I was half-way through some bullshit on here. All semi-creative and 100% bitch-like. So allow me to cut to the chase. I'm fairly deeply depressed. There are many reasons for this. I'm basically broke, living paycheck to paycheck and sometimes just barely making it thanks to hour cuts. My only vehicle broke down and would cost as much to fix as to get a new one. Unfortunately, I can't really afford another car right now, so my parents have once again bent over backwards and lent me their vehicle. For what must be the third car in a row. That alone would be enough to make me miserable, but things at work take a turn for the worse little by little each day. Lately I'm getting bitched out for things I didn't even know were happening, let alone being done wrong. Hours are being cut, and everything about the job gets less and less pleasant with each passing day. On top of this I have to seriously think about making a rather large move. As you may or may not know, I cope poorly with change, so this isn't really helping matters. I feel like I haven't really gotten anywhere with my life. Still working the same shit, dead-end job for years on end will do that to you though. Especially a job like mine where no matter how much work you do, day to day you do exactly the same thing without ever being able to point to anything at the end of the day or week and say "look, I accomplished that this day/week." Another cause for it is that no matter how much I may have joked about it in the past, I truly believe I need anger management or therapy or something. It's not anything to do with how I interact with people, or anything. In fact, just having literally anyone else near me is a guarantee that i'm fine. But when I'm alone and there's nothing to temper my...uh, temper i guess, i kind of lose it for very little reason. I suppose it's some sort of mental/emotional backlash against being depressed and feeling hopeless. Like being angry about something will somehow give me a measure of control over what I feel is a faltering grip on my life. Which is utter non-sense. And this final part is something else that sort of worries me. And logically I know it shouldn't. But it bothers me that no matter how depressed or angry I am, I can sit back and clinically look at how things affect me and the causes and results and it feels like i'm sitting on my own lounging couch while i sit in a chair next to that ouch taking notes and asking myself how i feel. It worries me because I feel like that's how one might develop a split personality. Then again, I'm relatively sure it's nothing at the same time. I'm nothing if not paranoid, self-loathing and hyper critical of everything I do. Which is a fantastic cocktail to brew yourself up some depression. I also don't get enough sleep. But I have today off, so maybe I can finally do something about that. Here's hoping I feel fine once I wake up. |
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