...such complexities of the human's psyche would be understood and not so murky. But I do not, and so I look to the facade that is presented to me as the true persona of that Creature.
I was once told that it was up to each individual to place faith on the ones around them. That to be the one who loved and recieved love in return was the greatest gift a human could give another. The complexities of this, the hurt and pain that could follow was worth this little joy and yet I can not feel enough to allow myself such a light.
So if I were to walk up to someone, to open up my heart again and grant access to what truly exists behind the facade I present to everyone, I will only be rewarded. That is what is told to me each time I do allow someone in. The end result is only a possibility, and when it comes to that, I am consoled that maybe next time it will be different.
Yet is is not.
And I feel the hope slipping.
I can not convince myself that I wish to attempt it again. It is not due to the loss of love, of the crushing of my heart and mind when the blackness of the relationship descends on me. I wonder if I was meant to be with anyone, as there are too many signs that I should love. That I should find someone, have children with and grow old together.
But I am too headstrong. Am too independent. It is a vice that is listed and one that not only I can not change, but won't. I would love to have children, but if it is not in the cards then I will continue on my life as best I can. I can do everything without someone by my side, and I feel that this is how my life will be. |
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