I'm a doormat. A flake. A push over. The person you go to ask for money, because I have no spine to tell you no.
In my mind I'm a cut throat bitch. I have the worst and most sadistic and cynical thoughts ever. Somehow... that doesn't help. It never will. Mentally I'm alive, and I stand up for myself. No one walks on me, no one expects me to just cave... I really am my own person.
In reality, I'm easily manipulated. My best friend doesn't value a word I say. She second guesses me all the time. Even my opinions or even FACTS I state are not valued.
My other friends are better, they will still trick me into doing things I don't want to... because they know I can't say no. I usually lie, or fake my way out of these situations... but it doesn't always work.
I don't know how to build up my own back bone. I'll always just be the ugly girl who can't tell anyone to stop it. I don't even give people enough reason to value what I say. I'm really just a shell of a person.
I hate who I am. I hate people like me. I hate seeing people taken advantage of. I hate knowing I don't have the backbone to change anything that I hate because I'm such a doormat.
That's why the world won't ever change. Social status will always burn, and people will always take advantage of the weak who are to their wiser in many ways. If the weak doormats of the world were given a chance to rule... it might involve a drastic change. It's always the top dog who wins. It always will be. No one roots for the under dog.
I'll never love who I am until I change who I am.
I guess Michael Jackson said it best in man in the mirror. |
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