so... i have this thing that i do sometimes that really fucks with my head and my emotions. i cant control it.. ive been doing good lately.. real good. but.. its biting me in the ass and maybe hell i havent been as good as i think or something. i dont mean for this to happen or start but men.. haha.. men are a problem. a BIG problem. online. and i know its not real. its not life. its nothing. its talking to a computer. TO ME. i know alot of other people see it differently but to me, thats what it is. like a fucking machine.. that somehow has communication skills star wars style. so ive been moody as hell, pms'ing and having a hard, very difficult time as of late and me and my bro just got on speaking terms and shit TODAY right before i came home. before that there was nothing. and i hope that he texts me tomorrow. i hope so, so much. he said he would. and told me he loved me. so.. im happy now. anyway, depending on certain variables things change.. i dont know, i dont understand it myself.. its a.. i dont know. im fucked up. really bad. but im tired of certain things happening in my life and i want things to like level the fuck out before i flip my top and like either somebody or hurt myself. its usually hurt myself. im very self destructive. and honestly, for the most part.. i am a violent person yes BUT i dont like hurting people. i feel bad afterwards and i just.. want shit to be cool and laid back and fuckin that is NEVER the case it seems like. but i mean last time when the shit hit the fan... i remained perfectly calm and handled myself like a woman and fuckin did a good job, I THINK. even though, i gotta say, i wasnt about to fuck with this bitch unless i opened my pocket book and got a knife out first and i assumed since most of the people there was 17 18 years old that she more than likely was under age and i could NOT do that shit. no fucking way. i wasnt about to try to find out. so.. anyway.. i shouldnt have been there in the first place. i think there was a guy there my age [ish] but yeah. i should have amscrayed when i got there adn looked around. fuck. whats that law called? when your partying with a bunch of minors? jeez. im so stupid. but i dont think. i dont think. and my brain is shutting down on me and my klonipin is wiping my memory OUT. like really bad. my bf told me that its like really bad i cant remember shit anymore. so... i know its worse than even i know. not good. watch this shit not go through. im going to try to post this.. bloop hates me too though... here goes. |
Loading...