.o24. Starting over. | 04/14/2010 |
 a lot has gone down. normal. bold. underline. italics. strike-through.
I have spent so much time being careful with what I say that I seem to have lost who I am.
I have wasted so much energy caring about what people think & wondering if I'm keeping everyone happy that I am fully & completely exhausted. I just don't care anymore.
I don't get it. I don't alienate people, I'm nice, I'm considerate, & everyone is deserting me. Why? Because THEY can't take responsibility for themselves. For their mistakes, for their bad decisions, for everything. So what happens when people I'm close to make bad decisions? They blame me, alienate me, ignore me.
. . . .
Dear _ _ _ _ _,
I don't get you.
I know what you're mad about. Not that you've given me any clues, because you post vague status messages on facebook, and ignore me. But, I know.
But did you know that I'm not the one who told him? I didn't send e-mails, I didn't have chats about the "mistake" they all think you're making, I didn't do anything.
Did you know I defended you? When he asked me what I thought, & the course of action I thought he should take. I said "None. She's happy, he's wonderful, & she has grown so much." But I know why you think it's me. Because I warned you, because we're best friends, the ramifications of that decision. That what you're doing pretty much breaks the rules. & you know it.
So what I am doing is wiping my hands of you. If you want to continue this friendship, I need you to be more mature. If you're upset with me, tell me. Because honestly, all our fights come from you misunderstanding something.
A friendship is supposed to be more simple than this.
Friends forgive each other & move on.
What you're doing is torturing me. You're running away. You're avoiding. & you're ignoring.
Which is what everyone seems to be doing in my life now-a-days, so then again, how am I even surprised?
. . . .
Dear _ _ _ _ _ & _ _ _,
These will be the last thoughts I ever sacrifice for you both.
Everyone else tells me that this shouldn't be it, that eventually we'll all be fine again, but the truth is, it won't. I'm letting you go now.
I have had enough of wondering when you were gonna call, care, & show up. I'm not waiting on you anymore.
When I look back, I'm not ashamed at the things I've said to you, I'm ashamed at how much time I've wasted worrying about this situation.
You feel guilty for what you did, & you're projecting it on me.
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Miss ya!
ah.. aren't letters like this sometimes so vindicating. : )