recently about my thoughts, that means you). Yes, I'm writing this here, fuel for thought really, but I will bring it up again. Trust me on that. Email me what you are thinking or call or text... Hell even IM me.. I'm just so tired of a person(s) telling me their there for me, and then not helping me. In fact, that kind of makes you guys liars. And it makes me want to ignore you guys.
Now, as opposed to what I just typed up there, and I'm only half sorry for attacking you guys. I would like to say that I would like to get you to trust me. You guys say you do... But I see through that lie. You might trust me with the little shit, but in the big picture you hide what you really want to say or what your thinking. Its not fair. I tell you guys my thoughts and feelings, tell me. Please. For security.
I know your reading this and thinking I'm an insecure little emo guy, but truth be told. I am emo. No I do not cut myself. My only self harm is my disbelief in what I can become and what I want to become. My love is a double edged sword. It makes me the happiest man and the most jealous of men. My life is a volcano bursting with fury and creation. But in the wake, it is also destructive.
I'm like a pitbull trained to protect what I love. I'll fight until the threat is gone or until I'm dead. I run my friends and "brothers" like a mafia. You fuck with their business, you fuck with mine. That being said, anybody from the past, the present, or the future that want to interfere with my life will get seriously hurt and could possibly lose their life. NO JOKE. I've got friends, crazy friends, friends who have killed and don't mind killing. I've killed and if it came down to it I would do it again. But I'm also a light hearted guy with a love for humanity... So its one shot or your out.
I'm in love with the most beautiful woman in the world. She's smart, sexy, and alot of fun to hang out with. You could say I'm marrying my best friend. And I am. The one person, that I believe was behind me all the way. Even when we were just friends. And I hope she understands what I mean about the trust thing. She is my world. Now. And She is MY future. So back off Jack-offs, she is mine. I love her. End of story.
Forever yours,
The Son, The Brother, The Uncle, The Dad, The Fiance Steven (Formerly Y2Stevil)
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