I know it's been a while since I've written. For that I applogize. So much has happened. I've been sick, Chris and his family has been sick...Jennifer and the baby has been sick along with everyone in that building. It's no wonder why when you manage to get better, you get sick again.
Let's see...Hacker and I got into it, several several times. He wants me back, he loves me, then he hates me. He can't make up his mind. When I told him that I was happy here, and that I loved Chris, he went ballistic on me. I mean, come on! He's the one who is engaged to a woman he can't stand, yet he got her pregnant, and wanted to name their child my daughter's name. He's just really gotten to me.
I thought about a passage of scripture. I Corithians 13...also known as the love chapter.
"Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
Always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails."
When I think about this, I think back on my marriage with Hacker. I think about how our relationship started, and how we grew as a couple. I don't believe that we truly loved each other. I believe we cared, but that we didn't even know what love is. We fought too much, were always at odds. There was abuse, and just...too much was wrong with us.
Then I look at my fiance, and I know what I feel is real. I know I love him, and he loves me. I know that we will make it, that we have found the love we were meant to have. Chris and I...we love each other so completely...so perfectly. Our love is pure and true. We may argue, but it never lasts. We don't hit each other, and even if he raises his voice to me, all it takes is me to remind him, and he stops. He's so good to me, and patient. He is forgiving and trusting of me. It is completely different.
So I sent Hacker a message, telling him my thoughts on where we went wrong. I told him we were never meant to be. I told him this, while completely at peace. I wished him the best in life, wishing him to find his perfect love.
Since then, I have been at peace. I know I'm on the right track. Things are tough financially right now. My glasses broke, and we had to buy new ones. That meant a new eye exam. $500.00 later...we learned that in the past 5 years, my eyes have improved. I can see so much better with my new glasses. They only had three oval metal frames in the whole place. Apparently, everyone is going towards Harry Potter type glasses. They were all plastic, or square, or plastic and square. Mostly square. I got lucky...one of the three fit me perfectly. We just wish I had insurance to cover the costs...then again, if I had of had insurance, we wouldn't have waited till they broke from cleaning them.
We kept working on moving. See, we are moving back in with his parents. We are renting the downstairs from them. His sister moved out, so we have the entire downstairs to ourselves. the family room was originally the master bedroom in the house, but his parents didn't like that it was downstairs. Well, we decided to take it for the bedroom, and turn his old room into a den for the computers, and a sitting area for me to read. Thing is...the new bedroom...is the size of our apartment. I'm so excited to have so much more space. I actually have my own linen closet downstairs, which is next to the bathroom. We have one shelf for towels and washcloths, one shelf for medicines, one shelf for bath stuff, one shelf for cleaning supplies, and one for blankets. It's nice. The bathroom is a full size bathroom. The laundry room and the pantry are downstairs too. We actually have closets too. We are going to put in a mini fridege downstairs so we don't always have to go upstairs for drinks or snacks too. That, and put in a cabinet in the pantry for us. Upstairs, is the living room and kitchen, which we share with his parents. We have cable and internet and everything we could want. We pay rent, and out cell bills. It's really nice to not be living in a hotel basically. That studio apartment was just too small for us.
Another good thing is, his parents are easier to work with since my glasses his us hard. I'm so relieved.
I'm still waiting on a court date for the divorce. It should be any time now. I can't wait. I'm planning on a spring wedding, right before he goes to basic. It can't be before that because my credit isn't the best, and the Air Force does a credit check on you. That's fine. I believe in long engagements anyway. When I get the divorce, I'll get my permit and go from there.
While I am nearly over being sick, and pushing myself to get this move done, something else happened. My tooth began to ache. We think it's absessed. It hurts so bad that I'm using Anbesol all the time, plus using warm salt water, and pain meds. If it'll work, I'm using it. I'm desperate. I was out today, and I got to hurting so bad the pain had me passing out, even through my tears...and when I got out the car, I nearly puked from the pain. It's bad, but I have no insurance.
That brings me to the final piece of news...my lady luck. I got a call this morning. My SSI has been approved. I went and applied for Medicaid. I'll have my own income again, and be able to take care of my health again. It is SUCH a relief. It couldn't have come at a better time. I'm so relieved, so thrilled. I'll pay my debts, get the stuff I need and have wanted, be able to help others, and buy for myself and others for once, be able to get my stuff sent up here...and be able to have my own separate income. I won't be held back anymore. I didn't even have to fight for it. So many said to me that you never get it the first time, and I refused to believe that. I knew I would qualify. About the time that I gave up hope for word, they approved me. The timing is perfect. We can get out of our financial bind, and I can get my tooth fixed. I cried, I was so happy for the news.
Well, this happy chicky is tired, and the pain meds are kicking my ass. It's off to bed with me. Good Night, Sweet Bloopers. |
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