I'm a liar....but the lie i'm telling also happens to be true.
And.. I'm not lying to you, i'm lying to me.
I know what you see....i know who i am, well i know who *you* think i am....
You think i'm funny
easy-going...confident...caring....generous....loving.....
you think i'm a 'good guy'
and it's entirely possible that i am....
i just have no fucking clue.
All the good you see...all the good that may in fact be, and probably *IS* there, no matter how hard i try i can barely see.
Sometimes....i can see a hint of it, out of the corner of my eye i can catch a trace, and then it's gone..it just blurs.
So, what do i do??....i wrap myself up in this 'invented personality' and try my damnedest to be 'it'....i guess i'm hoping i can "fake it,'till i make it"
but so far that hasn't happened.
And sometimes someone...(usually someone special) does something that cracks the wrapping and trappings i've put about myself, and i react in anger and rage..
How dare you make me see the hollowness inside? DAMNIT LOVE ME!
And then sanity returns....well usually...and if i'm lucky. If i'm very lucky the effort i've put into driving that person away has failed and they're still with me. And sometimes they're not
I lost someone very special that way....and I miss her *so* much but i'm grateful for the ones who are still here. (Note: lost to me, not lost as in dead)
I think i know why this is, why i am this me... but that doesn't matter.....what matters is what comes next.....as me again some other time why this is and i may tell you....why i am who i am...
but now, You see me, and the me you see is mayhaps overly-constructed but he's still a good me....I want to be him, i don't want to act like him...
i am funny---i don't have to act like it
I am easy-going...confident...caring....generous and loving
i don't have to act like it
i am many good things and i don't have to act like it because it's me.....
i need the me you see, to be the me i see,
i don't want to be a blur anymore.....
i want to be.....me.
and, i know where to start.......i don't know much, but i know this:
I. Am. Fearless. |
Loading...
