maybe if i bloop this will be ok?

01/01/2009

so im completley miserable tonight. It all started while i was watching scuzz this afternoon. there was the usual arrangement of amazingly dressed people, all fitting comfortably into their own wee little sub cultures. The punks looking like punks and the emos doing their emo whiney singing and goths moping about. And it made me sad because i dont really fit into anyones group and have no real idea of how to dress or what i think is cool. See I absolutely hate punk music, wtf is that all about? But i love the way they dress. And i like some emo music and i love their clothes too but im not skinny enough to fit into any of their trends. and goth music and clothes are just great but the wankers all think they're vampires or some shit. I think i just want to belong, some way some where and look basically cool. i mean i wouldnt mind fitting into the whole anime - japanese-jrock thing but i dont know shit about any of that. and everyone hates naruto which is the only anime i know anything about. and ur sposed to have watched like every anime ever created and read and own every mange before you're even remotely cool, and everyone knows only japanese chicks look good in all that tokyo fashion. Ive noticed recently that im feelin rly old. My bf pointed out that we basically dont do jack all these days. we havent been to a gig for aeons, i dont skate anymore my dress sense has dulled to the point i actually LIKE grey and i feel like a pensioner before my time. Hell i cant even seem to get drunk anymore, im terrified of drugs ffs, even tiny things like my heart speeding up put the fear into me. And to top it all yesterday a horror film actually made me feel phisically ill. That only happens to old people! I guess this was all brought into focus while i was looking for hairstyles and noticed that all the ones i liked were on these fashionable scene girls about half my age and weight, with a stunning fashion sense and enough confidence to knock most people flying. i used to be like that for fucks sake, and before that i used to be just like this. I hope its not going back to that. It wasnt fun. But going to uni feels like im throwing myself back into the snake pit. i admit im scared theres nothin anyone can do, this is a me thing. They can juist stand back and watch the fireworks as i try to figure myself out . . . again. i mean lets look at the facts im good at . . .gardening, drawing . . .erm . . (shite list too long for this site to handle) music? this really wont help techno dance metal post grunge country and western some rap and r+b (but only some!) dress sense I like neon things, i love bright things, immature clothes too and random stuff but then again i love dark gothic corsets with skulls and lace and all that and skinny jeans and id love to wear all those little neon tartan miniskirts u get from grindstore but they wont fit and id look like an idiot :( and i like dressing up as my blood elf but cosplay never was my thing. i just hate it for some reason. prolly cos im no good at it. but yeah i got 2 weeks to figure all this out, before im launched back into it again. and like i said, if i dont roll in there blaring confidence they are going to eat me alive.