A broken home

Okay, so this has been on my mind alot. My mother and I rarely see each other, and we've always had a rocky relationship. Mom and I got along so well and we were so close until I turned about 10 maybe younger. I wasn't a baby anymore so she totally abandoned me. My twin brothers became her favorite. It's not sibling rivalry or anything. I literally mean she pushed me to the side. We no longer talked unless we were yelling at each other. I became the babysitter, the house maid, the cook. Then Mom got on drugs. Things got even worse. From daylight to dark I was left with four little boys. I had to help my brothers get up, get ready for school, homework, do all the housework, cook them dinner, get everyone to bed. At the time my youngest brother was an infant so I was up and down all night with him everynight (his crib stayed in my room) When I was at school my Dad took care of Alex (the youngest bro). Neither Mom nor Dad wanted Alex because he wasn't a girl. So naturally, I took on all the motherly roles. Keep in mind I was only 10 at the time maybe 11 by this point. Somehow I managed to keep all A's and B's in school. One night I woke up to the sound of glass shattering. Instinct was to make sure Alex was still asleep and undisturbed by the noise. Afterwards, I snuck around the corner into the hallway and peered around the corner into the bathroom. My Mom was hitting my Dad, ramming his head through the bathroom glass mirror and through the wall. I watched my Mom in horror as if she were a monster. Then I watched as my Dad finally got Mom on the ground without hitting her. He put her arms around her back and had his knee on her back telling her he wouldn't let go until she calmed down. Mom and Dad were drunk having a party with family and friends. Apparently Mom misunderstood and thought Dad was cheating on her. (they were in a love triangle) How can you cheat if all 3 people are sleeping together? Anyways, I never wanted to know details so I try not to think about that. Back to that night...I ran back to my room grabbed Alex and cuddled him in my bed covering his ears. I still heard screaming and glass breaking (My Mom no doubt) Finally, my Mom came into my room and told me to get the kids up and help all of them gather clothes because we were leaving. We got into the car, and everything after that is kind of a blur to me. I remember Alex wasn't in carseat. He was in my lap with a belt around both of us. We got pulled over, and Mom said there was a domestic dispute, and that she was just trying to get us all out quickly. The cop let her go. After that I remember several days later maybe weeks, my Dad came to where we were staying. Mom was out partying, and I was with my Alex and my oldest but still younger brother, Jimmy. I don't remember where the twins were. I think they were with my aunt. So Dad tells us to get our stuff together because he was taking us back home. I remember an arguement between mom and dad about this, but I'm not sure when it took place. A couple weeks later they decided to try to make the marriage work again. It was a couple years later, and I seen Mom wanting out again. It was the night before Valentine's Day, and I remember setting down and making her promise she wasn't going to leave us again. She did, but the next day I came home from school to find her's and the twin's belongings all gone. Dad was crying (1st time I ever seen Dad cry). I began crying because I knew what happened. However, I didn't know she and the twins took off without telling anyone where they were going. Weeks maybe a month or two passed by before we found out they were in NC living with a guy that she left Dad for. I felt so betrayed and abandoned by Mom that I didn't want to talk to her very much. I felt like she was full of broken promises, and everything she would say would be a lie. Not long after this, I came home from school one day to find all of Alex's belongings gone. I went into hysterics. I asked Dad what happened, and he told me he gave him to my Grams. He said it as if Alex were a dog. I was so devestated. My world came crashing down. Alex and Jimmy were all I had. They were my reasons for not running away so many times. Especially Alex because I couldn't imagine leaving him alone. It was awhile later when my Dad started dating this teacher. She hated me. She told Dad all these lies about me. I got fed up, and called Dad from my aunt's one day to tell him I was going to live with Mom. He was angry and upset at the same time. He tried to stop me, but I went anyways. Jimmy came too, but I can't remember if it was before or after me. Anyways, Mom proved to me during the time that I lived with her that she really was full of broken promises. I once again became the house maid, the cook, and the whole neighborhood's free babysitter. Mom would let 10-15 kids come over to our 1 bedroom trailor, and then she would leave for hrs at a time. I was left with unruly kids. I started missing lots of school, and I didn't have friends. I was struggling to keep up. My report card came in, and I had all failing grades. Dad and his girlfriend were broke up by now so I went back to live with him. Not long after this Jimmy came too. Me and Jimmy were two peas in a pod. Wherever one of us was the other was right beside or behind. He was really all I had. Anyways, we moved to NJ with Dad to go live with my Uncle Nick and his two boys. This was the greatest time of my life. I turned 16 that summer. I made friends quickly, and I had all A's and B's in school (all advanced classes). I made this one friend. Her name was Laura. We became inseperable. We were always doing something. We still to this day remain great friends. Only thing bad I remember from living in NJ was Dad caught me kissing a guy on Halloween. He freaked out grabbed me by the arm, and pulled me from a group of friends. All the way inside he was yelling at me. So we come in and he pushes me to the ground, throws a phone card at me, and hands me the phone. He told me to call Mom and tell her I had to come back because he didn't want a slut for a daughter living with him. I started to call, and he smacks the phone out of my hand. He screams, "What? You want to go live with your Mom?" I was shaking and crying. I was so scared. I didn't know what to say other than, "I'm just doing what you told me to do." I don't remember what happened except that I didn't call Mom, and Dad was still very upset with me. A day or two later, he made me go on like a 7 mile walk with him to "talk". We talked about that night, boys, his worries, apologies on both sides, and so forth. After that we were fine. One night, Dad told me and Jimmy to pack up we were moving back to WV, and him and mom were getting back together. It was almost Christmas. I didn't want to go. I didn't even get to tell my friend, Laura, good-bye. I remember having the flu or strep throat can't remember which. I had just gotten a letter in the mail stating i missed more than 7 days of school so the school was taking my credits for the semester. I knew if I didn't want to fail that it meant I had to go home. Reluctantly, I gave in. I was trying to quit smoking, and I hadn't smoked in a week exactly. All the way home hrs in a car with two smokers, I caved. Haha it makes me mad and yet laugh at the same time when I think of that. We get back, and once again another broken promise. Mom decided she didn't want Dad back. I'm assuming it was a trick to get us to come back home, and Dad fell for it. Jimmy and I resented Mom for along time because of this. Through all of this, I guess in ways I make my Dad sound like he was so much better than my Mom, but he wasn't. I had to sit back and watch him beat Jimmy on several occassions. If I tried to step in to break it up he'd push me to the ground. I would scream for him to stop as I watched him throw jimmy into walls and on counters, and hitting. Oh it hurts so bad to remember the look on Jimmy's face. I wanted to help, but there was nothing I could do except afterwards sneak to Jimmy and try to comfort him. It got to the point that Dad would pick Jimmy up from school and not me so that I didn't see the beatings. I'd come home and Jimmy would be in his room and dad tried to forbid me from going in there. Ha soon as his back was turned I went to Jimmy. I had to deal with abuse as well, but I'd rather not talk about it. Anyways, basically what I'm saying is I come from a horribly broken home. Do all of these events contribute to my now chronic depression, anger, eating disorder, and anxiety disorder? I mean both parents really screwed with our heads. I was the oldest and understood everything. I feel like this, does in ways contribute to the problems I'm having now.