Just for today...

It will be a month tomorrow since the last time I wrote. With the holidays being here and working like a madman, I just haven't had the time.

It is becoming increasingly clear that I do not have just a small weight gain problem. As a few of you know who have been reading my pitiful little diary since the beginning will say that I've been trying (and failing) to lose weight for a while. While I used to think that this was all my fault and that I could fix it on my own, I'm beginning to think that this is a problem beyond my control now. I went onto the Over-eaters Anonymous website (oa.org) yesterday and answered the ten or so questions they had to tell if i had an eating addiction. The findings were... alarming to say the least. I answered yes to almost every single one of the questions. I never thought I would see myself here. Never. I always thought it was just a problem that I could fix on my own. Now I see that its deeper than that. I need help. I plan on going to a meeting tonight or this week, depending on when I get off work. Its just so utterly embarrassing. This must be what addicts feel like whenever they go for help. It just seems like theirs is more valid than mine for some reason, you know? Their addiction is illegal, while I can happily go to any grocery store and buy gobs of fatty and horrible food (which i rarely do when I go grocery shopping because I have this fear that people are looking at me and saying: "look at that fat chick buying all that crap. Like SHE needs it.") I know I need to start realizing that this is a real addiction, and I need to figure out how to subdue it in some way or find a way to fix it. I think that OA is a good place to start anyway. Maybe they will have the answer to how to control this disease. Maybe I can have more control over it now that I know what I'm dealing with. Maybe they can set me up with some free or discounted counseling, which I really do need, not just for the addiction, but for other things as well that I don't want to go into right now.

I gotta jet off to work.

_fin.