this is why i was crying

10/30/2009

Ive been really miserable of late, and I found myself crying on quite a few occasions without knowing why. Its just like I feel really really sad and just want to curl up and hide.
Last night i felt awful. Everything seemed to crush me at once. I always feel crap about my body, but last night was somehow worse. Jimmy says he'd love me whatever i looked like, and mum reckons ive lost weight since ive been gone but i dont believe either of them. Besides I hate my body, how can i feel happy when i live inside something I dont like.
And then I was worrying about uni. I dont like it there, and its not doing me any good. I have 2 friends and every day I spend there I feel more alienated from my old life. Its costing me money to be there doing something I dont enjoy. Why spend money on something you dont like?
And then i thought about giving up and coming home, but everyones so happy I made it to uni. They ask after me and wish me luck and tell all their friends because they're so proud. But i secretly wish I could just get some old crappy job, have kids and live a life.
Which brings me onto the next point. Even if i carried on right to the end with uni (not looking likely) and i got out and had a job, we'd still be in the same boat as every other fucker in the world. Working for a pittance and slaving away to live in a tiny box, every penny we earn being used to keep ourselves alive. What the fuck kind of life is that?
Which made me wonder what is the point.
At the end of the day, what actually IS the point.
I used to tell myself the point of life was to have fun. But how can you have fun when you spend every hour of the day working, and every penny from the work on plain everyday living?

So today I tried to distract myself from it all by playing wow. The only game im good at. Turns out everyone thinks im a noob anyway. And I dont really know what to do, theres so much to do I dont know where to start. And it sucks that i thought I was fairly good at it and im REALLY NOT. so i feel incredibally shit about that.
I would have said Im fairly good at writing. But it doesnt take JK rowling to write a sex scene in a fanfiction. God.
And I feel tired again. Its only 12:05 and i got up at 8. I just want to curl up. Im good at sleeping. JImmy must think i sleep too much and im a dozy cow. I feel SO bad while he goes out and works and works and I . . sit on my arse at uni playing farmville and watching skins. I know men like to be the earners but i feel like a waste of space.
God id just like to come home, and get a job at mac donalds then I can work and work and work, and live in my mums house and save cash until we can get our own place. Its not my original plan, but nothing seems to go the way i planned. Uni is horrible, i feel lonely and lost and out of my depth most days.
But who's going to take me on without a degree? especially as everyone's sending their kids to uni cos of there being no actual jobs in the credit crunch. So in a couple of years when they all pile out with their degrees and shit ill be at the bottom of the food chain.
I really want to be an air hostess.
I feel the tears coming back again.