[thoughts] the old me.

ya know when you feel like you finally feel like Mr.Right is right in front of you and you let your guard down and what happens? you get hurt.

seriously, i've been through enough relationships. it would've been a lot more but, i used to think "hmm.. what would be the reason that we would break up? what would go wrong?" then needless to say i would just drop whatever guy it was. just because i was scared of getting hurt. terrified really.

now that i look back; i realize that with certain guys, they didn't hurt me. i did it to myself. i was so paranoid that i wouldn't get close to getting into the relationship but, i still got hurt because i would be so emotionally attached and since i wouldn't be with him he'd move on to another chic.

so basically;; i was screwing myself.

i used to get my hopes up so high but if no one else knocked them into the ground. i would. i had been in a verbally abusive relationship for a really long time. i loved this asshole so much. but if he really loved me, would he have made me cry just because he was angry? he was verbally abused growing up and that's why he did it. plus, he saw his jackass father do it to his mom. he had a lot of anger for his mom but, i think it was because he idolized his dad as a kid, even his faults. since his mother was there he was mad at her for leaving because she wouldn't take the mental/physical abuse. BUT he still had no right to do it to me.

yes, i most definately should've left when that started. but, we always think it's gonna go away or "oh he's just angry right now, he'll calm down." as ashamed as i am to say this but.. i wasn't the one that ended the relationship. he did. he found a chic who he could see everyday and didn't have to put up with her family's drama like he would mine. it may have hurt terribly but, it was a lesson i had to learn.

we talk now casually; it's nice to talk to him because i feel good that i'm not "under his control" anymore and he's really a good guy to talk to (when he's not angry). he's still with the same girl and she gave him something that i never could/would. they have a little one on the way. i'm actually happy for them. and i can't lie. it helps that i've got a picture of me and my boyfriend on myyearbook (where we talk).. and i look good in it hey, we've all got a little edge to us.




this entry is for me to just vent it all out and hopefully help someone who is in that position.






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