(Cutting/Suicide/Dark Thoughts)
I'm not in a good place right now. I was contemplating cutting earlier today and then after I finally got my ass out of this apartment I went over to my sisters and cried my heart out to my mum. And then told my mum that I had given up. That I no longer wanted to live.
She fought back. Told me story after story and told me how we were all going to work it out. But I just can't think that far. Yes, I know that suicide is a pernament solution to a temporary problem but as of this moment..
I just can't care.
If I make it to Tuesday (on Monday I'm going to get yelled at by my manager for not only managing to lose the keys to shutting up the shop but missing his call when he tried to find out from me where else I might have put them and I, of course, in my stupidity didn't realise that this wasn't the earlier call from the girl who was closing had called me originally. And as no one else had keys, the Manager had to travel all the way back to work in order to do so and I didn't realise all of this until I checked a voice mail someone else had left me earlier the next day and then heard him leaving me one as well. So I call him back and he tells me we are going to -talk- on Monday and already, my head is spinning and that's enough to send me off the edge at the moment and the future isn't looking any better), she's dragging me down to the doctor and putting me back on meds. She wants me back in therapy and taking meds all over again.
I don't know if I can handle it. If I'll be corporative because at I don't care. I just want to be let go because...I can't do the months of feeling down and never-ending blackness. Not again.
I'm writing this with tears in my eyes because...I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to tell myself that I will get over the -talk- from my Manager and that I won't just quit once it's over. And that I'll manage to keep myself together long enough to close up work and go home and start enjoying my holiday. It was supposed to start on Tuesday but the strikes in France mean that I've lost two days. I won't be working them. I refuse to bleeding working them.
I just need to somehow manage to survive until I go off to France to see my parents.
I don't know how I am going to do so.
I HATE THIS!
Kya |
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