It's funny how in love you can be with someone at one moment, then another moment, it's hard to remember what that love felt like. I was in a military relationship with a guy who was in the air force for a year. Right when we started dating, he had told me he had joined. I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. It didn't matter to me at the time though. I had fallen for this guy so hard and so fast, it's unbelievable. He told me he loved me not even a week into our relationship, and although it seems fast, it felt right. I did love him. We spent every day we possibly could together because we knew our time was limited, and that it was. The days weren't long enough for us. Three months into our relationship, he had left for bootcamp. I was a wreck, a mess, there was nothing anyone could say that would make me okay. The first couple days were spent in my room waiting for a phone call from him, just to hear him say he loved me. After the first phone call, everything was easier. We wrote each other constantly. I was his guardian angel that got him through those tough two months. All the pain and tears were worth it that weekend i got to watch him graduate from air force bootcamp. Probably one of the best weekends of my life. We were so happy and in love. He had asked me to marry him when the time was right. Oh how i knew i was going to marry him.
I remember the moment i had to leave, it was like him leaving all over again. But i reassured myself that everything from this moment on was going to get easier. He was going to be able to call me and talk to me everyday. And it was that way. I was able to talk to the love of my life and i forgot how amazing it was to have that. I made sure from that moment on to never take anything for granted. We counted down the days until we were able to see each other again. Everyday was one day closer. That's all i could talk about for weeks! Instead of waiting two months time time, i had to wait three. Even though we were able to talk, it was still hard. There was times where i felt like i needed him by my side. I cried with him on the phone along with skype, but it just didn't do any justice. I wanted his touch, his smell, his kiss. I just wanted HIM! finally we were reunited again.
We had an amazing weekend together, and this time, i was able to take him home with me. He was going to be with me for almost a month! I was so excited, it was like a normal relationship. We were able to hang out with our friends and spend so much time together, and he had even given me a promise ring, promising me that one he was going to marry me. If we had our way, we would have gotten married that weekend, but my parents wanted me to finish college first, which was years away. I would cry and cry. All i wanted was to be with him. And then that time came again, on our 9 month anniversary, he left. This time was just as hard as the first. I had no idea when i was going to see him again. He called me not ten mins after he left. All i could hear were gasps of breath and could hear his cries. All we wanted was to be together. I felt so lucky to have someone that loved me so much. I was never going to feel this way again.
His father ended up having to get open heart surgery in october, and he was able to come home for this. He was permitted a ten day leave with us. reunited and happy again  but little did i know, this weekend would be what made us come crashing down. He had found out about my eating disorder. He never said anything about it while he was home, in fact he didn't say anything about it until later because we just enjoyed our time together. It was halloween time, so we went to some parties together, shared laughs with friends, and so many other things that couples do. We were happy in this moment. His father ended up being okay. Everyone was happy, and him leaving this time, wasn't as hard. I'm not sure if it as getting easier or if it was because i knew he would be back with me in six short weeks.
This is when Andrew started going out alot with his friends. I was fine with it, I was never the type of girlfriend that told my boyfriend he wasn't allowed to go out with friends. I trusted him, he was so in love with me, i knew he wouldn't do anything like that to hurt me. But he would go hours without texting me and started to forget to call me when he got home. I didn't think too much of it, but I started to get a little worried.
Our one year anniversary came on December 9, 2011. We both cried because we were not able to spend it together. But he had sent me a HUGE, BEAUTIFUL bouqet of flowers. They were gorgeous!
He had promised me that we would skype all night long because we couldn't be together. That's all i wanted, was to spend time with him, even if it was just through a computer screen. I loved him so much. Whatever i could do, i was going to make it work. But then he had told me he wanted to go out with his friends instead. I was confused, I didn't want him too. This was the first time I had gotten upset with him wanting to go out with his friends, mainly because i wanted him to spend his time with me on this important day for me. It was important because i never had a relationship that had lasted this long and I had felt like i had found someone that actually wanted to be with me and felt the same way i did. But then he said "babe, if i stay here, I'm going to be depressed thinking about you, and i don't want to cry tonight. I love you." For some reason that had made me feel bad for him and said fine, we'll reschedule. He started off texting me all night. But then he slowly stopped. He didn't call me when he got home. He was ignoring my phone calls. I finally got a hold of him at five in the morning. He was "tired" and "wanted to sleep". I asked him if he still loved me. There was a long pause before yes. I cried the rest of the night.
The whole next day he didn't text me and the one time he did he said "i need to talk to you". he then told me that he wanted a break. How could you want a break the day after you send me a huge bouqet of flowers, telling me you love me, and wanting to marry me?!!!! it made no sense whatsoever. I cried and cried and cried. Not only did i have to go through this, he was ignoring all my texts and all my phone calls. He only texted me when he wanted to. That was Andrew though, he only did what he wanted when he wanted. It wasn't until this that i realized how selfish he was. He had hurt me and didn't even know it.
Christmas time was coming around and still no sign of him telling me where we stand. Were we still together? Did he want to leave me for good? That's all i wanted to know. If he was going to leave, I just wanted to know so i could move on and eventually be okay. This not knowing what was going on ruined me. I couldn't sleep at night, I couldn't focus during the day. I couldn't eat. I had lost so much weight during those two weeks of not knowing. How could the person that "loved me so much" do this to me? I was dying inside. All i wanted was an answer, better yet, all i wanted was him.
One day his brother called me and i decided to take him christmas shopping, to pick of what he wanted. And it was then that i was informed. "You know Andrew is coming home today, right?". I had no idea. I was shocked. He didn't even tell me he was home! So when we were done shopping I decided to wait for him to get home. I know it looked psycho, but all i wanted to know was where we stood. I waited inside on the couch so patiently, but my heart was racing, i wanted to cry. I didn't know what to do, think, feel. I just knew I was going to get an answer....and that's when the door opened. I had pictured him running to my arms, saying he missed me. But that's not what i got, what i had got was a stare and he looked at his brother with a "what the fuck" look on his face. I wanted to talk right then and there and i told him. He said he didn't want to right now and i said "No, we're talking, you made me wait long enough, we're talking".
So went in the bedroom and we both sat on the bed quietly. No one was saying a word, so i finally asked, "Alright, what's going on?" He just shook his head and said "I don't know."
And that's when i blew up.
"Alright, if you don't know, then it's over. You shouldn't have to think about if you want to be with me or not. If you wanted to be, then you would know. I get it Andrew, a relationship and air force isn't something you can handle, at least tell me you don't want to be with me anymore instead of having me guess".
And that's when he begged for more time to think. I said no, it's done. and he cried, all he wanted was time. And there was a part of me that thought maybe, he was going to come to his senses and want to be with him, so i let him think. I got into the car and as i got in he said "No matter what happens, I love you". This boy was confusing me.
The next day he texted saying he wanted me to come to his mom's on Christmas, so i did.
Christmas day came and i was sitting on this bed again, the same way we were the week before. And after exchanging gifts, he hugged me. I looked at him and said "It's over isn't it?" He nodded and said that he just couldn't do it. He hugged and cried and he still told me he loved me and he cared about me and wanted to continue to keep in touch. I had agreed. Although it was hard, I agreed. I just wanted him to be happy. I said goodbye to his family that day on December 25, 2011. Not knowing if i would ever see them again. He gave me a kiss and i went home a single girl that night of Christmas. Although i was devastated, I was also relieved. I knew what was going on and I knew he would be happier and so would i. But i am not the type of person to keep in touch with ex's, once it's done for me, it's done. But we continued to talk for about a week but then i stopped responding. I couldn't do it anymore. It was done and over and I knew i was going to be okay.
I do not regret anything about this love. What we had was special. We had something that can't be found in alot of couples and i believe that if he had found our love at the right time, it would have lasted. We did love each other, but it just wasn't the right time. Things happen for a reason. We go on with life not knowing what today will bring, but no matter what it does, all moments, are moments that will forever be a memory
<3alwayssmile.
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