Another night is going by without the least thing between here and bed. I could go to sleep right now if I didn't feel so . . . hateful.
It was one of those times that I know oh so well. You're with a group of people who you loosely call your friends, and they mention some night out that they're planning to do. And for the mere awkwardness of you being there, they invite you along. I have played this game many times.
"Oh sophie would you like to come to Baa Bars . . ." she says in her nasal damn voice, "me and the girls are all going"
*pause to swing handbag and adjust fashion scarf*
Normally I refuse, make up some on-the-spot THING that I just have to get done, then everybody is better off. They dont have to come through with their fake little invite, and I dont have to face the reality.
But this time I thought fuck it lets call their bluff. So I waited, and I waited. And I spoke to them about outfits and times and how cool it was going to be and what we were going to have to drink. And then I gets home and BAM,
"Sorry I dont think we're like . . . going any more" she types on facebook
I ask why and she doesnt give a reason. I know the christ damn reason. Its me. It always will be.
Whats so BAD about me anyway?
I mean sure im not into their designer-approved, mass-produced clone-fashion, and i dont listen to whiny old r+b or the fucking foo fighters or whatever. And I dont get my rocks off by grinding on young men with cool hair that ill never meet again.
(sorry boys thats one thing you'll miss out on)
But im not a HORRIBLE person. I dont bitch at people, or steal their handbags or their looks. I havent got buck teeth and ginger hair, and I dont even dance embarassingly.
And yet here I sit, on the biggest clubbing evening in town without a soul to go out with because no one seems to like me.
Fuck it Ive TRIED. I joined all these societies, I make conversation with people in class, I text people and ask them if they want to go out. But I get nothing back. Nothing!
They make up excuses and pretend to be ill. I swear sometimes alice doesnt open her door and pretends to be out cos she knows its me knocking.
I only wanted to go out and dance. Its making me want to cry.
I feel so fucking alone. |
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