.o25. Not very pleasant.

04/27/2010

You've been warned.normal. bold. underline. italics. strike-through.

I don't even really care if anybody reads this, because honestly, this is just getting my feelings out there.




I have reached my breaking point.


I literally cannot take it anymore.


I am EXHAUSTED & I cannot pursue this any longer.


Sometimes, people will believe what they want to believe and no matter how much you scream, cry, beg & fight, what you say will NOT matter to them.




I was going to tell my brothers what was going on, give them the truth. Because I know that I have faults in this situation with my dad.

My fault came from a comment about how I thought my dad was a deadbeat. It was rude, hurtful, and unnecessary. I said it, apologized & apologized, sought forgiveness from the people I wronged, & it was not given to me.


Understandable. I hurt someone.




But from my comment, stemmed intense emotions from my dad. Emotions that caused him to imply that:

I am a mistake, that I am a bill that he's had to pay monthly, that what I've gone through is "nothing" compared to what he's been through, that I just need to accept the way he treats me & talks to me because he's "old & never going to change." Then I made the very fatal mistake of trying to get my dad to understand that what I'm dealing with is on a much larger scale then what they're thinking, by telling him about my rape. Obviously, that's something very dark, and very painful. & what did he do with it? Used it against me as a means to HURT my mother. Used it as leverage for their argument to try to make me look bad. Used it as a "you don't know your kid as well as you think you do" argument.




What happens when you go through something difficult? You talk to close friends and family to help you through it. You look for affirmation, encouragement, support.




But if my brothers knew the things you said Dad, and the way you're "getting back" at me, would they really be all that supportive? NO.




The answer is NO. They wouldn't.




But have I ever stood up for myself and tried to tell them the truth of what's going on? NO.




Because I know that those boys are being treated well.




& no matter how much you talk down to me, how much you treat me like a second class citizen, how much you treat me like your "monthly bill." THEY are your first class citizens, and whether or not THEY believe it, I would DIE for THEM. I love THEM more than my own life. & I would never, ever, EVER wish the kind of pain and anguish I am experiencing on THEM.




If you're good to them, I don't want to ruin that. I want them to experience every single joy that they are supposed to have in the father-child kind of relationship.




"We don't have the same dad, Lexie. You and I, we do not have the same dad. My dad disappeared when I was five years old and I never saw him again. Does that sound like the dad you grew up with? ... Because our dad chose you. So I'm sure you are a very nice girl, Lexie. But I hope you can understand, you're not a girl I ever wanted to have to know." - Meredith Grey



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